For the last few weeks I have found myself irritable. Impatient. Blah. I couldn't figure out what exactly it was stemming from. I am really mindful with my emotions and what is causing them. Especially when they are negative feelings. I went to therapy last week and started explaining this and my therapist pointed out a few reasons behind my mood.
The weather changing and bringing us closer to summer is such a good feeling. But I forgot how seasons changing leaves me feeling sad and grief-stricken. The change in weather, change in months, and holidays reminds me of time passing without Matt. It signifies more time that he is missing. More memories that he isn't part of.
Mother's Day is a hard. Much like all the other holidays. Matt made both myself and Val a mom. I love that we share this bond. I also know how very much I love my kids and I can only imagine what it must feel like for Val to celebrate Mother's Day. Full of joy for the years spent raising Matt and Justin. Pride for the men they have become. And equally heartbroken that one of her children isn't here to celebrate her.
I am especially thankful for Matt's cousin, Alyssa, this month. One of my dreams has been to attend a taping of the Ellen show. I love what Ellen is about. Despite what we believe, what negative stuff is going on in the world, or where we are from, there is always room for laughter, dancing, and kindness. I have recorded her show for years. In fact, watching her show was one of the therapies that got me through some of the darkest days after Matt passed. Unbeknownst to me, for roughly 6 months, Alyssa had been trying to get tickets to Ellen's show. And recently, she told me she got four! Tomorrow morning, Alyssa, her mom, Val, and myself are going to California for a girl's weekend. We attend the taping on Thursday and I am more than thrilled!
This trip is coming at such a perfect time. It has pushed myself and Val through Mother's Day and given us both something to look forward to. As much as I don't like being away from my kids, I always come home with more love and appreciation for them. Plus, my dream becoming a reality has me giddy with excitement!!
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