Today I had my 2 week post-op appointment with my doctor. It was an appointment I was both dreading and looking forward to. I was dreading it because today should have been the start of my 2nd trimester and instead I was going to see him for a follow-up from my miscarriage. I was also looking forward to it because I was hoping to gain closure from the last two weeks. I wanted to hear something positive from the office and have a better memory than what I left with last time.
Today when I got to the doctor, right away he asked if we had talked about seeing a specialist. Right away, I started to freak out. I tried to remain calm because I wanted to hear him out and see what my options were. My doctor explained to me, that unlike before, my problem isn't GETTING pregnant, it is STAYING pregnant. He said I had two options: 1-continue what I've been doing or 2-see a specialist for further testing as to why I am not staying pregnant. He told me that if it was his wife, he felt it was too early to see a specialist. However, I am not 100% guaranteed that I will stay pregnant when I do get pregnant again (nothing in life is guaranteed, is it?) I opted to keep trying what we have been doing; the Provera and the Clomid. We will see how that goes for a few months and if I don't get pregnant, Matt and I will consider seeing a specialist. My doctor isn't worried about me getting pregnant. If I do miscarry again, which the odds are in my favor that I won't, then Matt and I would discuss a specialist at that point as well.
So what does this all mean? We try, we wait, and we pray.
Right now my prayer is for peace with my miscarriage. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand why I had a miscarriage but I do pray that someday I will be at peace with the fact that I did. I also pray that I get pregnant and that I don't miscarry again. I pray that I don't have to see a specialist.
Since finding out about my miscarriage I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Today I cry less than I was crying last week. I know I am healing physically AND emotionally. However, I still wake up every morning thinking "I'm not pregnant." It's been really hard. Sometimes I feel like my smiles and laughter are forced. And other times, I break down in tears because I know it's part of my healing and grieving process. I keep in mind that a lot of people have it a lot worse. I am grateful that my doctor was who found out about my miscarriage and that I didn't miscarry on my own.
I can't begin to explain the amount of love and support I have seen since posting my last blog. People have come to me with such open hearts and shared with me their own losses and struggles and have encouraged me in so many ways. It has been humbling and wonderful to know the amount of friends and family we have loving and supporting us during this time.
I've learned a lot in the last two weeks. I have learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. And I have learned that the people Matt and I are surrounded with are amazing people. When we do finally bring a baby into this world, it will without a doubt be loved by SO MANY people.
I know I have a long road ahead of me to grieve the loss of our baby. I know there are going to be days that are easier than others. But I keep reminding myself that everyday I get through is one day closer to when we get to hold a baby in our arms.
