Beauty From Ashes

I've worked hard. Like, really hard. I can say that with confidence because of the place I am sitting today.

It's Sunday at 1:53 PM. There's a large pile of laundry that needs to be folded, there are dishes all over the counter, and I'm still in my pajamas. And get this. I haven't even brushed my teeth today. I am enjoying a margarita while I listen to Keith Urban with a dog snuggled beside me and my 6 year old that just came in and said "Mom, I just want to hug you."

I mean, why would I complain? It's idilic. But for me, I see so much growth. To the point where I need to make note of this moment and this feeling. There was a time in my life when my loneliness was all-consuming. All I thought about was the huge missing piece of my life. And it's gone. Of course I can attribute this to Luke. But there is so much more to it than just having Luke. 

You see, my loneliness wasn't just about losing Matt and not having anyone. My loneliness was so much about me, too. I didn't fully love myself. I couldn't find contentment in anything, with anyone, or anywhere because I was so broken. I hated how my life unfolded. Losing your husband at such a young age, having a toddler, and being pregnant? But not just losing Matt impacted me. It was discovery that hurt me time and time again. Discovery of finding my tribe and what that means-both beautiful and painful. It was discovery of my lack of boundaries which lead to overextending myself. Discovery that I simply didn't care for me. 

As much as it looked like I was caring for myself, I really wasn't. I have been religious about the gym. I eat well. I sleep. I journal, walk, attend therapy. All tools I have obtained over the years to get me here. But if I'm honest, I was giving so much of myself that I lost me. I lost my own importance. 

2020 was a hard year. For many of us. For me, it meant I had to finally hit rock bottom. Hard. I had physically never felt better. I was embarking on a new chapter at a Vie-a place so special to me. I had a boyfriend. My kids were happy. Life seemed good. Then COVID hit. And things started shutting down. And then, the relationship I thought was good, ended abruptly. It was the absolute darkest time of my life. Did the break up cause it? No. Did the breakup trigger so much more? YES. 

When Matt passed, I was 16 weeks pregnant with Rylan. I was wrecked. Completely devastated. But no matter where my grief took me, I couldn't fully hit rock bottom because of the life I carried and the life I had to care for (Olivia). Fast forward to 2020 when I find myself blindsided and heartbroken, the world was shut down, I had no where to go, nothing to do. I wasn't carrying life. And my kids were at the ages where they didn't need me with the same type of dependency. So I crashed hard. To the point where I was close to being admitted to a psych hospital. My parents and Matt's parents were lost. My siblings, frustrated and angry. They were hurting too. They didn't know what to do. But, my neighbors somehow saw signs. Maybe they were more obvious than I realize. But without being able to interact with each other, they knew I wasn't ok. They stepped in in the most gentle and careful way. They added perspective and compassion that none of us had anymore. They got me help. They saved me.

The help given to me from that point on has shown me a depth of grief that I really never understood. At the time of my episode, Matt had been gone for 5+ years. I thought I had my grief sorted out and understood. But the truth is, grief and trauma runs so deep. A trigger truly is a trigger. It's unseen until you're smacked right in the face with it.

Do I still miss Matt? Without a doubt. We are inching our way to our 12th wedding anniversary while I plan a wedding with Luke. How emotionally confusing, right? Do I still cry at random because he's gone? Yep. But there's beauty too. For example, St. Patrick's day we had my parents, Luke's dad, and Matt's parents over for dinner. After the house grew quiet, all I could reflect on was how proud Matt would be. He would beam over the fact that his favorite people are finding love, new memories, and happiness while we all carry the heaviness of missing him.

Today isn't about that terribly low place. The place that was terrifying for many of us. Today I feel calm even though everything isn't in perfect order. Today I feel grateful that I never quit. Today I see much more clearly. One of the biggest blessings was realizing what that breakup and rock bottom taught me. That breakup taught me to love and value myself. It equipped me in new ways to eventually be the best partner for Luke. It prepared me to be a stepmom. It healed me in new ways that Olivia and Rylan need. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. Tragic loss is just that-tragic. But I do believe we are given the choice on how we face those unforeseen moments. And I'm grateful that I can look back and be proud of where I'm at today. 

It's not over. Darkness will come again. But I with certainty I see that beauty comes from ashes.