Olivia's New Curiosity

This year's anniversary felt so much different. Seeing an idea come to life was truly impactful. We, as a family, are always trying to make sure Matt's memory and legacy live on. And because of the #toastMattLarimore idea, we all felt like that happened. Over the course of the day, I received countless texts, videos, pictures, and messages from friends and family. Even people that Matt didn't know personally, participated. It was incredible. Each message brought a smile to my face. Every time I was able to see the impact that my sweet husband made, my heart was touched. It felt good to feel connected to everyone. It felt special to know that we aren't alone in our grief. October 15th is such a hard day. But this year it was different. There was a sense of connection because of everyone who took part in toasting Matt. Thank you.

I have been struggling with how I want to write my blog. I feel like this is such a cathartic way for me to process my grief. But I also wonder about the frequency of it. I am debating on writing monthly, every other month, every 6 months, or once a year. I feel like after 3 years I am still learning and evolving in my grief.

I have seen a shift in Olivia and until yesterday when I had therapy, I didn't realize what that shift was. I talked about how lately she is very jealous of Rylan. Anything he has, she wants. She doesn't like messes at the house and she is constantly arguing with Rylan. We talked about how these are signs of boredom in Olivia and how she is searching for new relationships of her own. I found this perspective to be incredibly helpful as I have been desperately trying to navigate motherhood and the challenges it brings. That is what I love about attending therapy. We cover everything from grief to parenting and beyond. Every time I leave, I realize I have learned something new.

Olivia has also shown new curiosity about Matt. Having just celebrated Halloween, she saw tombstones everywhere. She is a smart kid and made the connection with tombstones on TV and real tombstones that she sees at the cemetery. The tombstones on TV are often associated with zombies or mummies coming out of the ground. So when we would drive through the cemetery and she would ask me about them, I wasn't sure how to explain it to her. Olivia has also been very curious about what happened to Matt. Since his passing, I have never explained to her that "Daddy died." I have said things to her like..."He's in Heaven with Jesus." Even as a family, when we talk about Matt, we say he "passed away" or "we lost him." I have noticed lately that these explanations aren't sufficient anymore for Olivia. She wants to know specifics. She wants to know what happened to him.

Two nights ago Olivia experienced grief for the first time. She was upstairs playing and came downstairs and sat on the couch. As she sat there, I noticed she was sobbing. I calmed her down enough to ask her what happened. She finally explained to me that she was upstairs and was looking at all the pictures of Daddy (I have a large collage of pictures in my office-many which include Matt). She kept crying and telling me "I miss Daddy. When is he coming back? Can we visit him in Heaven?" She told me that "Jesus can bring him back" and then looked right at me and said, "what happened to Daddy?" I cried with her as I tried to explain that his heart got sick and stopped working. I waited for her to ask more questions but she never did. She just kept crying. Just kept missing him.

It was the first time I have seen her grieve in this way. I was thankful to have therapy the next day to try and navigate this new curiosity in her. I don't want to hide facts from her but I also don't want to give her too much information since she's not even 5 yet. I want her to get age-appropriate information. My therapist explained to me that although it will be painful, I need to start preparing Olivia with the tools and dialogue about what happened to her dad. She emphasized the importance of this since Olivia will be going to kindergarten in the fall. She said kids are going to (innocently) ask about her dad. If she doesn't have the tools, the story, the dialogue to explain confidently about Matt, it could hurt her more. We talked about how it feels like as an adult to be caught off guard. How we can feel anxious and out of control. And the same can happen to children.

Once again, I am amazed by grief. Prior to losing Matt, I didn't realize that grief is a lifelong jurney. I didn't know that there would always be new stuff to learn about how to deal with such a significant loss like losing my spouse. Even after 3 years, I am still presented with new challenges and obstacles. I am, once again, thankful for therapy. I am grateful that I have people in my life that I can openly communicate with in a transparent and healthy way. 

Three Years

Three years ago marks the worst day of my life. And I can say for certain that it wasn’t just one day that was terrible. It was days leading up to today. It is days that have followed. That’s the thing about loss. It’s not just one moment that sucks. It’s many. And now, more than ever, I see that. 

