A lot changes in two months

Two months have passed since we lost Matt. It seems like just yesterday I was holding his hand and kissing him while I said goodbye. But it also seems like an eternity has gone by. It's been a long two months. Sometimes the minutes seem like they aren't moving. I still can't put into words all that we went through during the four days we were in the hospital. I just keep reliving it all in my mind. I have flashbacks often. I see Matt in that hospital room. I hear his ventilator. I smell the smells. It's all a nightmare. 

Since Matt died, everything in my life has changed. I continue to live at my mom and dad's house. It is the only normalcy and stability I have right now. Friends and family have invited me over or asked to do things with them. And I find I can't even leave my mom and dad's house without having anxiety. I need to be in my safe place which is here, in my childhood home. It isn't because I don't want to be out, doing fun things, or spending time with people. It is simply that I can't. I can't sleep alone which means my dad has graciously given up his bed so my mom can be with me. I've been home only a handful of times but only for short periods. I feel Matt there. But I also know that he's never going to be there again so it always feel empty. I've had to make really big decisions without the support of Matt beside me. I've had to sort through finances which is always something Matt took care of. I've had to force myself out of bed everyday so that I could go through another day hoping to make Matt proud. I've cried everyday since October 11th. 

If I had a platform, there's a few things I'd love for everyone to learn from my tragedy. I hope no one ever finds themselves in this situation, but if you do, I hope my heartache makes your lives a little bit easier. 

1: Hug, kiss, and say 'I love you' with intention and meaning. 

-The last time I'll ever hear those words spoken to me by Matt will be in the emergency room. He looked so deep in my eyes like he wanted me to know the very deepest part of his heart as he told me he loved me over and over. 

2: Get life insurance.
-We kept putting it off. We talked about it but never did it. DO IT! So many of us are so young and don't want to pay for something that we think we won't ever use. But you may find yourself in the situation where you need it. Have it for the sake of your loved ones. For your children. For your spouse. 

3: Assign beneficiaries on your 401K, stock, life insurance, banks, houses, cars, etc, etc. 
-Getting everything in order with finances, bank accounts, houses, and everything else, is a huge undertaking. But assigning a beneficiary can make things a little easier. Hiring a probate lawyer isn't where I want to spend a few thousand dollars. Unfortunately, it is necessary. 

4: Communicate with your spouse, family, whoever, about your finances.

-Or have everything in one place. One bank, one folder, etc. 

5: Be an organ donor. 
-It's a huge blessing. 

6: Have a will

7: Talk about your wishes for when you pass.

-We never discussed it. Whether or not we would want a casket, cremation, funeral, wake, memorial service...why would we? We're only 33 and 29. But talk about it. They are decisions that are so hard for your family to make should you pass. Incredibly difficult for them to flip through a binder and pick out the best casket for you. But knowing what you'd want can take away some pain. Take away the guessing. 

8: Don't say "there's nothing worse than..." 
-Because someone around you could be struggling with something. They could have heartache deeper than you could ever imagine. Be sensitive when you are out in public. True kindness can go a long ways. 

9: Don't be afraid to get counseling. 

-It doesn't mean you're weak. It might mean you're facing a situation bigger than yourself. 

10: Ask for help. 

-In whatever way it is. Prayers, physical help, emotional help, spiritual help. 

11: Be present with the ones you love. 
-Put away your phones, turn off the TV, and just "be." Listen when they speak.

12: You marry your in-laws. Each and every one of them  

-Let me expand on this a little. I've never had a strained or forced relationship with the Larimores. I've always felt like I belonged in their family. And like I said at Matt's service, I believe that's because of the love Matt showed me. However, I know not everyone is as blessed as I am when it comes to the family they've married in to. In fact, I've heard people say you don't marry the family, just the person. And I completely disagree. I think it is really important to establish relationships with the family of the person you married. We have been faced with a LOT since Matt died. And it is because of the love and support from my family that I have made it through. And when I say "my family," I mean my family who are near and far, I mean each and every one of Matt's family members, and I mean our friends. We have had to make decisions about what to do with Matt after he passed, about his Memorial Service, we've had to pick caskets, memorial markers, burial plots...the list can go on and on and on. But the one thing that has remained constant and stable is that we have communicated well and we have loved each other fiercely. I pray no one ever ends up here, but if you do, it can only make things a little easier if you are all on the same page. 

Not a minute has passed in the last two months that I haven't thought of Matt. Sometimes when I cry, all I can say is just how much I miss Matt. But "missing" him isn't the same as it used to be when he was away on a work trip or something. I long for him. I want his arms around me. I want his presence to fill my soul. I want to hear his laugh. I want to text him or call him and get a response. I just want him here.