Valentine's Day and Spring

This time of year is usually a time I enjoy. Actually, any time the seasons change, I find happiness. But leading up to spring is a particular time of year that I love. It means that the flowers will bloom, the tress will be vibrant, the days get longer, there's Easter, my birthday, and our anniversary. This year brings a much different feeling.

Matt left us 4 months ago. Leading up to this point, I have felt even more worn out than I have in the previous months. I also knew Valentine's Day would come and the next day I would be facing this-4 months since Matt passed. 

Valentine's Day has never been a big deal in our relationship. Matt was really good about making me feel special and loved day to day. I never felt like I needed a holiday to know how he felt. However, this year, I found myself anxious and angry about Valentine's Day. I wanted to avoid it. My dad offered to take my mom and I out to a nice dinner. And I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home with Olivia and pretend like it was any other day. I woke up with my heart feeling heavier than most days. I went and got Matt some flowers and a balloon. I sat next to him at the cemetery on a cardboard box and had a donut and coffee. In previous years, that's something we would do. We would get up, grab some coffee and some pastries, and go on a walk or a drive together. As I sat at the cemetery, I felt the immense loneliness. 

During my time with Matt yesterday, I talked to him about some our past Valentine's Days. The year Olivia was born, we made a nice dinner at home. We had lobster tails, steaks, wine, the works. I set the table with candles in our dining room and we ate off our China. The best part was that we were both in our pajamas admiring our one month old daughter. Matt looked at Olivia at one point and said, "eewwww! What's in her nose?!? Dani! Get it!" I looked at her to see the biggest booger coming out of her nose and we both laughed hysterically. 

In the last month, my mental capacity has reached its limit. I was brutally faced with the fact that I couldn't add one more thing to my plate. And yet, everyday seemed to bring something new. I experienced my first panic attack at MOPS in front of a large group of women. While I was extremely embarrassed, I also knew these women are there to support me. They want to love me and pray for me. They quickly stepped up and helped clean our rental house and current house because I can't do it. I've learned coping tools through therapy for how to stop a panic attack but also find myself coming close to them often. I'm learning that I can't solve everyone's problems and that its ok to say no. I've learned I can't be in public alone. I need someone there to be my buffer and protection. I've gone out alone only a couple times and I can feel my anxiety rise quickly. 

I have learned that grief is also a time of self-discovery. It's painful and awful and really hard. But I'm learning about myself things I never knew before. I am learning because I know I can't sit stagnant in life. I have to try and make the steps that are necessary to move forward. To me, it's meant selling both our houses, buying a new one, and trying to move ahead. By no means does this mean I am forgetting Matt. In fact, every decision I make, I think of how he would approach it. Matt was never one to just sit around and let life pass him by. He did things. Matt's life involved fairness, productivity, and motivation. I am trying to carry those characteristics out so that Olivia and Rylan can see and feel what their dad is like. 

One of the many things I loved about Matt was his ambition and zest to live life. We've all heard people say "life is short," "live each day like it's your last," and so on. I catch myself telling people those things. And I truly mean them. Matt had dreams. He had a bucket list which I recently found while packing our house. It seems like there can always be an excuse for not marking those items off that list. He would often tell me that we only get one chance at life. Enjoy it. Live it. I will say, Matt did live fully in his short 33 years. He experienced things and didn't forget the big moments or the little ones. 

Matt also knew that the minor stresses in life don't matter. I called Matt many times just to get his perspective. One time in particular, while planning our wedding, I had received the paper to make our invitations. When I opened the package, the nice pink I was expecting turned out to be highlighter pink. So bright. I crashed under the stress of planning a wedding and called Matt, crying. I can see him sitting at his desk at work, with a smirk on his face as I explained to him what was going on. He simply said "can you order more paper?" To which I said I could. And he said, "ok then, order more paper."

He had this approach about many, many situations. When the laundry was overflowing, when I got a speeding ticket, when Maci came running through the house with muddy paws...Matt always pointed out that life is too short. "Let's do the laundry together while we watch TV tonight"..."I believe you that you weren't speeding. Not a big deal. It's not worth being upset"..."she's a dog. She gets muddy. We can always have the carpets cleaned." I have been trying to adopt this approach, especially with Olivia. Life is too short to get upset over little things. 

I've found myself pulling back from the world. I notice that I am isolating. I become worried that I am upsetting and frustrating my family and friends. There's a reason, in my head, that I do this. I am broken. I feel like no one can relate to me. Matt's passing is always on my mind. I can carry on conversations and not talk about him. But it hurts so badly when he's not mentioned. I've heard people say they're afraid to talk about Matt to me. I know there's a fear of making it worse. Or causing more pain. I'll be the first to tell you, the pain can't get worse. I want to and need to know he's still thought of.

I've appreciated so much that people continue to reach out. I often feel overcome with loneliness. Everyone's lives continue to move forward. While I am doing my best to take steps to finding a way to live without Matt, it is incredibly hard. Everywhere I go and everything I do, brings a memory to my mind about Matt.