Counting down the days...my due date is 21 days away. And yet that doesn't really mean much. Planning for a baby's arrival is really a strange thing for me. Just because they say "January 15th is your due date," that doesn't mean she is coming January 15th. She could come today or a week after her due date. That's a very strange concept to grasp for someone who likes having everything planned and in order. I often try and guess where I will be and what I will be doing when "it's time." Will my water break? Will I be at home with Matt? Will I be out running errands? Only God knows.
I have truly loved being pregnant. Each and every minute. Even the painful, uncomfortable, and hormonal minutes. But I think I am finally at the point of my pregnancy where a lot of women get. Ready to be done. Most of my reasoning is because I just cannot wait to see what Olivia looks like. I can't wait to hug her, kiss her, change a million stinky diapers, the list goes on and on.
I feel like this time of year there is so much anticipation around Christmas. And I can't wait to get beyond it just so I can meet my baby girl. I feel like I am missing the true meaning and spirit of Christmas this year because I am looking past it.
I have come to realize that being pregnant isn't easy. My pregnancy has been really smooth. And whenever people ask me how it is going or how I have been feeling, I can honestly say "great!" But there are times when you wonder if you will ever feel normal again. I wonder what it will be like to put shoes and socks on without my face turning bright red. I wonder what it will be like to wear pants that don't have elastic at the top. I wonder what it will be like to go up a flight of stairs without having to stop from being out of breath! And yet, I would do it all again (and plan to!)
Oh the joys of pregnancy. The miracle of it all. God sure crafted it well.
I am as ready as I can be. The nursery is together and organized. So well organized that my family laugh because I am sure it won't stay that way. I have Olivia's diaper bag packed and in my car. My suitcase is on the floor in our room so that when I go into labor, I can hopefully finish packing it. Every time I see that suitcase, I get more and more excited.
It's hard to believe that in 3 weeks (give or take), Matt and I will be parents. Our lives will never be the same. Do you know how many times I've heard that? And yet, it is so true. Last night we drove around looking at Christmas lights. I realized, moments like that will never just be moments with the two of us. I envisioned what next year will look like. Olivia almost one, tucked in her carseat, and Matt and I pointing out all the pretty lights.
I truly can't wait for my life to change forever because of Olivia. I can't believe Matt and I are so close to meeting our daughter. I look back a year ago and how my heart was so full of sadness after just losing two precious babies. And how now my heart is so full of love and gratitude.
Olivia, you can come whenever you want. And your mommy and daddy, family, and friends look forward to your arrival with so much anticipation!
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Birth classes...not for the faint of heart
Per the suggestion of Matt's best friend and his wife, I enrolled Matt and I in birth classes. Five weeks of birth classes. I think it is safe to say that I am more prepared than Matt for what is going to happen in that delivery room. And since he has very little knowledge, I thought the classes would be good for him. And me.
Let me first start off by saying that Matt is no wimp. He doesn't get grossed out by blood, guts, and gory stuff. He can hunt and gut what he kills, can handle stinky smells, and doesn't often bat an eye when it comes to "icky" stuff. However, when it comes to the female body, he would rather not know certain things. Being raised without sisters, and his mom keeping things of that nature private, it's no wonder he is the way he is. I've tried to bring up things to him like breastfeeding and he would just rather not know. He is also a very calm person. He doesn't get upset quickly and remains cool when things are uncomfortable.
I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I grew up watching brain surgery on TV while eating dinner, took stitches out of my dad on several occasions, and the more I can learn about medical "stuff," the better (unless it relates to feet and then I am completely grossed out). I will also admit that Matt is a good match for me because he doesn't get upset or stressed quickly. I do that for the both of us. Especially now that I am pregnant because my Type-A personality, along with hormones, have made me VERY anal and easily worked up.
We had our first birth class a couple weeks ago. I don't think either of us knew what to expect. And I certainly don't think either of us expected to jump in so fast! Right away the teacher started showing diagrams of the female body, how the baby is positioned before birth, how the baby affects the bladder, etc. She had a model pelvis and showed how the baby moves through the birth canal (awesome!) and she informed us on how to recognize the signs of labor. Terminology was used that had Matt squirming in his chair and had his face as white as a ghost.
