I Hurt

I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t understand why the heaviness in my chest is there. All I know is that I’m exhausted. 

After Matt passed, my anxiety was so high. My leg was constantly shaking in attempts to somehow calm my nerves. I slept but I was always tired. I was on edge but I understood why. In the last 45 months, I’ve worked hard at obtaining tools to overcome this anxiety and feel as though I’ve done well at it. There have been times when that panic/anxiety has surfaced again but it is usually short lived and usually accompanied by a trigger. This time, I have no explanation. 

For the last couple of weeks, I have been experiencing a feeling heaviness in my chest. I can feel my heart beating. So rapidly at times that I have considered going to the emergency room just to make sure there isn’t physically wrong with me. Other times it feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. And other times it feels as though I am drowning. 

I know Matt’s birthday is on the horizon. I know Olivia starts kindergarten soon. I know that having Rylan get sick, weighs down. But this is so different and so separate from anything I can see coming down the line. This I can’t articulate. All that comes out when I try is that I miss Matt so much. I feel the most intense loneliness that I could ever imagine. Loneliness so hard to explain. Loneliness that I wouldn’t want anyone to be able to understand. 

There have been days when I feel like I am turning a corner and that the weight I am feeling will be behind me. And then out of nowhere, I can feel it again. What frustrates me is that I don’t understand why. I feel like I have a really good grasp on my emotions and why I have them. I am usually good at articulating my feelings, good or bad, and can explain why I feel certain ways. But this stress and anxiety that I have been experiencing have me so off balance. And grasping to understand it makes me angry. I am so mad that Matt is gone.

I don’t want to socialize. Going to the store or out in public makes me so anxious-much like I felt right after losing Matt. There have been days where even taking a shower has taken so much effort. I feel impatient, teary, and defeated. But despite how I have felt lately, I know what I need to do. I continue to work out because I know how important it is to exercise my body and my mind. I need to be present and involved with my kids even though they wear me down. I need to stay busy. But most importantly, I need to give myself a lot of grace. “Grief is chronic” and it will never go away. I will live with this pain in my heart forever. Some days living will feel possible and sometimes surviving will feel impossible.