2nd Trimester

Not a day goes by that I don't feel incredibly special to be this baby's mom. And I'm so thankful that Matt will be by side through it all. Even on the days when I am crying to Matt because I feel fat and none of my clothes fit, I still feel so blessed. Matt is so patient and reassuring. He is always telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and his latest compliment is, "you wear my baby well." 

This picture doesn't show my "belly" very well. This was taken last week (I am ALMOST 14 weeks now). But I just love this picture because of Maci. Every week when Matt takes my pictures, Maci has to be right in the middle of it all. I think she senses that something else is getting my full attention and doesn't like it very much .

12 weeks 4 days

Over the last couple weeks, I've seen a shift in my physical self. I can see changes taking place. To most people, I am sure I just look like I have a tummy. But it's a tummy I've never had before. A tummy that I KNOW is actually my "baby bump." And while I often say "I'm fat," and I am still exhausted, and most food doesn't sound good, I wouldn't trade any of it!

The picture below was shocking to me when I saw it. I knew my tummy was getting bigger but I feel like there is just such a HUGE (literally) difference between my 12 and 13 week pictures. Maybe I ate too much? Or my clothes are showing it more? Oh well...not much I can do about it, right?

13 weeks 3 days

July 5th was the first time we HEARD Baby's heartbeat. I'm so glad Matt was able to be there. The nurse was having a hard time at first finding the heartbeat. I laid there holding my breath, trying not to move  and totally scared. She finally said "did you hear it?" Both Matt and I didn't hear what she did. She kept looking. Then again, "did you hear it?" Still nothing. Finally, it came through so crystal clear and beautiful. I could have laid there and listened to that beating heart all afternoon. Even though we have seen the heartbeat on the ultrasounds, being able to hear it was a beautiful moment. 

Also a couple weeks ago, I had a doctor appointment that was a truly incredible. I went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic to have a Sequential Screen done. The series of tests looks for things like Down syndrome, Trisomy 18, open tube defects, along with other problems that might cause issues during my pregnancy and delivery. We won't know the results for about a month because they will compare the blood test from that appointment with a blood test that I repeat in a few weeks. It's easy to worry about all the potential problems but I choose to trust that God is continuing to work His great plan.

But the reason that appointment was so awesome is because I was able to SEE Baby again. Unfortunately Matt couldn't leave work but I was able to bring Val (his mom) with me to the appointment. The last part of it was a very long ultrasound. Anytime I get to see this miracle, I'm in awe. And this day was no different. The ultrasound tech was extremely nice and kept complimenting him/her. She said "it's so cute" a bunch of times, "it's a beautiful baby" and even said "it's very photogenic and cooperative." She also switched to using a 3D ultrasound and we got to see with much more detail what the baby looks like. And I must say, it's adorable (of course I'm a biased mother)! Every time I see the pictures, it makes my heart smile. 

Feeling blessed...and tired!

Over the last several weeks, I have felt an abundance of blessings. Not just for this sweet baby growing healthy and strong but for so many reasons.

Up until now, my pregnancy has been quite easy. I guess I always envisioned that when you get pregnant you'd actually FEEL pregnant. Most mornings I find myself waking up and reminding myself, "you're really pregnant." I don't have the normal symptoms like morning sickness. But I do notice changes in myself that are definitely pregnancy related. Like being so so so tired...last night I was asleep on the couch by 8:15! And my previous love of seafood has gone away...the thought makes me gag. In fact, meat in general is hard to stomach. For a few weeks I was having trouble eating! I even lost 3 pounds after a week and half. Ironic how I couldn't lose weight before I was pregnant! I have only thrown up once, while I was on my work trip in Alaska. We were blessed to take an amazing seaplane tour. Unfortunately for me, I was sick the whole time! But my team interpreter and my clients were more than understanding! But I feel extremely thankful for my symptoms and that they aren't worse!

The night I found out I'm pregnant, Matt grabbed Chinese takeout for dinner. We were all finished eating and I opened my fortune cookie to find the most perfect fortune. It said, "good things come in small packages. One is coming to you soon." We were amazed at the appropriateness and knew we had to save it for the scrapbook. Except Maci, our puppy, had a different idea. While we were cleaning up, she took the fortune off the coffee table and ATE it! I tried to get it out of her throat but had no luck. And of course it made me cry...thanks hormones!