We recently took another devastating blow. Matt’s cousin, Joe, was recently killed in a motorcycle accident. He was 33. The same age as Matt when he passed. This family is facing another death at such an unexpected time. These people, the ones I love so much, are broken in a new way. But also in a way that’s so familiar.

Why Matt? Why Joe? Why October? Why 33? Why? Why? Why? We will never have these answers. We may never find peace. And right now, I’m not looking for any of that. Right now, I’m sitting in the pain. I, along with so many, are feeling the wounds ripped open. Wounds we thought we would only experience once. 

On Saturday we gathered to celebrate Joe’s life. I stood against a wall next to my parents much like I did when Matt’s service was over. Familiar faces hugged me and cried with me. Each person showing pain in their faces despite trying so hard to be strong. Broken again. 

Today my words escape me. Today the pain is familiar. Today the pain is new. Today, each time I look at the clock, I think back to exactly where I was 3 years ago. I can feel the ache, the emptiness, with the same intensity as I did three years ago. 

Terrible Twos & Facing October

Summer ended without warning. I woke up one day and it was gone. The stores are full of everything pumpkin and the leaves have started to change. I'm not ready. I am not ready to face fall.

In the past, the fall used to be my most favorite season. I loved that it meant slowing down a little, staying home more, and eating soup. I love soup. But obviously, now fall holds an entirely different perspective. Over the last (almost) three years, I have tried really hard to change my outlook on October. But despite my best efforts, I can't do it. I try so hard to be strong and cope and deal with the grief that runs throughout my life. It's frustrating to find myself feeling weak, crying almost daily, and reflecting on the worst season of my life. A season that has turned into three years of hardships and heartache.

This last week has been incredibly exhausting. I hate complaining about my kids. It's been 6 years since my first miscarriage. I remember it vividly. I remember the months and months leading up to finally getting pregnant. The struggles, the tears, the negative tests. And then it finally happened. And then we lost the baby. During that time, I told myself over and over to remember how badly I want to be a mom. I told myself that someday I would be a mom. I know there are many people who struggle with their own fight of getting pregnant or having a family. I know there are many people who have lost their own children. I know there are many people who would give anything to be expericing the "terrible twos." I am cautious to express how hard this has been but I also think it is vital because of the uniqueness that comes from my situation as a widow. A very young widow.

Rylan has been an absolute terror lately. He wakes up whining and doesn't stop until he's asleep. Everything I ask of him gets a "NO!" shouted back at me. Everything is an arugement. Everything requires my patience and guidance and discipline. Rylan naturally has a very grating cry. Even as a baby, the sound of his cry has worn on me. And lately, it is all I hear from him. It's exhausting.

I have faced a lot of really, really hard moments over the last 35 months. Watching Matt pass, picking out his casket, burying him, and giving birth to Rylan without Matt beside me come to mind as some of the hardest moments of my life. But single parenting, as a widow, is by far the hardest, constant, thing I have ever done.

I have always had really wonderful support from mine and Matt's parents. I have found it incredibly beneficial to attend therapy regularly. And I have friends who love me. I have a village. But despite the size and support of this village, I am still, ultimately, doing this alone. The parenting falls soley on me. I can't expect anyone but me, their mom, to raise them and discipline them. I can't expect anyone but me to make sure their behavior is in check. And of course they are well-behaved for everyone except me. That's how most kids are.

This last week I have literally felt trapped in my own home. Trapped with my kids and no escape. I think of when I was growing up and when my mom would reach her limit with us kids. She was able to leave. She was able to say to my dad that she needed to go on a drive or take a walk. She was able to hide upstairs in their bathroom with a glass of wine in the tub. And my dad would make sure we didn't bother her. My mom could decompress, refocus, and chill out.

