Lately I have been experiencing loneliness like I have never felt before. The last 17 months have provided so many distractions that I haven't had time to focus on the fact that I am lonely. I have moved in with my mom and dad, helped plan and arrange Matt's memorial service and burial, sold two houses, bought a house, moved again, had a baby, attended countless meetings with attorneys, I've enrolled Olivia in swimming lessons and gymnastics, I have exercised, I have unpacked and decorated our house, and the list goes on and on. Now that we have settled into a groove, I find that my heart aches for my companion in a way that I haven't missed him before.
This feeling of loneliness isn't like a breakup or Matt being away on business. It isn't like I am away on vacation and he's at home. It's a feeling that almost seems tangible. Almost like I can touch it. I can't call him up when the solitude is too heavy. I can't send him a text and let him know I am thinking of him. I can simply write on his Facebook page and feel as though it somehow reaches him. I can visit him at his grave and talk to him out loud like he's next to me.
I know I have friends and family around to help me when I feel alone. I know they would drop everything and come sit with me in the evenings. And I appreciate them so much for always being willing to help in any way that they can. But the loneliness has been following me wherever I go. I miss my "good morning sunshine" texts that Matt would always send, I miss the check-ins throughout the day to see how Olivia and I were doing, I miss him asking me to iron his pants or inquiring about what was for dinner. I miss having
my person that I knew I could turn to no matter what it was I wanted to talk about. And I miss having someone to parent and raise Olivia and Rylan with.
With these deep and dark feelings of being alone, I have realized a lot. I embrace all the emotions, highs, and lows that come with losing Matt. I don't run away from them and I don't pretend they aren't there. I know that riding out these lows will eventually push me towards better days. I know I
have to feel lonely. And it isn't a bad thing. I can learn who I really am and what I really want while using this time to self-reflect and make myself better. I have learned I can be independent and alone, I can feel lonely, I can be sad, and that it will all make me better for my future. I would bring Matt back in an instant if I could. But over the last 17 months I have changed my view on having someone in my life. I have learned that I am much more capable than I ever gave myself credit for. And having someone isn't a necessity but an
added bonus. Matt was my added bonus. He was a HUGE and wonderful added bonus. And to say I miss him doesn't even come close to touching how much my heart longs for him to be here.
I know Matt is with me wherever I go and I know he has been showing me his presence more lately since I have been feeling this way. We celebrated family birthdays at his childhood home last weekend. After dinner, gifts, and dessert, his family and I went downstairs to Matt's old room. His mom converted the bedroom into a playroom for the kids. We sat on the floor and watched Olivia and Rylan play and I could
feel Matt. It was such an overwhelmingly sad and wonderful feeling. I could see him smiling with us. I could feel his happiness as we played with the kids. I know, without a doubt, that Matt was there with us that night. I know he made sure I could feel him there.
Last night was another time when I knew Matt was showing me that he is still with me. When we were building our house in Graham, we would frequently drive out to the neighborhood and see the progress. We were there one warm, almost-spring evening and the frogs were croaking so loudly. We stopped and talked to our soon-to-be new neighbors, Amy and Karl. We looked at our future home and commented about how loud the frogs were. Living with our house backing up to a pond, we heard those frogs every spring and summer while living there. They were tiny little frogs. In the summer, when Matt would mow our lawn, he would watch them scurry away as he approached with the mower. Sometimes they ended up in our house, they were often hanging out on the front door, and in the evenings they lulled us to sleep. When I moved from Graham to Puyallup, I knew I was leaving behind a lot, including those frogs. This is my first spring in the new house. When I got home last night and was getting the kids out of the car, I heard frogs. Olivia took notice too and asked where they were. I told her it was her daddy and told her that he loved the frogs at our old house.
I have also taken the last few weeks to really reflect and appreciate my kids. Olivia had a sleepover at Grandma Val and Papa Larry's recently and I really missed her. With just Rylan and me in the house, it was so quiet. Almost
too quiet. I have realized that they are both such a tremendous blessing in my life. With the quiet came the feelings of loneliness and darkness that are depressing. Olivia talks a
LOT, but I know this constant chatter is there to help distract me from the sadness that is always in my heart. They keep me busy and distracted in a positive way. They make me laugh, and cry, but ultimately bring me so much joy. Olivia recently told me that she wanted to go in the clouds with her daddy and that her daddy is her boyfriend. The simplistic mind that a three year old has teaches me so much. I don't need to figure out all the perfect ways to explain to her that her daddy is gone. I don't need to stress about her future and how this will impact her life. For now, her daddy being her boyfriend makes her happy.