It's a good thing Matt and I sat in the back of the room because he had me giggling like a little girl the whole time. He told me several times that he was going to kill his best friend for recommending this class. During a video we watched, where they showed an actual birth, I thought Matt was going to pass out. He squirmed and wiggled and mumbled things under his breath. I, however, got emotional and started crying while watching the birth. Funny how we reacted so differently to the same exact thing.
After we got home from the birth class, I asked Matt what he thought. And even though it's new and pretty gross for him, he still plans on cutting that umbilical cord, being part of every second, and told me he is really glad we are taking those classes together.
Let me first start off by saying that Matt is no wimp. He doesn't get grossed out by blood, guts, and gory stuff. He can hunt and gut what he kills, can handle stinky smells, and doesn't often bat an eye when it comes to "icky" stuff. However, when it comes to the female body, he would rather not know certain things. Being raised without sisters, and his mom keeping things of that nature private, it's no wonder he is the way he is. I've tried to bring up things to him like breastfeeding and he would just rather not know. He is also a very calm person. He doesn't get upset quickly and remains cool when things are uncomfortable.
I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I grew up watching brain surgery on TV while eating dinner, took stitches out of my dad on several occasions, and the more I can learn about medical "stuff," the better (unless it relates to feet and then I am completely grossed out). I will also admit that Matt is a good match for me because he doesn't get upset or stressed quickly. I do that for the both of us. Especially now that I am pregnant because my Type-A personality, along with hormones, have made me VERY anal and easily worked up.
We had our first birth class a couple weeks ago. I don't think either of us knew what to expect. And I certainly don't think either of us expected to jump in so fast! Right away the teacher started showing diagrams of the female body, how the baby is positioned before birth, how the baby affects the bladder, etc. She had a model pelvis and showed how the baby moves through the birth canal (awesome!) and she informed us on how to recognize the signs of labor. Terminology was used that had Matt squirming in his chair and had his face as white as a ghost.
It's a good thing Matt and I sat in the back of the room because he had me giggling like a little girl the whole time. He told me several times that he was going to kill his best friend for recommending this class. During a video we watched, where they showed an actual birth, I thought Matt was going to pass out. He squirmed and wiggled and mumbled things under his breath. I, however, got emotional and started crying while watching the birth. Funny how we reacted so differently to the same exact thing.
After we got home from the birth class, I asked Matt what he thought. And even though it's new and pretty gross for him, he still plans on cutting that umbilical cord, being part of every second, and told me he is really glad we are taking those classes together.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Amazing where a year will take you
Leading up to today has brought on a lot of emotions. A year has passed since Matt and I received the news of our first miscarriage. News that changed our lives forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. The details are vivid.
We went to the doctor full of excitement, joy, anticipation. It took 8.5 long months to get pregnant and there we were, finally seeing our tiny peanut for the first time. Only that never happened...instead my doctor informed me that the baby stopped growing. Everything else was there except our precious baby.
I remember trying to leave the doctor and feeling like I wanted to yell out crying but needing to be quiet because of the other patients. I remember my legs feeling like jello and wondered how I'd make it to the parking lot. I remember the look on Matt's face. His strength while he hurt so badly.
The days after the appointment didn't get easier. I quickly had surgery and had to figure out how to grieve a major loss. The depression and anxiety for months after was so great. I wanted to run away but knew good things had to come from it. Unfortunately, things got worse before they got better. Seven weeks later I had another miscarriage at home, my hCG levels began rising when they should have been dropping, I faced risk of a tubal pregnancy, and we had to wait 3 months before trying again. The weight of everything Matt and I face was so heavy and so hard to deal with.
Looking back I know there are only a few reasons why I made it through such a trying time. The biggest reason is my faith. I knew I couldn't endure such heartache without turning it over to God. I also have an amazing husband who shared the heartache with me and helped me through it. Sometimes all he had to do was hug me and let me cry. I also have a family who rallied around me. I still remember the way some of them held me and it brings tears to my eyes. I remember how my sister, my mom, and Matt's dad all hugged me like they've never hugged me before. Without saying anything, I knew their hearts were breaking but they were strong when I couldn't be. I also got through it because of my friends. I've always known I have great friends but this experience really showed me who they are.
