The dark thoughts of grief

Grief, and Satan, have a way of placing really awful things in one's mind. Lately I've been thinking about all the negative things it has put in my head. I know a lot of it is Satan. A lot adds to my anxiety. And almost all isn't true. This is a deep and tough place to write from. But because of my belief in honesty and transparency, I feel it necessary. 

I have doubted myself as a wife and companion to Matt many times. I have questioned myself and who I was to Matt. And I have often felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I think this self-doubt stems from the fact that I don't have Matt here to reassure me. It's been 5 months now since Matt passed. And I haven't had his daily compliments for that long. I sometimes think that Matt left because of me. I think to myself that he stopped fighting because he didn't believe in the love I have for him. I doubt myself and wonder if I complimented him enough. Praised him enough for who he was. Expressed my love for him enough. I wonder if he got tired of me teasing him-even though that's what we did. How could he know how much I loved him when even I'm surprised how deep that love is? I think that maybe it's because he knew I'd be tired, get big, and be worn out from being pregnant. I wonder if he left because I wasn't a good enough wife or because I complained about housework. 

While these thoughts seem ridiculous even to me as I write them, they are thoughts that have come to mind since my wonderful husband passed away. There are things I know for certain. First, I know that Matt fought until the very end to stay here. I saw it in him. He's been  competitive his entire life, even up until the very end. I also know that I was a great wife to Matt. It's hard to praise myself but I am certain that Matt knew my heart was his. And I also know he adored me. He also loved watching me grow when I was pregnant with Olivia. He told me often how he thought I glowed and how he never found me more attractive as he did when I became a mom. I have a text saved from Matt from when I was pregnant with Olivia that says, "I honestly think you're more beautiful than ever right now. You're glowing. I don't know. Tough to explain." I know he would love to see me grow with Rylan and he would be SO happy about having a boy. 

These are things I have talked in depth with about to my therapist. I've learned that it's ok to let my mind go there and try and find a way to place blame. However, I have to stop these thoughts before they cycle negatively to panic and anxiety. I've learned that I have to pull apart my thoughts and focus on if they are opinion or fact. If they're just my opinion, I have to focus on what the facts are. And the fact is, Matt would be here, with me, with all of us, if he could be. 

During this month, I've sold our house and our rental house. Jen, my realtor, is someone Matt went to high school with and was great friends with. Because of his passing, Matt's friends have stepped up for me but because of Matt. She got me to this point with my houses. She's grieved with me and reassured me that I'm making the right decision. I'm so thankful for our friendship. 

I've faced so many difficult days since I lost Matt. Staying in our house was a challenge. But moving everything into storage was debilitating. I asked Matt's best friend, Eli, if he would mind getting some guys together to help me out with moving. I expected 3 or 4 to show up and help. But close to 10 guys gave up their Saturday and helped me. I drove to my house that morning and was humbled knowing these guys would be there. And I was, again, proud of Matt. He was true and loyal to so many. And in turn, these wonderful people are now my support. 

Moving day started out being manageable. I do better when there's a task in front of me. Everyone worked so hard. After taking the first truckload to storage, I came back to our house, and walked in to seeing it empty for the first time. I was so overwhelmed with memories. I sat on the floor in our empty great room and cried as I remembered the day we got keys to our house, I remembered the Christmas trees, snuggling on the couch with Matt, watching the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, remembered when Matt's entire plate of spaghetti slipped off his plate onto the coffee table and I laughed so hard. I remember bringing Maci home and wanting to strangle her as a puppy. I thought about when we brought Olivia home from the hospital and us watching her take her first steps. It's hard to focus on the fact that I'll always have those memories when I'm leaving behind such a monumental piece of Matt and me. The rest of the day I cried silent tears. I questioned whether or not I was making the right decision. And my heart felt as though it was breaking leaving our house. 

On our way back to my mom and dad's house, a few of us stopped at the new house to check out the construction progress. We walked through the beginning stage of framing and I was thankful for the timing of selling our house and building the new one. I stood in the master bedroom with great sadness but also peace knowing Matt would be happy with my decision. The smaller house, yard, and being closer to our parents is what I will need. I also know I'd feel isolated being 20-30 minutes from our families and Matt. He's laid to rest in Puyallup and the move will make visiting him so much easier. 

Many ask how they can pray for us. As of today, right now, we need prayers for health. My mom is sick and we are worried about her being around Rylan when he's born. She sees the doctor today so hopefully she starts feeling better soon. And I ask for prayers that Rylan GETS OUT! It is such a tough place of wanting Rylan here so desperately and also wanting to hold onto this pregnancy for as long as possible since I won’t have another baby with Matt.