I have had countless offers from friends and family saying they will watch my kids anytime I need them. They have told me they would be happy to take my kids off my hands so I can go to the store alone or get a massage. And beleive me, I appreciate the offers so much. The problem is scheduling. The problem is thinking ahead. It's the moments that I need a break the most, the situations I need someone the most, and I don't have him. I don't have Matt. I don't have him walking through the door in the evenings and knowing I can leave the house and just breathe.

This week has tested me. This week has worn me down.

We are just a month away from the 3 year anniversary of Matt's passing. I thought time passing would make things easier. But it doesn't. Time doesn't heal. Time changes. The heaviness in my chest is the same today as it's been over the last 35 months. I don't miss Matt any less. I don't think of him less often. I still wish every single day that my life was different.

I am constantly trying to find ways to honor and remember Matt. I have expressed the importance of this before. I especially want Olivia and Rylan to know and remember their dad. But I also believe that Matt is worth that. He's worth us crying, he's worth us mentioning his name, he's worth us raising a glass and toasting him. This year, I want to try and bring that to a bigger place. I want all of us, the people impacted by Matt's passing, to remember Matt. I want us to think of him on October 15th. I want us to raise a glass, alcoholic or not, and honor him. Matt's time of death was 5:50 AM on October 15, 2015. My idea is this: wherever you are, whatever you're doing, at 5:50 PM on October 15th, raise a glass to Matt. If you can, take a picture and send it to myself, my family, or Matt's family. We want to feel the love, the support, and know that we are together, we are connected, because of this incredible person.

"Grief is not an event. It is a permanent alteration."

Just when grief feels manageable, the rug is pulled from beneath my feet. It leaves me face down and startled that I'm back in a low. That's the thing about grief. It's unpredictable. Right when it starts to have a rhythm, suddenly it doesn't anymore. Suddenly I'm drowning, gasping for air. Wondering how I will ever surface again.

I've had a lot of lows lately. And this time, I find that I am internalizing them rather than reaching out to my family or friends. Until now...the 15th...when I force myself to sit, reflect, and write.

Back on the 25th, Rylan had surgery for urethral meatal stenosis. When I first spoke with his pediatrician about the situation, he was confident that Rylan would need surgery. Right away I had anxieties. Any surgery involving your children, big or small, is stressful. This was no exception. The day prior, I got a call from Mary Bridge with the check-in instructions, where to go, and day-of plan. I was told to check in at the main entrance of Tacoma General, the hospital where Matt passed away. I asked the woman on the phone if there was another entrance I could use or another way to check Rylan in for surgery. I briefly explained the situation but unfortunately, there was nothing she could recommend to make it any easier. I was forced to face the fear.

Prior to surgery. Such a good boy! 

Waking up afterwards. Sleepy and snuggly. 

Arrival wasn't as difficult as I expected. The triggers showed up later when Rylan was wheeled back to the operating room and the nurses told my mom and me where we could wait. We got off the elevator on the 6th floor and made our way to the surgery waiting room. I froze. My mind was racing. Is it the same waiting room? The same one we waited in for 14 hours while Matt had open heart surgery? The same phone that rang with updates from the operating room? The same waiting room that was full of family and friends for 4 days while we prayed, cried, supported, and hoped for Matt's life? The same waiting room? Was it? I couldn't figure it out. Surely it wouldn't be the same. We were at the children's hospital. I tried to articulate to my mom what I was questioning. Thankfully she already knew and guided me to a table to sit and wait. My legs trembled with anxiety, I cried, and I thought I was going to vomit. Once the fog settled a bit, I came to realize it was the same waiting room. The same, dreaded, horrible place. I tried not to look around. I tried to not remember. But it was impossible not to. Triggers. Intense and impossible to avoid.

Olivia and Rylan picked the colors of their balloons. 

