Sometimes You Just Need to Get Away

We recently we away to Arizona with family. How could this not recharge the heart??

I have come to understand that I will live with the grief of losing Matt for the remainder of my life. I know there will be times when I am coasting through life and managing the pain well. And then there will be times when my heart physically feels heavy. Despite knowing this, when the lows hit, I am caught off guard. Thrown down despite my best efforts to work through this tragedy.

I remember shortly after Matt passed and the inability to even get out of bed or off the couch. I remember how simply standing felt impossible. I am thankful that I was able to live with my mom and dad because I don't know how I would have been able to care for Olivia had it not been for us all being together. As time went on, I was able to work with my therapist on tools for digging out of this hole. I was able to see that even the littlest things are huge milestones when trudging through grief. I would applaud myself at the end of the day regardless of what I accomplished. Even if was just moving from bed to the couch, I still did something.

Throughout the course of the last three years, I can be proud of how I haven't let Matt's passing have control over my life. I have recognized the sadness when it's there and I have been joyous without feeling guilty.

But the thing about grief is that it's sneaky. Just when I feel like I know what to expect, something happens, or maybe nothing triggers it at all, and I am knocked backward. I am taken back to that place I was 3 years ago when I can't even imagine lifting my head off my pillow. A couple weeks ago I was in that place. I was in a place that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I woke up wondering how I was going to get through the day. The tears streamed down my face for days. I would look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. The dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping, the swollen eyelids from not being able to stop the tears, dirty hair, the same pajamas worn for days at a time. Grief isn't just an emotion. It can show itself physically as well.

I forced myself to go to the gym knowing the physical release was so beneficial for my mental health. I forced myself to take Olivia to swim lessons and took us to family gatherings. All the while, I felt overwhelmed with the grief that was building inside me. This time around, my grief was centered around being lonely. I have a tremendous support system. I have friends and family that I talk to daily. People in my life, that despite a shower and makeup, can see past it and truly recognize how I am breaking. The ones who know exactly what to say. The ones who know when words aren't enough. The ones who cry when I cry and hurt because I hurt. I am incredibly thankful for them. But even with this love and support around me, I long for the companionship I once had. I can do life alone. I can take care of my kids, my house, and my life without a person. The relationship shared with your significant other is unique and unlike any other relationship. The loneliness from not having that has consumed me and left me feeling overtaken with grief. It triggered my anger that Matt is gone. It triggered reliving those days in the hospital and memories of watching Matt die.

During this time, I had therapy-thank God for therapy! I don't know where I would be in life without it. I sat during my last session and sobbed. She listened intently, as she always does. Towards the end of my time with her, we started talking about vacationing with Matt's family. His aunt and uncle have a vacation home in Arizona and have invited us year after year to come to visit. I have wanted to go but just haven't been ready. During therapy, I was urged to book the trip with the Larimore's and go. Get away. Refocus. Have a distraction. With just 3 days before everyone was already planning on going, I decided to book us and join.

For most people, vacationing to a warm destination in December seems like a no-brainer. But for me, there are so many variables and reasons not to go. Ever since losing Matt, I have struggled with being around his family. It isn't at all because I don't want to. In fact, the opposite is true. I love being around his family (and friends) because I feel him with them. Having known them for 16+ years, they have become my family as well. But again, grief is complicated. Matt's family and friends bring me joy but also pain. I become more aware of his absence when we are all together. We create memories with each other but these memories will never include Matt. It doesn't matter what I am doing with them; watching a movie, attending a sporting event, or taking the kids to visit Santa. Whenever I am with them, I find myself looking around for Matt and realizing he will never be with us. His absence is strong and my heart is heavy.

Over the last three years, I have had to ease myself back into family functions that include Matt's family. It took me a long time to even go to Matt's childhood home after he passed because it was so painful to be there without him. Vacationing seemed like it would never happen. And yet just last week, going away seemed like the very thing I needed the most. I am so glad we went. So proud I took the step to try it. We had so much fun together. We played outside, did some fishing, went to the zoo, even participated in a boat parade! The kids were so well behaved and wonderful to be around. And I believe the entire family came home with a lighter heart because of our time together.

Coming back home and trying to get back in the swing of a routine is always rough. Any vacation that I've taken since Matt's passing leads to anxiety when I know I have to come home. I can feel the anxiety rising the closer I get to being back in my own space. This comes from knowing that my reality is still waiting for me when I get home. It comes from the loneliness waiting for me when I get home and don't have him here to talk to about the trip. It comes from knowing that eventually the distraction from the trip is going to fade and I will be back to where I was before I left.

Despite these feelings, I am really glad we went. I was indeed able to refocus and dig out of a really dark place that I was in prior to leaving. The heaviness is still weighing on me but the intensity is less. The depression, the grief, and the sadness are all still strong but I am able to navigate it better than I was prior to going to Arizona.

Night rides on Kevin & Jennie's boat

Boat rides and naps

Kevin & Jennie's community park held a Christmas event. They even brought snow! We got to visit Frosty, go on a train ride, and decorate Christmas cookies! 

Visiting the Phoenix Zoo

Out to dinner with the family.

We all wore ugly sweaters for the boat parade we were in. A highlight of the trip was throwing candy to the people on shore. So much laughter! 

Olivia loved fishing with Papa Larry. She always squirmed and squealed about holding the fish but eventually did it.