This last month took me to a place that I wasn't expecting. I was faced with a situation that I wasn't prepared for. A tough situation that I had to navigate without preparation or processing.
The night of June 21st was a ladies night that has been in the works for quite some time. The kids, my mom, myself, and Matt's mom headed to a friend's house for dinner and a 4th of July craft. After being there for a while, I noticed my mom talking on her phone. She was shaking, panicked, asking the person on the other end, "where are they taking him?" I didn't know what was going on but I knew we had to leave. I started grabbing the kids, as many of our belongings, and told Val we needed to go. When my mom got off the phone, she filled us in that my dad had gone to get Pho for dinner and "passed out." He was being taken to the ER by ambulance.
The short drive to the hospital is a blur. I tried talking myself through what I was about to experience. I wanted to be there with my mom, for my mom. But I haven't been in this sort of situation since Matt was there. Since losing him, I have only gone to the hospital to give birth to Rylan. And preparing for his birth took hours and hours of therapy to work through the stress and anxiety of being in a hospital. As I drove, I kept telling myself that this wasn't about me. This wasn't Matt again. This was about supporting my parents. Val and my mom both kept telling me I didn't have to go. I worked out the logistics of the kids with Val as we drove. She dropped my mom and me off in front of the ER...just as my mom had done when I got the call about Matt.
I walked into the emergency room on trembling legs with a nauseous stomach. My mom held onto me, both of us frightened. It was too much the same. My mom went to the desk and said we were there for my dad. They told us he hadn't arrived yet but they would let us know when he was there and in a room. At that moment, my body felt completely uncontrollable. I was sobbing, shaking, and having flashbacks of that horrible day with Matt. My mom told me to go outside until my dad got there. I paced the front sidewalk countless times. I called Alyssa, Matt's cousin, and told her over and over, "I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can be here."
The moment finally came for us to go see my dad. We walked through the double doors and my mom was walking beside me, holding me. I can't remember what she was saying but I kept telling her, "it's ok...his room was to the right. It was room 9. We aren't going that way." All of a sudden, we ended up walking right past Matt's room. My mom had to push me along as I was unable to control my thoughts or feelings while I relived some of the worst moments of my life. We got to my dad's room, the paramedics, doctors, nurses all surrounding him. It was like seeing Matt there all over again. I retraced my steps, my movements, without even trying. Everything was the same. From how and where I put my purse down. To the paramedics talking closely and quietly to us.
I called my brother and sister and filled them in on what we knew. It wasn't much but I knew what I was seeing wasn't normal. My dad wasn't right. Dazed, confused, lethargic, and no short-term memory. When he was asked what month it was, after much thought and deliberation, he said guess December. We speculated a stroke. We were fearful of long-term damage. Before long, my entire family was together. We talked with the doctors about any changes in the last few days that could have led us to this point with my dad.
If you don't know this about my dad, he lives with chronic back pain. Because of this, he has a spinal stimulator and an intrathecal pump. After much thinking and discussing, we discovered that the new amount of medication in my dad's pump was actually too much leading to symptoms of overdose. He stayed overnight and was discharged the next afternoon. We took him to see his pain management doctor to have his medication adjusted.
Thankfully my dad is alright. Thankfully the overdose was a simple fix. Thankfully I live close to Matt's parents so they could step in and help with Olivia and Rylan. So much to be thankful for. I am able to look back at that experience with gratitude. I knew at some point I would end up in the emergency room for one reason or another. I knew at some point I would have to relive my experience with Matt. I knew this would test me and push me and break me. Not just me, but my entire family. We all felt the memories and trauma of our own experiences from losing Matt. I am proud of myself for facing such a hard situation. I could have chosen to go home and wait for updates from my mom. But I knew, deep down, I could handle it. Therapy has shaped me and strengthened me. I have talked about my fears related to the hospital so many times. I used the tools taught to me in therapy to help me. I did it. We did it.
I am beyond proud of how we all came together to love and support each other. We, as a family, have grown closer and stronger because of Matt. We have become closer to Matt's parents because of his passing. We have come closer to our village of friends who step in to check on us and help with anything we might need. Thankful, proud, grateful. Relieved.
(Thank you, Laura, for your help with Winnie!)
