Anxiety isn't something I experienced much of prior to losing
Matt. Since his passing, I've learned how debilitating it can be. It can feel
as though you're suffocating.
I've mentioned some of my struggles with anxiety in prior blog
posts. My anxiety came right away when we were in the hospital with Matt. Since
I was pregnant, it was important to keep my stress and anxiety low. Seems like
an impossible task but my doctor quickly prescribed medication to help my
anxiety and help me sleep. I'm thankful for those meds because even when I was
on them, my anxiety was incredibly high. Anxiety attacks are horrible and
sometimes embarrassing. They are also very scary. I remember one night, being
in the middle of an anxiety attack, and my dad wanting to call 911 because I
could not breathe. I remember night after night sitting on the couch with my
foot jiggling away. I was completely unaware of it happening until my mom or
dad would mention it.
As I became stronger, I realized that my medication wasn't
needed anymore. The tools I've learned in therapy are absolutely the reason I
was able to wean from my meds. Without therapy, I think I'd still be on them.
But this doesn't mean I don't still suffer from anxiety.
Every single time I leave my house, I'm anxious. I never know
where triggers lie. I never know when I might melt into a puddle of tears. I've
been at the store numerous times and had to leave because of a song that comes
on that reminds me of Matt. I've been at the gym and sobbed beneath my hat
because of a song that starts playing. It's not just music. It's can be a smell
or how the weather is. It can be an event I'm going to alone or someone
innocently asking me what my husband does. It can be trying my best to avoid
triggers but somehow, something still affects me.
I recently went out with my best friend, Brittney, and her
husband, Ryan. We decided to grab a drink at Farrelli's. I almost told them
that I wanted to pick a different place but knew if I had a break down that
they would understand. Farrelli's is full of memories related to Matt. I threw
a surprise party for his 30th birthday there. We went to dinner with his mom's
family the day after finding out I was pregnant with Olivia. I remember this
because only his mom and dad knew our news. And I remember sitting there with
them thinking how no one knew I was carrying a baby. It was also where I met
Matt and his best friend, Eli, the day before Thanksgiving when Olivia was just
a baby. They grabbed a bite, some beer, took Olivia, and I went next door and
had a manicure and pedicure in peace.
These are all very random memories, and may seem insignificant,
but they are the ones I hold onto that keep Matt alive in my heart.
When I sat down with Brittney and Ryan at Farrelli's, "A
Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong started playing. This song is
significant because it reminds me of Val and her relationship with Matt and
Justin. It's the song she danced to with both of them and their weddings. Every
time I hear it, I think of them. So when it started playing, I knew it was
somehow Matt telling me to be ok in that moment with my friends. It made me
smile. It was also profound moment because it ended up being one of the only
songs played in the restaurant that night since the Cougar football game was on.
There are also really obvious situations that I can’t put myself
in. My dad recently had a total knee replacement. In the past, I’ve been at
every doctor appointment and surgery he’s ever had. When his knee replacement
was scheduled, I had every intention of going with my mom to keep her company
and be there with them. As the day approached, my anxiety rose higher and
higher. The thought of spending time in a hospital, in a waiting room, and
being in a recovery room was too much. There was also the thought of having to
use the soap there and having it smell like the soap from our time spent with
Matt. The soap stands out in my
memory. Constantly washing my hands every time I went into Matt’s room. Hoping
that by doing my small part of
keeping away germs and possible infection that it would somehow save him.
Not being able to go with my mom and dad for surgery was so hard
on me. Throughout surgery, my mom kept my siblings and myself informed in a
group text. Even living through it via text was hard! I know I made the right
decision by not going with them. But it also stirred up so much anger. Anger
that I couldn’t be part of it. Anger
how every aspect of my life is impacted by Matt’s passing.
We are just weeks away from the two year anniversary of Matt’s
passing. I hate the word anniversary in this context. Isn’t an anniversary
something worth celebrating? It could be easy to argue that it is a celebration that he is Home with
Jesus. But it’s not. He should be here with us. I know the change of
seasons means a new wave of pain. I know the next few weeks are going to be
incredibly hard. I know as we approach that day I will feel pain and sadness
that is new and also very familiar. There will be daily reminders of what we
faced two years ago. With the shock subsiding a little, it is easier to see
that this is life now. And with that realization comes a lot of new pain.
