Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart.

It's been 3 weeks since this nightmare started. And every bit of my body aches the same, if not more, as it did when it all began. While I can't adequately express my feelings right now, I do want to acknowledge the kindness I see around me. Someday I'll be able to blog about this whole ordeal. But right now all that would come out would be anger, bitterness, heartache, and loss. 

Over the last three weeks, I've heard from people that I haven't talked to in years. I've been contacted by complete strangers. From the minute people found out we were in the hospital, kindness started to come our way. I wish I could thank each of you individually but the task would be close to impossible. 

People have stepped up and cared for Olivia when I simply can't. They've made it so she remains unaware of the life changing around her. They keep it so Olivia doesn't see me crying as that just upsets her. They've fed her, bathed her, played with her, and continued to make her world go round. 

I've received so many cards, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, and posts. While I may not be able to respond to each one, I have appreciated each and every one of them. Every word that has been spoken, written, prayed, or thought of have meant something special to me. I know everyone's lives continue to move forward and for you to take even just a moment to send a card or text, is so meaningful. 

I've received flowers, care packages, and baskets full of treats. I've had neighbors and family taking care of our yard, cleaning our house, taking out our garbage, and tending the cat while I continue to stay with my mom and dad because I can't seem to make it home yet. 

And every single day, even while we were in the hospital, people have stepped up and provided meals for my family. We are grateful each and everyday. The last thing any of us want to do is cook or run to the grocery store and for everyone to remove that stress has been so wonderful. 

I don't know that I'll be able to express my gratitude for the financial donations everyone has contributed. When Eli first told me he wanted to set up an account, I was apprehensive. Within 3 hours, the initial goal on the website had been met. Because of the generosity from so many of you, I was able to put Matt to rest in a way that I feel he would have been pleased with. At 33 and 29, we never talked about our wishes for when we passed. I had to think of what Matt would've wanted. Because of the fund, I didn't have to worry about where the money would come from to do so. I try my best to not look too far ahead, or to stress about finances, but it's a very real part of all of this. Prior to Matt passing, I didn't work much at all. Matt worked hard to provide a life so I could stay home with our babies. I know that someday I'll be returning to work, but I have so much to process before I am ready. Because of the You Caring website and the kindness from so many, I am able to greive in my own space without having to work right now.

I also recognize that people have put their lives on hold, cancelled things of importance to them, and come to be with myself and family during this time. They've flown in from other states, missed work, and come to provide a distraction and a shoulder to cry on. 

I carry a huge amount of pain right now. So much so that my body physically shows the grief. I see it in my pale skin, dark circles under my eyes, and slumped shoulders. There's a pain in my heart that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I believe though, that Matt is continuing to take take care of Olivia, Baby, and me. And he's doing so because of the village that surrounds me. I feel him every time someone reaches out in any way. He wants his family cared for. And you're all doing that since he can't anymore.

Thank you for your support. Not just now, but in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. I know I'm surrounded by love and care. And I know I wouldn't be able to do any of this without all of you.  

Healthy Baby, Happy Momma

Today has been wonderful. Given my history of miscarriages, I was able to have an early ultrasound done this morning. Matt, Olivia, and I all went to the imaging place. I have been extremely nervous since finding out I am pregnant. I guess I keep waiting for the worst to happen. I keep imaging that a pregnancy can't go smoothly for me and that it has to be hard before we are blessed with a baby in our arms. But this time around, that's not the case. Over the last few weeks I think I have tried to deny the fact that I am pregnant. Not because I don't want to be, because I REALLY do. But, I thought if I denied it to myself, and anything was wrong, maybe I wouldn't connect to this baby and it would just be easier if there were problems. However, that isn't the case. I find myself waking up in the morning with a smile on my face knowing there is a life growing inside me. A little being that I love so deeply and already can't imagine our lives without him/her.

Throughout the ultrasound this morning, I kept looking for anything that would signal a problem. When I first saw the gestational sac, I was unable to see the baby. But once the tech switched ultrasound methods and stopped taking the necessary measurements, we could see that little tiny baby and his/her beautiful heart flickering away. Baby measures at 5mm right now and it's heartbeat is 113. It is truly amazing that technology allows us to see something so small and yet it has impacted me so greatly. 

Baby at 6 weeks 4 days
Heartbeat: 113
Size: 5mm

Olivia continues to keep me busy...what toddler doesn't?!? She is talking SO much. At her 18 month appointment, her pediatrician was impressed that she knows WAY over 25 words, knows signs, and that she is forming two word sentences like "Momma shoes," "Dada truck," etc. She is so smart sometimes it baffles me. Like when she wants to see something on Grandma's phone and she hands Grandma her glasses because she knows Grandma needs them in order to see the phone. Or how she says "motorcycle" so clearly and knows the sound of one driving by without seeing it. 

