I woke up really irritable today. I feel crabby and agitated. And I know exactly why. It's the 15th. By now, I should have spent time reflecting and processing so that I can blog what I have experienced this last month. But I haven't yet. I knew in order to write today that I would have to dig into my feelings and emotions. I've grieved Matt. Ask my dad. He saw me in a meltdown on Monday because of it. But I haven't sat and processed much and frankly, I just didn't want to. I have 5 different blogs started right now. Each one containing only a paragraph or two. None of them feel right yet to post. So today, I will see what comes out in words. While this process never ends, while it's a daily and exhausting road, sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes my thoughts are so heavy and consuming that I find it difficult to actually articulate what I am feeling. And that's how it is today.
We are on "Survivor Benefits" because of Matt. I hate that label. Yuck. But because of these benefits, I am able to stay home with Olivia and Rylan. Something I am incredibly grateful to Matt for. I recently got a letter from social security that was really vague but that stated I needed to come into the office before March 21st. Today was probably a bad day to choose since it's the 15th and my emotions are heightened. But we went. Between meals, swimming lessons, ballet, my workouts, therapy, etc, it's a challenge to find the "perfect" time to devote to social security. My kids still nap. Naps are precious in my house. I need them to nap as much as they need to nap. This morning Olivia had ballet so we went straight afterward. Close to two and a half hours later, we were done. And for what? For the agent to tell me that Rylan needed his own savings account. Really?!? They called us in for that?? A letter wouldn't have been sufficient? The lobby was packed full of crabby people. No one wanted to be there, especially on a beautifully sunny day. Not an empty chair either. Which meant the 3 of us sat on the floor. Also, there were signs everywhere say "No food or beverages. Not even water." It felt like some sort of torture facility. Depriving us of even the most basic needs like water. Add in a 4-year-old and (almost) 2 year old...ugh.
The point to all this is that even after 29 months, dealing with his passing is still a daily task. Not only does it require emotional sorting, it requires my time and effort. I had no idea that death meant so much work. That sounds really bitter. I am thankful for our Survivor Benefits. And really, social security could have made this whole thing so much easier for me. Regardless, it was still something I had to do because of losing Matt. But the list doesn't end yet. There are always things to do. I am constantly jumping through hoops. Whether its health insurance, finances, the IRS, his personal possessions, or events/situations I am faced with, there are always emotions and things to do to prepare for.
The next few weeks bring a lot of celebrations which also brings a lot of sadness. We celebrate a lot of family birthdays this month: Matt's dad, his brother, Rylan, and mine. Rylan will be two. April brings Matt and my anniversary. A day that fills me with dread. I know I haven't devoted enough time to process what is ahead. I know I need to sit and actually think about it and let myself be sad. But for now, I am going to escape my reality, shake off the terrible time at Social Security, and watch Ellen while the kids are sleeping.