The reason I kept fighting through all the pain is I knew God wouldn't have given me the deep desire to be a mom without fulfilling that desire. When my due date in April came around, I thought I'd be pregnant. I thought a new baby on the way would ease the pain. Instead I had to mourn the loss of our baby and know that good things were coming my way.
And good things definitely came. We got the green light from my doctor and after just two months of trying, we got a positive pregnancy test. My pregnancy has been nothing but wonderful. Even my doctor told me, "for someone who struggled so hard to get here, you have sure made it look easy."
Now here we are, 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Matt and I are so excited and thankful for her. Pregnancy is an amazing miracle. There's a precious little baby growing inside me. She's been carefully made exactly how God wants her to be. And even though there were times when it seemed like we would never be at this point, God knew exactly His plan for Matt, me, and our daughter.
I find myself welling up with tears sometimes. Different moments throughout my pregnancy are really impactful. Like when I first started working on her nursery, I sat on the floor with tears in my eyes. I envisioned all the late nights, poopy diapers, and hours spent rocking her. Or feeling her kick...it's been one of my favorite things about being pregnant. It's like she's reminding me "Mom, I'm here and I'm healthy." But I especially loved the first time Matt was able to feel her move. And it was just a few days ago. Driving in the car I told him she was really moving and he quickly put his hand on my belly. She didn't take long to show Daddy her moves and he felt her. He was amazed at the fact that it was HER moving and not just me making my stomach jump.
So despite all the heartache and pain we went through, I wouldn't ask to trade any of it. I know it was all part of God's plan in bringing us our daughter. And I know because of what we went through, it will make Matt and I better parents. I've learned to be so thankful for our journey and all that was involved. Thankful because it brought Matt and I so much closer together, to God, and to our baby.
We look forward with great joy to what January will bring. We can't wait to meet her, hold her, hug her, and tell her to her sweet face just how much we love her!
We went to the doctor full of excitement, joy, anticipation. It took 8.5 long months to get pregnant and there we were, finally seeing our tiny peanut for the first time. Only that never happened...instead my doctor informed me that the baby stopped growing. Everything else was there except our precious baby.
I remember trying to leave the doctor and feeling like I wanted to yell out crying but needing to be quiet because of the other patients. I remember my legs feeling like jello and wondered how I'd make it to the parking lot. I remember the look on Matt's face. His strength while he hurt so badly.
The days after the appointment didn't get easier. I quickly had surgery and had to figure out how to grieve a major loss. The depression and anxiety for months after was so great. I wanted to run away but knew good things had to come from it. Unfortunately, things got worse before they got better. Seven weeks later I had another miscarriage at home, my hCG levels began rising when they should have been dropping, I faced risk of a tubal pregnancy, and we had to wait 3 months before trying again. The weight of everything Matt and I face was so heavy and so hard to deal with.
Looking back I know there are only a few reasons why I made it through such a trying time. The biggest reason is my faith. I knew I couldn't endure such heartache without turning it over to God. I also have an amazing husband who shared the heartache with me and helped me through it. Sometimes all he had to do was hug me and let me cry. I also have a family who rallied around me. I still remember the way some of them held me and it brings tears to my eyes. I remember how my sister, my mom, and Matt's dad all hugged me like they've never hugged me before. Without saying anything, I knew their hearts were breaking but they were strong when I couldn't be. I also got through it because of my friends. I've always known I have great friends but this experience really showed me who they are.
The reason I kept fighting through all the pain is I knew God wouldn't have given me the deep desire to be a mom without fulfilling that desire. When my due date in April came around, I thought I'd be pregnant. I thought a new baby on the way would ease the pain. Instead I had to mourn the loss of our baby and know that good things were coming my way.
And good things definitely came. We got the green light from my doctor and after just two months of trying, we got a positive pregnancy test. My pregnancy has been nothing but wonderful. Even my doctor told me, "for someone who struggled so hard to get here, you have sure made it look easy."
Now here we are, 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Matt and I are so excited and thankful for her. Pregnancy is an amazing miracle. There's a precious little baby growing inside me. She's been carefully made exactly how God wants her to be. And even though there were times when it seemed like we would never be at this point, God knew exactly His plan for Matt, me, and our daughter.