Olivia-18 months

I think Olivia is going to be a great big sister. I know life is about to get more busy, messy, and I am going to be even more tired. But that is what my life is all about...my husband, my babies, my family. I feel so very blessed.

At Daddy's work after we told him Olivia is going to be a BIG SISTER!

I just love her cheesy smile!

Happy 1st Birthday, Olivia Grace

How is it possible!?! My sweet Olivia is one.

Everyone says that time goes too quickly. I tried by best to slow it down over the last year but it didn't work. I can't imagine my life without her.

This past year has been the most rewarding and fulfilling year I have ever experienced. My life feels more complete than it ever has. And it is all because of Olivia.

Leading up to her birthday was extremely emotional. I am embarrassed to say that I have cried almost every time someone has asked me how Olivia is. I cried at the store when I bought her birthday card. But looking ahead at all she will experience and learn makes me really excited. I have been on a roller coaster with my emotions because I don't want her to grow up yet I look forward to it.

I know I am not the first mom to feel this way. Seeing your kids grow is hard but also so rewarding. When I think back to my first days with her I miss it so much. And then she crawls into my lap, says "Dada" when I am trying to coax her to say "Mama," and she leans her head on me as if to give me a kiss, and I can't help but tear up because it is so beautiful. She has a love inside her that no one taught her. A love that she was born with. And it is amazing to see her show that affection. Even if it's something as silly as "kissing" her books. It's so sweet.

When I think about all that took place during this last year, I have a hard time believing it has only been a year! A baby changes so much in just 12 months. And not only did Olivia change, but I did as well. I have learned that I am much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. I have learned that there was much more time during the day before she was born. I have learned I don't need as much sleep as I thought or that the house doesn't need to be as clean as I want.

On Friday, Olivia's actual birthday, we spent the day at St. Clare Hospital with my mom and dad. My dad had his intrathecal pump and catheter replaced (for his chronic back pain). We went to keep my dad's mind occupied and to keep my mom company while he had surgery. Although a hospital isn't the most exciting place to spend a 1st birthday, there is no way we would have missed it.

"I'm 1!"
Waiting at the hospital

Keeping Papa warm before surgery.

On Saturday, we celebrated Olivia's birthday with a Winter ONEderland! It was a great time spending time with friends and family and seeing how much Olivia is loved.

Olivia's Winter Onederland

Papa Larry with the kids

Olivia really didn't care about her cake. She was more concerned with all the people watching her.

One spoiled little girl!

Olivia wearing some of her new clothes.

Crazy Uncle Andy and Noelle. 

Papa Mark surprised us and came to her party! One day after surgery! 

Grandma Val and Papa Larry. 

Aunt Katie, "Muffin" Kash, and Uncle Josh

I nursed Olivia for the last time last night. It is a very bittersweet feeling. I know deep down it was time to be done. But it is a chapter that I am sad to see close. I told Matt that he needed to decide when it was time to be done nursing because it was a decision that I just couldn't make. 

What an emotional couple of weeks though! It's no wonder I haven't been sleeping well. Knowing my dad was having surgery, that Olivia was turning one, and that I would be done nursing soon has kept my mind very busy. I am hopeful for my dad's pain level. I think this surgery is going to lead to some much needed relief. And now that Olivia's birthday is over and the anticipation has settled, I can think and see a little more clearly. Thankfully Matt is extremely patient with me and lets me tear up when I think about all that is changing with Olivia. 

Happy 1st Birthday, Olivia. You are the light of my world. I am so blessed to be your mommy.

Time needs to slow down

My cell phone often runs out of storage. I take too many pictures. And 99% of them are Olivia. When I get that dreaded message that I am almost out of storage, I am forced to sit at the computer and delete pictures from my phone once I know they are safely stored on the computer. Precious pictures. Precious memories.

As I sit here now, I realize how much Olivia has changed lately. I sit here with tears in my eyes. Lately I  have had a strange struggle with missing her being in my belly, missing her being so tiny, but loving how much fun she is lately. How did she become almost 7 months old? How is possible that my little baby is scooting her way all over the house? How does she have two teeth?

I would say in the last two months I have seen the biggest changes in her. She laughs at things she finds funny. She used to laugh at people being overly silly. Now she finds Maci's craziness hilarious. Or certain interactions with Mom and Dad she gets good belly giggles out of. She can sit unsupported, she can play independently, she eats more and more solid foods, and she SCOOTS!