The 29th we celebrated Matt's 36th birthday. The week leading up to his birthday I try really hard to focus on the beauty of Matt's life instead of the ache that comes with his passing. Most of the time, this approach is successful. I find joy in remembering the hilarious stories that come from knowing Matt. But it's also impossible to pretend that the grief isn't there. At 4.5, Olivia loves birthdays. All week we talked about Daddy's birthday, the dessert, the balloons, and the swimming. She was so excited when she woke up on his birthday. It pains me when she asks, "Is Daddy actually going to be there?" or "What about a present for Daddy?" She hasn't grasped yet what happened to Matt. She knows he's in Heaven. She knows he's with Jesus. But until she starts asking me for more, I keep her knowledge simple. She has the rest of her life to grieve. We celebrated with Matt at the cemetery. We wrote on balloons like we've done in the past and sent them to him. Prior to everyone getting to the cemetery, I sat with Matt and cried. I looked at the dates on his grave marker, as I have so many times, still in shock and disbelief. Following the cemetery, we spent the day at Matt's childhood home. We swam, we had a BBQ, and we gathered together as family. I know Matt celebrated most of his birthdays the same way. Swimming with his friends and family on the beautiful July day.

The next morning I was at the gym and the reality of Matt's birthday sunk in. It was during warmup that I started thinking about the day prior and what it was. I started thinking about how we had a good day. How we celebrated Matt, we sang to him, we toasted him. But then I found myself angry and sad. I hate that we have to celebrate Matt without him here. I hate the fact that we have to spend the morning at the cemetery or that we aren't creating new memories with him here. I fought back tears, ran to the bathroom a couple of times, and tried to escape the thoughts that were in my head.

Of course, it isn't just two days over the last month that has been making me feel low. Grief runs parallel with life. Forever it will be right beside me. Even during the times when life is flowing nicely, grief is still right there. My lows are from the reminders that are everywhere. The stores are already selling stuff for fall. A huge reminder that another anniversary is almost here. Fall means so much navigating and processing. The lows come from the trials and stress of parenting. It's the added weight of single parenting. It's the constant demand of being "on" at all times. It's the loneliness that sits on my chest every single evening. It's the pressure of feeling like I'm not doing enough. There are so many layers and elements to my feelings lately. Some I can't even process yet. 

I try and face the lows with how Matt would. I try and think about what our conversations would sound like. How would he encourage me? What would he tell me to take off my plate to make my life easier? I also think about what he would tell me now as he sees me navigate life without him. If he had a chance to talk to me now, what would he tell me? Would he say he's proud of how I make it through each day? Even the days that are really hard, would he think I've done a good job? 

"Grief is not an event. It is a permanent alteration." 

Facing The Hospital

This last month took me to a place that I wasn't expecting. I was faced with a situation that I wasn't prepared for. A tough situation that I had to navigate without preparation or processing.

The night of June 21st was a ladies night that has been in the works for quite some time. The kids, my mom, myself, and Matt's mom headed to a friend's house for dinner and a 4th of July craft. After being there for a while, I noticed my mom talking on her phone. She was shaking, panicked, asking the person on the other end, "where are they taking him?" I didn't know what was going on but I knew we had to leave. I started grabbing the kids, as many of our belongings, and told Val we needed to go. When my mom got off the phone, she filled us in that my dad had gone to get Pho for dinner and "passed out." He was being taken to the ER by ambulance.

The short drive to the hospital is a blur. I tried talking myself through what I was about to experience. I wanted to be there with my mom, for my mom. But I haven't been in this sort of situation since Matt was there. Since losing him, I have only gone to the hospital to give birth to Rylan. And preparing for his birth took hours and hours of therapy to work through the stress and anxiety of being in a hospital. As I drove, I kept telling myself that this wasn't about me. This wasn't Matt again. This was about supporting my parents. Val and my mom both kept telling me I didn't have to go. I worked out the logistics of the kids with Val as we drove. She dropped my mom and me off in front of the ER...just as my mom had done when I got the call about Matt.

I walked into the emergency room on trembling legs with a nauseous stomach. My mom held onto me, both of us frightened. It was too much the same. My mom went to the desk and said we were there for my dad. They told us he hadn't arrived yet but they would let us know when he was there and in a room. At that moment, my body felt completely uncontrollable. I was sobbing, shaking, and having flashbacks of that horrible day with Matt. My mom told me to go outside until my dad got there. I paced the front sidewalk countless times. I called Alyssa, Matt's cousin, and told her over and over, "I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can be here."

