As I have said before, I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved kids and I felt fairly confident that I would be pretty good at it. But I never knew how being a mom would make me feel complete. I also feel like motherly insticts play a big role. When I first thought about bringing Olivia home, I wondered how I would know what she needed but I am amazed that I just know. Of course there have been times when she is fussy and I can't get her to stop. But in general, it just takes me picking her up and holding her or filling her hungry tummy. It brings me so much happiness knowing that she relies on me and I CAN provide what she needs. (Matt too).
I am one of those women that LOVED being pregnant. I loved knowing life was growing inside me. I even loved giving birth. I have already told Matt that I can't wait to be pregnant again and that I would give birth everyday if I could (ok, maybe I'm just nuts-and no, we aren't having another anytime soon). I just feel like God created me to be a mom. I think that's why my two miscarriages were so tough. Looking back at the pain I felt from them, it makes more sense than it ever did. I knew I wanted this in my life but I didn't know how truly satisified I would feel until I met Olivia. And now, her little self holds an extra special place in my heart. When I am tired, not showered, and the house is a mess, I have been brought to tears looking at her. I cry because she is exactly what Matt and I fought so hard for. She is the reason we didn't give up on having a family.
Prior to having Olivia, I heard from many people that having a baby would change my world and that life would never be the same. And those people were right! However, it changed in good ways. I think when a lot of people say those things, they make it out to be bad or negative. Or maybe that's just my misunderstanding. Having a baby has brought more joy into my heart. Olivia has taught me so much in her short (almost) 6 weeks in my life. She has shown me how deep my love is. She has taught me that I don't need sleep like I thought I did and that sometimes waking up 7 times in the night is truly wonderful. She has made me slow down and let the house get messy. She's made me smile when she smiles and cry when she cries. She has also made my relationships with God, Matt, family, and friends stronger.
I try not to say "I can't wait for..." because I know someday I will miss this part. Instead, I try to say "I look forward to..." I look forward to Olivia sleeping through the night but I CAN wait for it to happen. I know time will move too quickly and I will miss the nighttime feedings between just her and me. And I will miss the times when all it takes to comfort her is the sound of my voice or the feeling of my skin.
Now it's time for me to go lay on the floor with her and see her smile as I tell her how much Matt and I love her.