We've had two ultrasounds already. Both show a healthy and beautiful baby. At my second ultrasound I was more nervous than I was at the first. I actually went to my doctor's office for it whereas with the first I went to an imaging place. The doctor's office carried a lot of bad memories with it. Especially the ultrasound room. And we were put in the same room where we were told the devastating news of my first miscarriage. But Matt ALWAYS knows how to make me laugh even at my most nervous. And now my memories of that room have changed. It's where I look back and remember Matt seeing our baby for the first time. For the relief we both felt. After my 2nd ultrasound I just stared at the picture and cried. Matt saw me and said, "you're happy, aren't you?" Happy doesn't even come close!

We're pregnant!!!

Words can't adequately describe how I feel right now! I don't know if I should just keep smiling like a fool or cry...it's usually both.

I just left the imaging place with my mom. Unfortunately, Matt wasn't able to leave work today. The ultrasound results showed nothing but a healthy, strong baby!!

After over 20 appointments and blood draws, two heartbreaking miscarriages, and a total of a year and a half of trying, Matt and I are blessed with a healthy pregnancy!

We shared the news with our family by giving our moms a jar of "Prego" spaghetti sauce for Mother's Day. They were both very confused but once we asked what kind of sauce is was, the screaming and laughter was priceless. 

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, encouragement, and love over the last year and a half. We are so thankful for our friends and family and especially this little baby!

My due date

First of all, I am not sure how to say it...today should have been my due date...today is my due date...today was my due date...I think it changes every time I talk about it. No matter how I say it, today was the due date for the first baby I miscarried.

It's hard to believe that almost 8 months have passed since I was given the hardest news of my life...that I had miscarried. And it's also hard to believe that 7 weeks later it happened again. Both miscarriages brought a tremendous amount of pain and heartache, but today's was the only one I carried long enough to get a due date for. I fell so deeply in love with that baby for the 10 weeks I carried it. And it blows my mind how much impact s/he had on so many lives, especially mine, when it never breathed a breath on Earth. I thought Matt and I would be in a different place by now. I thought I would be pregnant by the time my due date rolled around. But that proves to me, again, that is isn't MY time...it's God's time.

I don't know how to feel today. My heart is full of sadness that we aren't about to welcome our baby into the world. But I am also full of hope and joy. I am proud of myself for getting through such a difficult time. No one ever imagines they will miscarry. And I never dreamed I would be strong enough to endure it. But I am. And I can't take the credit for it. I got through all of this because of faith. I prayed because I didn't have answers. I prayed when all I could do was cry. And I prayed that God would get me through this. And He has done exactly that. God also put an incredible man by my side to walk through this journey with me. He also gave me friends and family that held me up, prayed for me, and cried with me.

About a month ago we were given the "green light" to start trying to get pregnant again. We didn't have success the first month but I am optimistic that our time is coming soon. It's exciting to know that my doctor feels my body is ready to start trying again. But it is also very scary going into this again after everything we have been through.

I recently held a 1-week-old baby. I thought I would melt into a puddle of tears after holding him. His due date was just a few weeks before mine so I thought it would be really hard meeting him. But, I felt like he helped in my healing process. I felt so blessed to hold this little miracle. And when I left, I realized why this journey is so important. A small (in size) miracle and such a new life is why Matt and I keep fighting and going through this process.  

It's been a long and difficult year and 4 months for Matt and me (from when we started trying). I know that everything that we have been through is leading us to a point where we will one day be holding OUR newborn baby. The healing hasn't been easy and I know I will always have a special place in my heart for those two babies we lost. And I will continue to let myself grieve when my heart needs it.

The future is unknown and sometimes scary. But I try to live my life focusing on NOW. Thinking about the past makes me fearful of the future. But living my life in the moment can only make me happy.

A few months to just relax!