I find myself welling up with tears sometimes. Different moments throughout my pregnancy are really impactful. Like when I first started working on her nursery, I sat on the floor with tears in my eyes. I envisioned all the late nights, poopy diapers, and hours spent rocking her. Or feeling her kick...it's been one of my favorite things about being pregnant. It's like she's reminding me "Mom, I'm here and I'm healthy." But I especially loved the first time Matt was able to feel her move. And it was just a few days ago. Driving in the car I told him she was really moving and he quickly put his hand on my belly. She didn't take long to show Daddy her moves and he felt her. He was amazed at the fact that it was HER moving and not just me making my stomach jump.
So despite all the heartache and pain we went through, I wouldn't ask to trade any of it. I know it was all part of God's plan in bringing us our daughter. And I know because of what we went through, it will make Matt and I better parents. I've learned to be so thankful for our journey and all that was involved. Thankful because it brought Matt and I so much closer together, to God, and to our baby.
We look forward with great joy to what January will bring. We can't wait to meet her, hold her, hug her, and tell her to her sweet face just how much we love her!
Monday, July 15, 2013
2nd Trimester
Not a day goes by that I don't feel incredibly special to be this baby's mom. And I'm so thankful that Matt will be by side through it all. Even on the days when I am crying to Matt because I feel fat and none of my clothes fit, I still feel so blessed. Matt is so patient and reassuring. He is always telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and his latest compliment is, "you wear my baby well."
This picture doesn't show my "belly" very well. This was taken last week (I am ALMOST 14 weeks now). But I just love this picture because of Maci. Every week when Matt takes my pictures, Maci has to be right in the middle of it all. I think she senses that something else is getting my full attention and doesn't like it very much .
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| 12 weeks 4 days |
The picture below was shocking to me when I saw it. I knew my tummy was getting bigger but I feel like there is just such a HUGE (literally) difference between my 12 and 13 week pictures. Maybe I ate too much? Or my clothes are showing it more? Oh well...not much I can do about it, right?
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| 13 weeks 3 days
July 5th was the first time we HEARD Baby's heartbeat. I'm so glad Matt was able to be there. The nurse was having a hard time at first finding the heartbeat. I laid there holding my breath, trying not to move and totally scared. She finally said "did you hear it?" Both Matt and I didn't hear what she did. She kept looking. Then again, "did you hear it?" Still nothing. Finally, it came through so crystal clear and beautiful. I could have laid there and listened to that beating heart all afternoon. Even though we have seen the heartbeat on the ultrasounds, being able to hear it was a beautiful moment.
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But the reason that appointment was so awesome is because I was able to SEE Baby again. Unfortunately Matt couldn't leave work but I was able to bring Val (his mom) with me to the appointment. The last part of it was a very long ultrasound. Anytime I get to see this miracle, I'm in awe. And this day was no different. The ultrasound tech was extremely nice and kept complimenting him/her. She said "it's so cute" a bunch of times, "it's a beautiful baby" and even said "it's very photogenic and cooperative." She also switched to using a 3D ultrasound and we got to see with much more detail what the baby looks like. And I must say, it's adorable (of course I'm a biased mother)! Every time I see the pictures, it makes my heart smile.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Feeling blessed...and tired!
Over the last several weeks, I have felt an abundance of blessings. Not just for this sweet baby growing healthy and strong but for so many reasons.
Up until now, my pregnancy has been quite easy. I guess I always envisioned that when you get pregnant you'd actually FEEL pregnant. Most mornings I find myself waking up and reminding myself, "you're really pregnant." I don't have the normal symptoms like morning sickness. But I do notice changes in myself that are definitely pregnancy related. Like being so so so tired...last night I was asleep on the couch by 8:15! And my previous love of seafood has gone away...the thought makes me gag. In fact, meat in general is hard to stomach. For a few weeks I was having trouble eating! I even lost 3 pounds after a week and half. Ironic how I couldn't lose weight before I was pregnant! I have only thrown up once, while I was on my work trip in Alaska. We were blessed to take an amazing seaplane tour. Unfortunately for me, I was sick the whole time! But my team interpreter and my clients were more than understanding! But I feel extremely thankful for my symptoms and that they aren't worse!