I don't know how I am going to keep watching her grow without missing so many things. I miss being pregnant. I miss those nights where I just laid in bed and thought about what she would be like. I miss feeling her hiccups and her kicks. I miss the evenings sitting on the couch with Matt and watching my belly move and contort. We would sit and watch it and wonder what she was doing and which limb it was.

I also miss when she was just a squishy newborn. When she would just be content to sleep on my chest (she still is but I know it is important for her to be in her crib). I miss the 6 weeks after she was born when I was forced to take it easy. When I didn't have to worry about her morning nap and making sure I got my workout in while she sleeps.

And while I miss so much that has happened in the last 7 months, I also love everything that has happened. I have loved seeing her change from that squishy newborn into a plump baby. Into a truly happy and content baby. A baby that can sit on the floor and watch Maci play all day and be perfectly entertained. 

I dreaded the day I would have to introduce solids because I thought it would mean she didn't need me anymore. But it has been hilarious and fulfilling to see her experience new flavors and textures through food. She hates apples and bananas. She loves sweet potatoes and peas. 

Everyone says your kids grow up too fast. Every time I hear that, I make a mental note to soak it all in. Even the moments when there is so much poop everywhere that you can't imagine her ever being clean, the nights when she just wants to be awake (even though she's happy), the moments when you know she won't have clean pajamas unless you finally do laundry, or the moments when she only wants mom. It is easy to find frustration during those times. But I quickly remind myself that I will long for those times again-and often I do! And yes, time does go too quickly. I wish she was a baby longer. But I know she is transforming into a little girl that I will be so proud of. A little girl that has the heart of so many and is loved more than she will ever know.

Kash helping babysit. Covered Olivia with all her toys.

Sitting like a big girl. I love her little neck and big head.

Her great-grandpa

Her Papa. She is so blessed to have amazing grandparents on both sides of the family. 

With her Daddy on his birthday. 

The face of a rested baby! She slept 11 hours straight!

Happy 1st Birthday, Angel Baby!

April 17th...our first baby would be turning one.

I'm blessed to have carried that baby even if it was for a short time. My heart still hurts thinking about losing him/her. I think of that baby often and how drastically my life was impacted by someone that never breathed a breath on Earth. I am sometimes saddened by the loss. But I am also so thankful. Without that loss, I wouldn't be holding Olivia right now. And now, Olivia has a special Gurdian Angel watching over her.

Yesterday I overheard Matt and Olivia having a "conversation." I wish I could have captured it on video. Those are the moments I want to cherish forever. My two loves getting to know each other...so sweet.

Olivia is the light of my life. Her gummy smile makes my heart soar. Yesterday she rolled for the first time! She needed a little help getting her arm in the right position but she's close to figuring it out on her own. When she was first born, I wanted her to stay little forever. People told me every stage gets better and better. And boy were thery right. She's starting to show her personality and it's so fun watching her figure out this great big world.

Olivia learning to play-discovering colors, patterns, animals, and music

Laying in Mom and Dad's bed.

I think Maci really loves "her" baby.

Matt's favorite time of day. Coming home from work and snuggling with his little girl.

There's no better way to wake up in the morning. 

So even though today is sad because of the loss of our first baby, I am so full of joy because it brought me here...a life with Olivia.

Happy 1st Birthday to my special Angel!

Being a mom...life's greatest blessing

As I have said before, I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved kids and I felt fairly confident that I would be pretty good at it. But I never knew how being a mom would make me feel complete. I also feel like motherly insticts play a big role. When I first thought about bringing Olivia home, I wondered how I would know what she needed but I am amazed that I just know. Of course there have been times when she is fussy and I can't get her to stop. But in general, it just takes me picking her up and holding her or filling her hungry tummy. It brings me so much happiness knowing that she relies on me and I CAN provide what she needs. (Matt too).

I am one of those women that LOVED being pregnant. I loved knowing life was growing inside me. I even loved giving birth. I have already told Matt that I can't wait to be pregnant again and that I would give birth everyday if I could (ok, maybe I'm just nuts-and no, we aren't having another anytime soon). I just feel like God created me to be a mom. I think that's why my two miscarriages were so tough. Looking back at the pain I felt from them, it makes more sense than it ever did. I knew I wanted this in my life but I didn't know how truly satisified I would feel until I met Olivia. And now, her little self holds an extra special place in my heart. When I am tired, not showered, and the house is a mess, I have been brought to tears looking at her. I cry because she is exactly what Matt and I fought so hard for. She is the reason we didn't give up on having a family.