The moment finally came for us to go see my dad. We walked through the double doors and my mom was walking beside me, holding me. I can't remember what she was saying but I kept telling her, "it's ok...his room was to the right. It was room 9. We aren't going that way." All of a sudden, we ended up walking right past Matt's room. My mom had to push me along as I was unable to control my thoughts or feelings while I relived some of the worst moments of my life. We got to my dad's room, the paramedics, doctors, nurses all surrounding him. It was like seeing Matt there all over again. I retraced my steps, my movements, without even trying. Everything was the same. From how and where I put my purse down. To the paramedics talking closely and quietly to us.

I called my brother and sister and filled them in on what we knew. It wasn't much but I knew what I was seeing wasn't normal. My dad wasn't right. Dazed, confused, lethargic, and no short-term memory. When he was asked what month it was, after much thought and deliberation, he said guess December. We speculated a stroke. We were fearful of long-term damage. Before long, my entire family was together. We talked with the doctors about any changes in the last few days that could have led us to this point with my dad.

If you don't know this about my dad, he lives with chronic back pain. Because of this, he has a spinal stimulator and an intrathecal pump. After much thinking and discussing, we discovered that the new amount of medication in my dad's pump was actually too much leading to symptoms of overdose. He stayed overnight and was discharged the next afternoon. We took him to see his pain management doctor to have his medication adjusted.

Thankfully my dad is alright. Thankfully the overdose was a simple fix. Thankfully I live close to Matt's parents so they could step in and help with Olivia and Rylan. So much to be thankful for. I am able to look back at that experience with gratitude. I knew at some point I would end up in the emergency room for one reason or another. I knew at some point I would have to relive my experience with Matt. I knew this would test me and push me and break me. Not just me, but my entire family. We all felt the memories and trauma of our own experiences from losing Matt. I am proud of myself for facing such a hard situation. I could have chosen to go home and wait for updates from my mom. But I knew, deep down, I could handle it. Therapy has shaped me and strengthened me. I have talked about my fears related to the hospital so many times. I used the tools taught to me in therapy to help me. I did it. We did it.

I am beyond proud of how we all came together to love and support each other. We, as a family, have grown closer and stronger because of Matt. We have become closer to Matt's parents because of his passing. We have come closer to our village of friends who step in to check on us and help with anything we might need. Thankful, proud, grateful. Relieved.

(Thank you, Laura, for your help with Winnie!)

The Heaviness of Father's Day

Last month was Mother’s Day and the excitement of going to Ellen. This month it’s the anticipation and dread of Father’s Day. 

Ellen was amazing. The trip to California filled my heart and checked items off my bucket list. I can’t remember the last time I felt excitement like I did when I SAT IN ELLEN’S CHAIR! I kept joking all day that seeing a taping of an Ellen show was better than the birth of my children. It was such a truly, wonderful day. 

This week has been brutal. So many tears. I am fatigued with grief. I feel broken more intensely than I have in the weeks prior. What I have learned through two and a half years of therapy is that I have to be intentional with my thoughts. I have to think about why I feel. What are the underlying issues of my sadness? It is easy to become overwhelmed with all the reasons I am sad and broken. Sometimes that list is endless. But the tool of being intentional helps me narrow down the specifics for right now.

I have learned something new about my grief and how I feel about Matt’s passing. Every holiday is difficult. Some more so than others. There are a few during the year that I want to come and go as quickly as possible. The anniversary of Matt’s passing, our wedding anniversary, and, I have learned recently, that Father’s Day is at the top of that list. I grieve for my kids as well as myself. The added emotion I feel for them makes this weekend particularly difficult. 

I also ache for what Matt’s dad must be feeling this weekend. I cry whenever I think of what his pain must be. As the time moves forward, I find that I am more clearheaded. With the grief fog lifting a little, comes a clearer understanding of all the ways I am grieving. And this year, I not only feel for Matt’s dad, I feel for my children and myself in a new way. 

