Anger. It's something that's hard to talk about. At least it is for me. But it is a huge part of my life. I'm angry. Everyday. But I also suppress my anger because it's ugly and makes me feel weak.
I'm angry that this is my life. I'm angry at Matt. I'm angry at the woman in the car next to me driving with her husband. I'm angry with the hospital. I'm angry that we had a big yard that Matt was mowing when this started. I'm angry at myself for not being home when it happened. I'm angry at the people on TV that portray life that is without heartache. I'm angry for my children. That Olivia and Rylan don't get to be raised by their dad. But really, I'm angry at God. Like, really really angry. And it's not fair to take out my anger on anyone else because no one had control over this. But I'm grasping at anything and everything to place blame.
It's hard to open up about my faith right now. But I know I need to. I need to so that my friends and family who are believers know how to pray. I need to for the people in my life who are on the fence or non-believers. I need them to know that despite the immense pain, my faith is strong. And that I believe God is good. Beneath my anger and beneath my resentment towards God, I do believe that He loves me and that He is faithful.
I've always been able to pray. I've gone to God with concerns, for healing, with gratitude. I've talked to Him and trusted Him. But since losing Matt, I have a very hard time praying. The Bible says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us" (1 John 5:14) and it says "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."(James 5:16) What I don't understand is why. Why did, literally, thousands of people, from all around the world, pray for God to save Matt and He didn't? If God is the Ultimate Healer, why didn't He heal Matt? Why didn't He hear me? I spent 4 days in the hospital where all I did was pray. Over and over I prayed. Believing that what I asked for in prayer would be heard.
I recently thought I could handle an overnight away from my mom and dad's. I thought I could get out of my comfort zone and have a fun night away with my mom, Olivia, and Rylan. But as the day went on, my anxiety heightened. A day that should have had nothing to do with Matt, suddenly had everything to do with Matt. As I drove us home late that night, my anger was high. My whole life was taken from me. When I lost Matt, I also lost everything I was capable of. The things I used to be able to do easily, now take a tremendous amount of forethought and work. And the things that were tough before are now impossible.
I don't know how to rid the horrible feelings I carry and how to turn back to God. I guess it's why I diligently attend therapy every week. It is why I love the gym I am a part of. Because it is a safe, healthy place for me to vent my anger. It's why I write this blog. It's why I'm open and honest about all this. This journey, this life, is far bigger than me. I can't do it alone. And now, when I can't turn to God, I know I have my village to help me. I know God is big enough to handle my anger. And I know that He knows my heart. He knows that despite my anger, I'm still a strong believer. And while I have hundreds of questions that may never get answered, I know God is where I'll find my peace.
I also know that God has blessed my life in many ways. And I see those blessings everyday since losing Matt. I see it in the eyes of my children. I see the blessings of my parents for taking in the craziness of two kids, myself, and a dog. For allowing us to take over their home with tons of toys, clothes, diapers, smudged windows, and overflowing furniture. I see it in mine and Matt's families. In our friends. I see the blessing of Matt. How hard he worked to provide for our family. I know he is continuing to provide. I see it every time I look at the YouCaring website. I see it on the days when it is sunny and warm because it helps me remember that Matt loves the outdoors. I see it when it rains because it helps me to slow down and process my grief. I see the blessings all around me. But the blessings also hurt because I am not sharing them with Matt.
I also know that God has blessed my life in many ways. And I see those blessings everyday since losing Matt. I see it in the eyes of my children. I see the blessings of my parents for taking in the craziness of two kids, myself, and a dog. For allowing us to take over their home with tons of toys, clothes, diapers, smudged windows, and overflowing furniture. I see it in mine and Matt's families. In our friends. I see the blessing of Matt. How hard he worked to provide for our family. I know he is continuing to provide. I see it every time I look at the YouCaring website. I see it on the days when it is sunny and warm because it helps me remember that Matt loves the outdoors. I see it when it rains because it helps me to slow down and process my grief. I see the blessings all around me. But the blessings also hurt because I am not sharing them with Matt.
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