Prior to having Olivia, I heard from many people that having a baby would change my world and that life would never be the same. And those people were right! However, it changed in good ways. I think when a lot of people say those things, they make it out to be bad or negative. Or maybe that's just my misunderstanding. Having a baby has brought more joy into my heart. Olivia has taught me so much in her short (almost) 6 weeks in my life. She has shown me how deep my love is. She has taught me that I don't need sleep like I thought I did and that sometimes waking up 7 times in the night is truly wonderful. She has made me slow down and let the house get messy. She's made me smile when she smiles and cry when she cries. She has also made my relationships with God, Matt, family, and friends stronger.

I try not to say "I can't wait for..." because I know someday I will miss this part. Instead, I try to say "I look forward to..." I look forward to Olivia sleeping through the night but I CAN wait for it to happen. I know time will move too quickly and I will miss the nighttime feedings between just her and me. And I will miss the times when all it takes to comfort her is the sound of my voice or the feeling of my skin.

Now it's time for me to go lay on the floor with her and see her smile as I tell her how much Matt and I love her.

17 hours of labor...totally worth it.

January 11, 2014

It's currently 7:15AM. And while it isn't that early, I know I should be sleeping because we fell asleep around 5:00. But here I am, wide awake. In awe of all that surrounds me. Running off love and adrenaline. Matt, Olivia, and I are still at the hospital and should be able to go home today.

I think back to just a few days ago. I was still working, running, errands, and walking my neighborhood trying to help Olivia get here faster. I wasn't incredibly uncomfortable or in dire need to have her. I just wanted to meet her. I wanted to start being her mom with her in my arms instead of my belly. That very night, things started to change.

I started noticing contractions around 8:00 Wednesday night. Nothing major. In fact, I wasn't even sure they were contractions. I went to bed and kept having them while I slept but still noticed them. By midnight, I started timing them and by 1:00 AM, I had woken Matt to tell him that my contractions were five minutes apart. I called the nurse in Labor and Delivery to give her an update and see what I should do. She suggested a warm bath and to keep timing them and when they got a little closer and more intense, to come in. Matt and I got to the hospital around 4:30 AM with my contractions holding steady at about 5 minutes apart. The only problem, I was only dilated to 2cm.

They kept me at the hospital for about 4 hours while they decided if they wanted to admit me or not. Matt and I walked the halls, I sat on the birth ball, and I took a long bath. They finally decided to send me home with an injection in my butt and instructions to "try and sleep and come back when my labor got worse." I was bummed. Fortunately, the injection knocked me out and I was able to get a little bit of sleep at home before labor really started.

I think it was around 10:30 AM when things really made a change. My contractions were closer and much more intense. I didn't want to go back to the hospital in fear that they would just send me home again. But I also knew the time was coming. After a while of contracting at home, taking another bath, and vomiting from the pain, Matt told me to get back in the truck. The drive back to the hospital was like something you would see in the movies. My seat reclined, feet on the dash, holding onto the handle in back, contractions barely over 2 minutes apart while Matt drove like a maniac to get me to the hospital.

Throughout my pregnancy, I kept saying I wanted to try and have Olivia naturally and without an epidural. But my mind was changed as we drove to the hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it without one. When we checked into the hospital, I was in so much pain that Matt tells me the woman trying to check me in was yelling down the hall to get me a room right away. I was already dilated to 6cm!

We got into my Labor and Delivery room and that's when things for me moved in slow motion. I kept having contractions every 2.5-3 minutes and had to wait for the anesthesiologist to come out of a C-section so I could get my epidural. Finally, she came. Matt was forced to hold me still while I continued to contract so that I wouldn't move while she gave me the epidural. Once I had it, I was checked again...8cm.

Family came to see us, I continued to have contractions (now without pain), they broke my water, and we just waited for the nurse to say when my doctor wanted me to start pushing. Around 5:30 PM, I was told it was time.

I thought the epidural would mean I couldn't feel anything and that they would have to tell me to push. Luckily, I was able to tell when I had the urge and I was able to feel the pressure as Olivia made her way into this world.

Roughly 45 minutes after I started pushing, at 6:16 PM, I heard everyone's excitement start to peak. I opened my eyes and for the first time I was seeing my baby. The one we have waited to meet for so long. She was so beautiful. I never knew I could love so much until that moment. I thought my pregnancy was incredible. I thought I knew how much I loved her while she was in my tummy, but I really had no idea until I laid eyes on her for the first time.

The last 30+ hours have been amazing. I've seen moments of such beautiful, heartfelt, and wonderful love. Olivia has an amazing family and friends. I've fallen so in love with Matt. Seeing him as the father of my daughter is such a beautiful thing. And learning to be her mom is the greatest blessing.