It has been 1461 days without Matt. Part of me expected that after this much time, I would know what to expect or how to brace myself for the impact of today. Turns out I was wrong.
The start of my trauma begins on October 11th when Matt first went to the hospital. Over the course of the 4 days that follow, I find myself reliving all the events and details of what it was like to lose him. Some of this is very intentional. And the other part isn't.
The intentional part is rereading my Facebook posts from this time 4 years ago. I read all the posts, I read the comments, I relive the prayers and feel the hope. And then I let myself feel the anger that comes with grief. I get mad that God didn't hear our prayers. I get mad that Matt wasn't saved. The reason I do this is because I want to remember all of Matt. I believe he is worth remembering the good and the bad. I think it is important to sit in anger and sadness and confusion because these emotions are all very much a part of the process of grief. Supressing those feelings wouldn't be healthy. Pretending I'm at peace or have understanding with all of this would be a lie.
The unintentioal part of reliving losing Matt is the part that makes me emotinal and anxious. I can't control the thoughts I have. I can't sit in my feelings and then shut them off when it's too hard. It's unknowingly checking the clock and having the thought "4 years ago right now..." and then reliving what was happening. It's hearing the conversations between the doctors and nurses, it's hearing our cries, it's smelling the smells. And then I am exhausted. Absolutely worn out before it is even time to walk Olivia to school in the morning.
On the 12th this year, I had to run to the mall to exchange my phone and get the kids some new pajamas. Very minor errands. Yet I found myself with extreme anxiouness in my chest. I had to practice breathing techniques that my therapist taught me. Then on the 14th, I needed to have a leak repaired in my tire and grab a couple things at Costco. When the tire guy told me it would take 3 hours to fix my tire, I lost it. I couldn't even comprehend going in and shopping for groceries. I had to go home, make lunch, and nap because my emotional tank was completely empty.
And this morning, as I have for the last 4 years, my internal clock woke me just minutes before Matt's offical time of passing. 5:55 AM.
I have spoken openly about the importance of therapy. I believe it is a vital and that everyone could benefit from it. Over the last few days, I see even more why therapy is instrumental in how I cope with losing Matt. I am able to seperate and compartmentalize. I am able to be intentional. I am able to breathe. If I didn't have these tools, I would crumble even more from the trauma of losing Matt.
Trauma is sneaky. Trauma is hard. Trauma effects us even when we aren't aware as to why.
Oh sweetie. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and tell you it's going to be alright. But I can't and I won't say those words. That's not necessary. You grieve; let yourself cry. I've cried today too. Remember David's words in Psalm 23. "Though I walk through the valley of death, you are with me." We pass through the valley. We don't stay there.
ReplyDeleteYou have made great choices, are raising your children to love Jesus, and following God's plan for your life. You are special. Love, Aunt Janet