We went to the doctor full of excitement, joy, anticipation. It took 8.5 long months to get pregnant and there we were, finally seeing our tiny peanut for the first time. Only that never happened...instead my doctor informed me that the baby stopped growing. Everything else was there except our precious baby.
I remember trying to leave the doctor and feeling like I wanted to yell out crying but needing to be quiet because of the other patients. I remember my legs feeling like jello and wondered how I'd make it to the parking lot. I remember the look on Matt's face. His strength while he hurt so badly.
The days after the appointment didn't get easier. I quickly had surgery and had to figure out how to grieve a major loss. The depression and anxiety for months after was so great. I wanted to run away but knew good things had to come from it. Unfortunately, things got worse before they got better. Seven weeks later I had another miscarriage at home, my hCG levels began rising when they should have been dropping, I faced risk of a tubal pregnancy, and we had to wait 3 months before trying again. The weight of everything Matt and I face was so heavy and so hard to deal with.
Looking back I know there are only a few reasons why I made it through such a trying time. The biggest reason is my faith. I knew I couldn't endure such heartache without turning it over to God. I also have an amazing husband who shared the heartache with me and helped me through it. Sometimes all he had to do was hug me and let me cry. I also have a family who rallied around me. I still remember the way some of them held me and it brings tears to my eyes. I remember how my sister, my mom, and Matt's dad all hugged me like they've never hugged me before. Without saying anything, I knew their hearts were breaking but they were strong when I couldn't be. I also got through it because of my friends. I've always known I have great friends but this experience really showed me who they are.
The reason I kept fighting through all the pain is I knew God wouldn't have given me the deep desire to be a mom without fulfilling that desire. When my due date in April came around, I thought I'd be pregnant. I thought a new baby on the way would ease the pain. Instead I had to mourn the loss of our baby and know that good things were coming my way.
And good things definitely came. We got the green light from my doctor and after just two months of trying, we got a positive pregnancy test. My pregnancy has been nothing but wonderful. Even my doctor told me, "for someone who struggled so hard to get here, you have sure made it look easy."
Now here we are, 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Matt and I are so excited and thankful for her. Pregnancy is an amazing miracle. There's a precious little baby growing inside me. She's been carefully made exactly how God wants her to be. And even though there were times when it seemed like we would never be at this point, God knew exactly His plan for Matt, me, and our daughter.
I find myself welling up with tears sometimes. Different moments throughout my pregnancy are really impactful. Like when I first started working on her nursery, I sat on the floor with tears in my eyes. I envisioned all the late nights, poopy diapers, and hours spent rocking her. Or feeling her kick...it's been one of my favorite things about being pregnant. It's like she's reminding me "Mom, I'm here and I'm healthy." But I especially loved the first time Matt was able to feel her move. And it was just a few days ago. Driving in the car I told him she was really moving and he quickly put his hand on my belly. She didn't take long to show Daddy her moves and he felt her. He was amazed at the fact that it was HER moving and not just me making my stomach jump.
So despite all the heartache and pain we went through, I wouldn't ask to trade any of it. I know it was all part of God's plan in bringing us our daughter. And I know because of what we went through, it will make Matt and I better parents. I've learned to be so thankful for our journey and all that was involved. Thankful because it brought Matt and I so much closer together, to God, and to our baby.
We look forward with great joy to what January will bring. We can't wait to meet her, hold her, hug her, and tell her to her sweet face just how much we love her!
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