The last several weeks have been extremely hard. I've been to the doctor countless times, put on medications, and emotionally on a roller coaster that I can't wait to get off.
The last round of medicine was supposed to get all my organs working in sync so that we could start trying for a baby again. Once I finished the medication, I was to wait for my period and then go see my doctor. Monday, I thought it had started. By Tuesday morning, it had stopped. I decided to take a pregnancy test because my doctor wanted me to always take one before starting ovulation medication. It came out positive. I thought it was impossible. I thought it was either a false positive, hormones still from my last miscarriage, or another miscarriage.
I went to the doctor yesterday morning for the next round of ovulation medication. I wasn't going to tell him about the positive pregnancy test but at the last minute I decided I should. The nurse left and went to do a test. I sat in the exam room and prayed for God to take control. I said over and over "I'm not worried..." Then my doctor came in with a big smile on his face pointing to a piece of paper that said "positive." I asked him how I could be pregnant if there was bleeding. He explained to me that most women have some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy and without cramping or heaving bleeding, there are more positives than negatives in our favor. He seemed optimistic and excited that this was going to work.
He sent me for blood work to check my hCG levels. I was told to go back within 48 hours to see where they are at. If they haven't doubled, there's chance of miscarriage. Except, I didn't even get to that point before miscarrying on my own. I will spare the details but, last night was one of the most traumatizing and heart breaking moments of my life. I never thought I'd have a miscarriage. And I never DREAMED I'd have two miscarriages in less than two months of each other.
I don't know where we go from here. I have a feeling my doctor will want me to see a specialist. I feel as though the odds were against this baby and me. I don't think my body had completely healed from the last miscarriage when I got pregnant. I don't think my body was strong enough yet to be pregnant. I believe I can get and STAY pregnant with the assistance of my doctor (and with a LOT of faith in God).
I still go tomorrow to see where my hCG levels are. The nurse said some women experience what I did last night and still have healthy pregnancies. But she said it isn't promising.
I'm full of sadness, anger, and fear. All feelings that I know are sinful because I'm not trusting God's plan. I don't know what I need from anyone except I do know I need prayers. Prayers of healing and prayers that lead us to answers.
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