I don't know about anyone else, but it seems like there is always a letdown after the holidays. There's a tiring amount of effort that goes into making things just right. Add in being a single parent and the list is even longer. But then there's the complicated part of dealing with grief. I know the big holidays are the hardest. I know I have to mentally prepare for some really emotionally exhausting days. What I'm learning though, is the days leading up and the days following are the worst. Christmas came and it was fun. Olivia loved all there was to love. But gearing up for Christmas was painful. And the few days after were as well.
I've noticed that when big events are coming, I tend to busy myself with more than necessary tasks. This allows me to avoid the pain that comes from missing Matt. It also keeps me focused on the jobs in front of me instead of reaching out for my friends and family when I need them most.
Olivia turned 3 recently. Three. Her birthday is a difficult day without Matt. The days that are "just ours" leave me feeling lonely. The only reason Olivia is here is because of the love that Matt and I shared. I can hear Matt laughing with her. The older she gets and the more personality she develops, I can just imagine their relationship. He would find her hilarious and so entertaining.
This is something that's difficult to write about. I don't like how vulnerable it makes me feel to all those who read this. But, I believe in honesty and transparency. Which includes the ugly parts of grief. But if I'm honest, isn't it all pretty ugly? I try not to complain about being a single parent. I never want to be the type of mom who speaks negatively of her children. Olivia and Rylan are my everything. And after 9.5 months of infertility and two miscarriages, I realize how precious they are. I realize how miraculous they are. That they are here and healthy. But...parenting is so hard. Parenting alone is even harder. Olivia sleeps in my bed. It's a battle I'm choosing not to fight right now. I don't have the energy to force her to stay in her room. Part of me secretly loves it. I love hearing her say "Mom, I like you," as she drifts off to sleep. But her sleeping with me means I have no time alone. It means there's no staying up after the kids are in bed and catching up on The Bachelor, reading, or taking a bubble bath. And then there's the 1800 times a day where I hear "look mom!" or "Mom, I need something" (my LEAST favorite sentence in the toddler language). There's the constant battle of trying to get her to eat anything other than fish crackers and fruit snacks, always telling her to keep her feet off of Rylan, and the following behind her cleaning up toys. And that's just one kid! Rylan is busy. Always underfoot and pulling on my legs. He thinks he's always hungry which means I have to be prepared for feedings or have snacks at all times. He manages to get his hands in the dog water in record timing. And he ends up with dust bunnies in his mouth that show up from out of nowhere.
Parenting is tiring. It's all very normal. I know I'm not alone when I say I'm exhausted. I know so many other moms (and dads) can relate. But I also know if Matt were here, I'd get a break. At 6:00 every evening, he would walk through the door and I could turn my mom-radar down a notch. I could take my glass of wine and go take a shower in peace. We had a routine. Every Saturday Matt would sleep in and I'd get up with Olivia and every Sunday it was my turn to sleep in. Most of the time I would be awake. It was just nice knowing I didn't have to get up right away. Even now, as I am upstairs on the computer, Olivia is continually going up and down the stairs. The battle between wanting to see what Mom is doing and wanting to bug her brother. But this means that she needs help opening and closing the baby gate so Rylan can't try and climb the stairs. She stands at the gate SCREAMING "HELP" and waiting for me to come unlock it. I can't sit at the computer for more than 10 minutes and focus on the bills that need to be paid or write my blog without getting interrupted at least 20 times (sounds normal, huh parents?)
Part of grief means re-learning everything I once knew. Self-care didn't used to be so difficult. The self-care I instilled when Matt was alive looks much different without him here and especially with two kids. As parents, as individuals, it's vital to make time for ourselves. We have to have time for reflection, rest, enjoyment, and chores. It's something I'm really, really terrible at. Lately I can feel the weight of parenting alone. And I realize that I have to find a consistent way to care for me. Because the better I care for myself, the better I can care for others-especially my kids. It falls on me to ask for it.
Many people have offered to take the kids so I can have time alone. I think since losing Matt, I have learned that I don't need help...at least I didn't think I did. Inner voice tells me "I am capable of carrying the weight alone." Which is true. I can do it alone. But should I? Is that that healthiest thing for myself and for my kids? I do need help. I do need a village. I do need time for just me. My dad asks me on a consistent basis when he can take the kids. I always shrug him off and tell him I don't need it. The self-care falls on me. I have to learn to swallow my pride and ask for help. I don't need to feel ashamed that I need a break. If I was working a corporate job, wouldn't I get my state-required breaks and a lunch hour? It seems only natural that a stay-at-home parent needs some time alone too.
Part of this means carving out time for grieving. It's easy to get busy with the day-to-day tasks and push grief aside. Without time to think about what happened, what life is like now, or how much I miss Matt, I put myself at risk for losing it. I notice a pattern. When I don't make time for grieving properly, I'm worn out and agitated. I'm emotionally drained which doesn't blend well with physical exhaustion.
I have to find a way to sit and process my loss. And I have to find a way to care for me.
**Just a note: I don't like writing about being a single parent because I realize that there are many situations where single parenting, co-parenting, even married parenting, moms and dads can be worn out, exhausted, and not have time for self-care. I know there are many out there that can relate to this without having lost their spouse. I never thought this would be where I am. It is something I never saw modeled (mine and Matt's parents are both still married). Single parenting isn't something I ever thought I would have to do. So when I write about it, it is because I am having to learn how to do it. I am having to learn about single parenting and grieve at the same time.