Monday, in particular, was a really awful day. I spent the entire day in tears. The stress of this coming weekend overwhelmed me. I was leaving swimming lessons with Olivia and saw my friend, Christie. She knew right when she saw me that something was on my mind. She asked what was going on and as I said “Father’s Day,” the tears started coming and didn’t stop until I went to bed that night. When we were getting in the car, Olivia asked me why I was crying. Through my sobs, I told her that I really missed her daddy. She then asked me, “Mom, is Daddy coming back?” I could barely contain myself as I tried to explain to her that he couldn’t. That he won’t be coming back.

Throughout this week I have thought so much about Father’s Day. How my kids have not yet started to process their grief or that their dad isn’t with us. My heart shatters knowing that they will someday feel pain because of this. I am angry that Olivia even has to ask if her daddy is coming back. I am angry that when she sees a cemetery, she asks if that’s where daddy is at. Four-year-olds shouldn’t know what a cemetery is. They shouldn’t relate their dad to any cemetery that they see throughout their car window. Father’s Day makes me really angry because of what it does, and doesn’t, signify for my children. Olivia only had 21 months with her dad. Rylan never even met him. 

The thing about Matt, the thing that makes me sad for him, is that he loved being a dad. His world came into focus when Olivia was born. He lit up because of the joy she brought his heart. Without a doubt, I know Rylan would have only added to that happiness. Rylan would have given Matt have more grey hair and (maybe) a few wrinkles. Olivia’s constant questions and singing would have made Matt crazy and impatient. But he would love sharing stories of her with whoever would listen. Matt should have been here last week seeing Olivia in her first dance recital. Beaming with pride. He should be a part of Rylan’s obsession with tractors and dirt. These precious children should have a dad instead of just a mom. A mom desperately trying to fill the void in their hearts that will never be full. 

I go into this weekend full of dread and desperate for Monday to be here. I want it to be over. I don't want to "celebrate" Father's Day at a cemetery with tears on my cheeks and an ache in my heart. I don't want my dad to carry the burden of seeing his daughter so broken. I don't want Larry to put on a smile and pretend he is alright. And I don't want my children to have to grieve their dad. 

Feeling blah...but going to ELLEN!

For the last few weeks I have found myself irritable. Impatient. Blah. I couldn't figure out what exactly it was stemming from. I am really mindful with my emotions and what is causing them. Especially when they are negative feelings. I went to therapy last week and started explaining this and my therapist pointed out a few reasons behind my mood.

The weather changing and bringing us closer to summer is such a good feeling. But I forgot how seasons changing leaves me feeling sad and grief-stricken. The change in weather, change in months, and holidays reminds me of time passing without Matt. It signifies more time that he is missing. More memories that he isn't part of.

Mother's Day is a hard. Much like all the other holidays. Matt made both myself and Val a mom. I love that we share this bond. I also know how very much I love my kids and I can only imagine what it must feel like for Val to celebrate Mother's Day. Full of joy for the years spent raising Matt and Justin. Pride for the men they have become. And equally heartbroken that one of her children isn't here to celebrate her.

I am especially thankful for Matt's cousin, Alyssa, this month. One of my dreams has been to attend a taping of the Ellen show. I love what Ellen is about. Despite what we believe, what negative stuff is going on in the world, or where we are from, there is always room for laughter, dancing, and kindness. I have recorded her show for years. In fact, watching her show was one of the therapies that got me through some of the darkest days after Matt passed. Unbeknownst to me, for roughly 6 months, Alyssa had been trying to get tickets to Ellen's show. And recently, she told me she got four! Tomorrow morning, Alyssa, her mom, Val, and myself are going to California for a girl's weekend. We attend the taping on Thursday and I am more than thrilled!

This trip is coming at such a perfect time. It has pushed myself and Val through Mother's Day and given us both something to look forward to. As much as I don't like being away from my kids, I always come home with more love and appreciation for them. Plus, my dream becoming a reality has me giddy with excitement!!