The night I found out I'm pregnant, Matt grabbed Chinese takeout for dinner. We were all finished eating and I opened my fortune cookie to find the most perfect fortune. It said, "good things come in small packages. One is coming to you soon." We were amazed at the appropriateness and knew we had to save it for the scrapbook. Except Maci, our puppy, had a different idea. While we were cleaning up, she took the fortune off the coffee table and ATE it! I tried to get it out of her throat but had no luck. And of course it made me cry...thanks hormones!
We've had two ultrasounds already. Both show a healthy and beautiful baby. At my second ultrasound I was more nervous than I was at the first. I actually went to my doctor's office for it whereas with the first I went to an imaging place. The doctor's office carried a lot of bad memories with it. Especially the ultrasound room. And we were put in the same room where we were told the devastating news of my first miscarriage. But Matt ALWAYS knows how to make me laugh even at my most nervous. And now my memories of that room have changed. It's where I look back and remember Matt seeing our baby for the first time. For the relief we both felt. After my 2nd ultrasound I just stared at the picture and cried. Matt saw me and said, "you're happy, aren't you?" Happy doesn't even come close!
Up until now, my pregnancy has been quite easy. I guess I always envisioned that when you get pregnant you'd actually FEEL pregnant. Most mornings I find myself waking up and reminding myself, "you're really pregnant." I don't have the normal symptoms like morning sickness. But I do notice changes in myself that are definitely pregnancy related. Like being so so so tired...last night I was asleep on the couch by 8:15! And my previous love of seafood has gone away...the thought makes me gag. In fact, meat in general is hard to stomach. For a few weeks I was having trouble eating! I even lost 3 pounds after a week and half. Ironic how I couldn't lose weight before I was pregnant! I have only thrown up once, while I was on my work trip in Alaska. We were blessed to take an amazing seaplane tour. Unfortunately for me, I was sick the whole time! But my team interpreter and my clients were more than understanding! But I feel extremely thankful for my symptoms and that they aren't worse!
The night I found out I'm pregnant, Matt grabbed Chinese takeout for dinner. We were all finished eating and I opened my fortune cookie to find the most perfect fortune. It said, "good things come in small packages. One is coming to you soon." We were amazed at the appropriateness and knew we had to save it for the scrapbook. Except Maci, our puppy, had a different idea. While we were cleaning up, she took the fortune off the coffee table and ATE it! I tried to get it out of her throat but had no luck. And of course it made me cry...thanks hormones!
We've had two ultrasounds already. Both show a healthy and beautiful baby. At my second ultrasound I was more nervous than I was at the first. I actually went to my doctor's office for it whereas with the first I went to an imaging place. The doctor's office carried a lot of bad memories with it. Especially the ultrasound room. And we were put in the same room where we were told the devastating news of my first miscarriage. But Matt ALWAYS knows how to make me laugh even at my most nervous. And now my memories of that room have changed. It's where I look back and remember Matt seeing our baby for the first time. For the relief we both felt. After my 2nd ultrasound I just stared at the picture and cried. Matt saw me and said, "you're happy, aren't you?" Happy doesn't even come close!
Monday, June 3, 2013
We're pregnant!!!
Words can't adequately describe how I feel right now! I don't know if I should just keep smiling like a fool or cry...it's usually both.
I just left the imaging place with my mom. Unfortunately, Matt wasn't able to leave work today. The ultrasound results showed nothing but a healthy, strong baby!!
After over 20 appointments and blood draws, two heartbreaking miscarriages, and a total of a year and a half of trying, Matt and I are blessed with a healthy pregnancy!
We shared the news with our family by giving our moms a jar of "Prego" spaghetti sauce for Mother's Day. They were both very confused but once we asked what kind of sauce is was, the screaming and laughter was priceless.
Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, encouragement, and love over the last year and a half. We are so thankful for our friends and family and especially this little baby!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
My due date
First of all, I am not sure how to say it...today should have been my due date...today is my due date...today was my due date...I think it changes every time I talk about it. No matter how I say it, today was the due date for the first baby I miscarried.
