Missing the Ordinary

Here it is, 7 months since Matt passed. I've kind of dreaded this point. It means I am that much closer to facing the one year mark. I also feel Iike the more time that passes, the more expectations I have. Expectations that I should be healing more and doing better. I know they aren't real and no one expects anything of me and that there's no timeline for any of this. 

I've admitted avoidance before. It's been easier for me to hide away and not admit that the world still moves while I sit here feeling stuck. But I know this isn't healthy and that I can't avoid people and places forever. Aside from avoiding situations and isolating myself from family and friends, I've also been avoiding thinking in depth about Matt. There's so much pain when I think about him and that's the last feeling I want to feel when I think of Matt. It seems like I allow myself an hour a week to really be sad and that happens at therapy. During this time, my therapist has told me how damaging it can be to avoid my grief and this process. She recognizes how hard it is to be lonely and sad but also taught me how it's so important to feel everything that goes along with this. She recommended I allow myself a scheduled timeframe everyday to really think about Matt and his passing. The rest of the times he comes to mind, I need to think about the joy he brought to my life and the specifics on how and when. She said with time, those will be the memories I go to first before thinking of all the details of his passing. 

I recently took Olivia and Rylan up to Matt's brother's house to see him and his wife. This was a big step for me. Not only did I go to Justin and Allison's house without Matt, it was my first big outing with both kids and without the help of my mom or dad. This also meant driving without an another adult, leaving a lot of time with just my thoughts. I used this time as my therapist recommended and allowed myself to go to the dark places I've been avoiding. It left my heart physically aching which is exactly the reason I haven't been thinking about Matt as much as I want to. It just hurts too much. 

Since Matt passed, the majority of the things I've dreaded have been big holidays, celebrations, or events. During my drive to Justin and Allison's I realized the everyday and ordinary days are the ones I miss the most. 

I miss being able to ask Matt sports questions and knowing he would have an answer for all of them. 


I miss knowing everyday at lunch he would call me and check on how my day was going. 

I miss him texting me everyday as he left work saying "rolling Bean. Need anything?" 

When my feet were cold at night, I'd slide them over to his side of the bed, find his legs, and tuck my feet under them to warm up. I miss that.

I miss seeing his beard clippings in the bathroom sink and the tissue paper in our bed during allergy season. 

The inside jokes, sayings, and stories aren't shared with him anymore and instead they're just my memories. 

I miss the way he told stories. He was the best at telling a story and making everyone around him feel as though they were there. 

I miss that he made sure I always went to bed laughing. Almost every night I'd find his socks under my pillow. He knew it made me smile and annoyed me. And he would laugh every night knowing he accomplished both.

I miss Saturday mornings. Making pancakes together. His messy hair and seeing him in sweatpants. I miss him asking me for a hug. I'd give anything to hug him. 

I miss watching TV with him. 

I miss driving with him. Anytime we would go somewhere, when we got to our destination, he would roll down the windows. I'd laugh because it was so sweet. He said it was so he could get a feel for where we were.

I miss the sound of his laugh. 

It might sound silly but Matt was my favorite person. It's exhausting being sad all the time. It's exhausting never being able to escape from my own thoughts. Even when I sleep, my subconscious is thinking about Matt which means I often dream about him. Sometimes they're really good, sometimes they're horrible. But I always dream he's alive making mornings really hard. 

Being out in public and seeing people live their life and do the "ordinary" makes missing Matt that much deeper. I try not to compare what I see around me. I know everyone carries their own stories. But I see other families and couples and want it so much. I want to be going to the zoo as a family, I want to be at Home Depot and buying new plants for our yard, I want to be doing his laundry and folding his socks. I want to have my life back and I want to tell everyone to appreciate the ordinary. Because the ordinary can be gone in an instant