It finally happened! My hCG levels finally reached zero! It didn't take as long as I expected but it feels good knowing that now all we do is wait. No appointments, no medication, no calling every week to find out results. Simply NOT get pregnant and go once a month for a blood draw. Three months from now we should get the approval to start trying again. Until then, we just breathe and trust that God is working His plan through all of this.

Another exciting thing to note, I got a call from the specialist recently. He called after he spent some time looking over my chart and wanted to let me know what he saw. He said that my body responds well to the Clomid and he would like me to continue that route when we start trying again. He also said that he sees no reason why we won't get pregnant and why we would have another miscarriage. It was great to know that after the three months of waiting, our odds are pretty good that things will turn out a lot better than they have been.

It's a good feeling to have the last few months behind us. It's exciting to go into 2013 knowing that we are starting fresh. Knowing that we are healed, healthy, and that the odds are in our favor for a healthy pregnancy is a great feeling.

Sleepless night...

Last night was one of the worst nights sleep I've had in a long time. I laid awake stressing and praying about the outcome of my doctor appointment today. A year ago when we started on this journey to start a family we never dreamed we would be up against so much.

This past week has been stressful. We got word that my hCG levels were starting to rise (never a good thing unless I'm pregnant). Because there's no chance I'm pregnant, we were told there was a risk of having an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I had to wait to find out more until I saw my doctor until today. The last 24 hours were some of the hardest moments of my life. I dreaded and feared the worst. I kept imagining I'd get news that it WAS an ectopic pregnancy and that my Fallopian tube would have to be removed.

Thankfully, I got better news than I ever anticipated. It is NOT a tubal pregnancy. My doctor believes that there was leftover tissue from my last D&C that started to grow back which caused my hCG levels to slowly rise again. He doesn't think surgery is necessary because of how low my levels are. In order to stop the tissue from growing, I had to get two injections to stop the cell growth. I am beyond relieved that my tubes will stay in tact!

The only bad news I left with today is that we will have to wait longer to start trying for a baby again. We will continue to monitor my hCG levels until they reach zero. Once that happens, they will have to stay there for 3 months before we can start trying. I know waiting that time is the best thing for myself, Matt, and our future baby. But waiting is definitely a challenge.

I am grateful that people knew how to pray for me over the last few days. I was feeling discouraged and so frustrated. But I'm feeling better and more optimistic because of the prayers and support from so many.

We finally have SOME answers!

Last week, Matt and I met with the specialist. After a LONG time answering questions, we left with a lab slip for blood work to be done and very little clarity. We did get some good news while at that appointment. First, the doctor told us he didn't see any reason why we couldn't get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. He even mentioned that we might not need his help to do so. Great news, yes, but didn't explain WHY we had two miscarriages. Second, he told us that since I am not "infertile" (since we can get pregnant) it is likely that insurance will cover our visits with him. And lastly, we don't have to wait an extended period of time to start trying again. My current hCG levels are at 100 but once they drop below 2, we have been given the "ok" to start trying. Overall, it was a good appointment. We felt hopeful and excited, yet still nervous that we could have another miscarriage.

After almost a week of waiting for my blood work results, and after several phone calls on my end, I finally heard from the doctor. He said my lab results came back "somewhat normal." He said I have what is called the MTHFR homozygote which is believed to cause miscarriages. From what I understand from the research I have done, this causes blood clotting which prevents vital development early in pregnancy. So what do we do? This is the exciting part...I take a total of 6 prescribed vitamins everyday (4 different kinds). I am on Prenatal Vitamins, Folic Acid, B12, and B6. It is his hope that these vitamins will help with my deficiencies and lead us to a healthy pregnancy.

I never thought I would be so excited that there IS something wrong with me. It would have been great if nothing was found but, it would have left us nervous to start trying again. With this diagnosis, I feel like we can move forward with so much more confidence that our next pregnancy will be a healthy one. It's amazing the amount of weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. I haven't been this relieved and relaxed since September. I feel like I am sleeping better, remembering things better, and all around happier just because we know how to proceed with all of this.

I am still heartbroken over the loss of our two babies. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them and this difficult time that we have had to face. But I am so incredibly faithful that God is working His hand in all of this. He knows exactly what is in store for us. And of course, HIS plan is always so much better than what we imagined for ourselves!