Today I feel slightly more at peace and slightly more hopeful...
Last Wednesday I went to see my doctor. My hormone levels weren't dropping fast enough so I was asked to go see him. I prepared myself for what I knew he would say...I would need another D&C and he would want me to see a sub-specialist. I had several questions for him: How could I have gotten pregnant in less than 7 weeks from my last miscarriage? Weren't the odds against me? Couldn't this just be a random thing and not happen again? Do I REALLY need to see someone else??
All answers lead to a specalist. Because of the fact that I have now had two miscarriages, regardless how close together they were, there is too much risk that it could happen again. My doctor has no answers as to WHY I have had two miscarriages and believes a specialist will be able to easily figure it out. I left my appointment feeling more hopeful. The specialist will work with Matt and me until I am 12 weeks pregnant and then I will go back to my regular OBGYN. I am was relieved to hear this because he and I have grown a strong bond together and I wanted him to deliver our baby. I feel by seeing a specialist we have only positives to look forward to. I feel like we won't be risking another miscarriage with his help. Our first appointment is on November 29th. I am actually looking forward to it! Never thought I would say that! The only part that is scary for me is the fact that "infertility specialists" aren't covered by insurance. So we are praying that the tests and the treatment are simple and not TOO expensive. We do know we can GET pregnant so that is in our favor.
I had my second D&C last Thursday. I thank each of you who was praying for me through it. I was worried about the emotions it would bring up. As the nurses put me on the surgical table I said "deja vu" to them. Most of them recognized me from being there only 8 weeks prior. I was surprised at how much stronger I was this time. I think a BIG reason it was emotionally easier was because I hadn't carried the baby for 10 weeks like I had the other one. I wasn't as attached to the fact that we were pregnant. Probably because I found out I was pregnant and began miscarrying all in the same day.
I got a call from my nurse yesterday with my hormone levels. They are currently at 380 which the nurse says is still "significantly high." They want to see the levels below 5. I repeat the blood work next Monday. If they haven't dropped, there is a chance I will have to repeat the D&C. My doctor said that in the 25 years he has been doing this, he has never had to repeat it. So, hopefully by next week my levels have dropped to where they should be. The nurse said the big concern would be if my levels began to rise again.
I am still full of sadness and heartache at the loss of our two babies. But today I definitely feel more hopeful for our future. A couple of weeks ago I wasn't able to say that. I believe the power of prayer has lifted my spirits and I can't begin to thank everyone who has been praying. There were times when it was hard to pray. Hard to believe that God was going to work this out for us. But today, I do believe He is working on it. And I do believe we will have babies in our future!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse...
The last several weeks have been extremely hard. I've been to the doctor countless times, put on medications, and emotionally on a roller coaster that I can't wait to get off.
The last round of medicine was supposed to get all my organs working in sync so that we could start trying for a baby again. Once I finished the medication, I was to wait for my period and then go see my doctor. Monday, I thought it had started. By Tuesday morning, it had stopped. I decided to take a pregnancy test because my doctor wanted me to always take one before starting ovulation medication. It came out positive. I thought it was impossible. I thought it was either a false positive, hormones still from my last miscarriage, or another miscarriage.
I went to the doctor yesterday morning for the next round of ovulation medication. I wasn't going to tell him about the positive pregnancy test but at the last minute I decided I should. The nurse left and went to do a test. I sat in the exam room and prayed for God to take control. I said over and over "I'm not worried..." Then my doctor came in with a big smile on his face pointing to a piece of paper that said "positive." I asked him how I could be pregnant if there was bleeding. He explained to me that most women have some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy and without cramping or heaving bleeding, there are more positives than negatives in our favor. He seemed optimistic and excited that this was going to work.
He sent me for blood work to check my hCG levels. I was told to go back within 48 hours to see where they are at. If they haven't doubled, there's chance of miscarriage. Except, I didn't even get to that point before miscarrying on my own. I will spare the details but, last night was one of the most traumatizing and heart breaking moments of my life. I never thought I'd have a miscarriage. And I never DREAMED I'd have two miscarriages in less than two months of each other.
I don't know where we go from here. I have a feeling my doctor will want me to see a specialist. I feel as though the odds were against this baby and me. I don't think my body had completely healed from the last miscarriage when I got pregnant. I don't think my body was strong enough yet to be pregnant. I believe I can get and STAY pregnant with the assistance of my doctor (and with a LOT of faith in God).
I still go tomorrow to see where my hCG levels are. The nurse said some women experience what I did last night and still have healthy pregnancies. But she said it isn't promising.
I'm full of sadness, anger, and fear. All feelings that I know are sinful because I'm not trusting God's plan. I don't know what I need from anyone except I do know I need prayers. Prayers of healing and prayers that lead us to answers.
The last round of medicine was supposed to get all my organs working in sync so that we could start trying for a baby again. Once I finished the medication, I was to wait for my period and then go see my doctor. Monday, I thought it had started. By Tuesday morning, it had stopped. I decided to take a pregnancy test because my doctor wanted me to always take one before starting ovulation medication. It came out positive. I thought it was impossible. I thought it was either a false positive, hormones still from my last miscarriage, or another miscarriage.
I went to the doctor yesterday morning for the next round of ovulation medication. I wasn't going to tell him about the positive pregnancy test but at the last minute I decided I should. The nurse left and went to do a test. I sat in the exam room and prayed for God to take control. I said over and over "I'm not worried..." Then my doctor came in with a big smile on his face pointing to a piece of paper that said "positive." I asked him how I could be pregnant if there was bleeding. He explained to me that most women have some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy and without cramping or heaving bleeding, there are more positives than negatives in our favor. He seemed optimistic and excited that this was going to work.
He sent me for blood work to check my hCG levels. I was told to go back within 48 hours to see where they are at. If they haven't doubled, there's chance of miscarriage. Except, I didn't even get to that point before miscarrying on my own. I will spare the details but, last night was one of the most traumatizing and heart breaking moments of my life. I never thought I'd have a miscarriage. And I never DREAMED I'd have two miscarriages in less than two months of each other.
I don't know where we go from here. I have a feeling my doctor will want me to see a specialist. I feel as though the odds were against this baby and me. I don't think my body had completely healed from the last miscarriage when I got pregnant. I don't think my body was strong enough yet to be pregnant. I believe I can get and STAY pregnant with the assistance of my doctor (and with a LOT of faith in God).
I still go tomorrow to see where my hCG levels are. The nurse said some women experience what I did last night and still have healthy pregnancies. But she said it isn't promising.
I'm full of sadness, anger, and fear. All feelings that I know are sinful because I'm not trusting God's plan. I don't know what I need from anyone except I do know I need prayers. Prayers of healing and prayers that lead us to answers.
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