It's hard to believe that almost 8 months have passed since I was given the hardest news of my life...that I had miscarried. And it's also hard to believe that 7 weeks later it happened again. Both miscarriages brought a tremendous amount of pain and heartache, but today's was the only one I carried long enough to get a due date for. I fell so deeply in love with that baby for the 10 weeks I carried it. And it blows my mind how much impact s/he had on so many lives, especially mine, when it never breathed a breath on Earth. I thought Matt and I would be in a different place by now. I thought I would be pregnant by the time my due date rolled around. But that proves to me, again, that is isn't MY time...it's God's time.
I don't know how to feel today. My heart is full of sadness that we aren't about to welcome our baby into the world. But I am also full of hope and joy. I am proud of myself for getting through such a difficult time. No one ever imagines they will miscarry. And I never dreamed I would be strong enough to endure it. But I am. And I can't take the credit for it. I got through all of this because of faith. I prayed because I didn't have answers. I prayed when all I could do was cry. And I prayed that God would get me through this. And He has done exactly that. God also put an incredible man by my side to walk through this journey with me. He also gave me friends and family that held me up, prayed for me, and cried with me.
About a month ago we were given the "green light" to start trying to get pregnant again. We didn't have success the first month but I am optimistic that our time is coming soon. It's exciting to know that my doctor feels my body is ready to start trying again. But it is also very scary going into this again after everything we have been through.
I recently held a 1-week-old baby. I thought I would melt into a puddle of tears after holding him. His due date was just a few weeks before mine so I thought it would be really hard meeting him. But, I felt like he helped in my healing process. I felt so blessed to hold this little miracle. And when I left, I realized why this journey is so important. A small (in size) miracle and such a new life is why Matt and I keep fighting and going through this process.
It's been a long and difficult year and 4 months for Matt and me (from when we started trying). I know that everything that we have been through is leading us to a point where we will one day be holding OUR newborn baby. The healing hasn't been easy and I know I will always have a special place in my heart for those two babies we lost. And I will continue to let myself grieve when my heart needs it.
The future is unknown and sometimes scary. But I try to live my life focusing on NOW. Thinking about the past makes me fearful of the future. But living my life in the moment can only make me happy.
It's hard to believe that almost 8 months have passed since I was given the hardest news of my life...that I had miscarried. And it's also hard to believe that 7 weeks later it happened again. Both miscarriages brought a tremendous amount of pain and heartache, but today's was the only one I carried long enough to get a due date for. I fell so deeply in love with that baby for the 10 weeks I carried it. And it blows my mind how much impact s/he had on so many lives, especially mine, when it never breathed a breath on Earth. I thought Matt and I would be in a different place by now. I thought I would be pregnant by the time my due date rolled around. But that proves to me, again, that is isn't MY time...it's God's time.
I don't know how to feel today. My heart is full of sadness that we aren't about to welcome our baby into the world. But I am also full of hope and joy. I am proud of myself for getting through such a difficult time. No one ever imagines they will miscarry. And I never dreamed I would be strong enough to endure it. But I am. And I can't take the credit for it. I got through all of this because of faith. I prayed because I didn't have answers. I prayed when all I could do was cry. And I prayed that God would get me through this. And He has done exactly that. God also put an incredible man by my side to walk through this journey with me. He also gave me friends and family that held me up, prayed for me, and cried with me.
About a month ago we were given the "green light" to start trying to get pregnant again. We didn't have success the first month but I am optimistic that our time is coming soon. It's exciting to know that my doctor feels my body is ready to start trying again. But it is also very scary going into this again after everything we have been through.
I recently held a 1-week-old baby. I thought I would melt into a puddle of tears after holding him. His due date was just a few weeks before mine so I thought it would be really hard meeting him. But, I felt like he helped in my healing process. I felt so blessed to hold this little miracle. And when I left, I realized why this journey is so important. A small (in size) miracle and such a new life is why Matt and I keep fighting and going through this process.
It's been a long and difficult year and 4 months for Matt and me (from when we started trying). I know that everything that we have been through is leading us to a point where we will one day be holding OUR newborn baby. The healing hasn't been easy and I know I will always have a special place in my heart for those two babies we lost. And I will continue to let myself grieve when my heart needs it.
The future is unknown and sometimes scary. But I try to live my life focusing on NOW. Thinking about the past makes me fearful of the future. But living my life in the moment can only make me happy.
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