The Littlest Larimore: August 2017

I ache for my children. I hurt that they will never know their dad the way they should. I am incredibly sad to think of all the memories, milestones, and day to days that Matt isn't a part of. Missing Matt as a dad is another component of grief that is hard to delve into.

When Matt passed, Olivia was 21 months old. During that time, I saw him change. I remember telling Matt I was pregnant. It was after 9 months of trying, two miscarriages, two D&Cs, and so many tears. When I finally got a positive pregnancy test, we both breathed a small sigh of relief but still knew we were on a road with a lot of caution signs before we could fully relax. The minute I told Matt I was pregnant with our third pregnancy, I saw him change in a different way.

Matt always worked hard. He was committed to his career and was incredibly successful. Knowing he had a baby coming into our home changed his focus. And although he rarely talked about work, I could feel the change. The entire time I was pregnant, Matt was in tune with all that was about to change. Some of those changes made him squirm while others he was thrilled for. He heard from his best friend, Eli, the joys and the horrors of parenting. More often than not, Matt was so excited about starting a family.

I remember Matt during labor and delivery. He was calm. He was patient. He was encouraging and kind. Which shouldn't be any surprise since that's how he approached so much of his life. I remember he kept asking if I was ok. And finally, I calmly said to him, "Matt, I'm in labor. I'm ok but stop asking me that." The second Matt laid eyes on Olivia his life changed forever. He looked at me in a new way from then on. He adored her. He instantly fell completely in love with her.

Matt was a really good dad. I'll be honest, I was a little nervous about whether or not Matt would have that natural instinct to be a dad. But 9 times out of 10, he did.

One of my favorite memories of Matt as a dad was when we were going to spend the day at his mom and dad's beach house. He wanted to know how he could help and I asked if he could pack up some food for Olivia. I suggested he make half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Later that day, we were at the beach and I was getting out Olivia's lunch. When I pulled her sandwich out of the fridge, I saw that he had made half of a sandwich as I suggested but he didn't cut the piece of bread in half and piece it together. Instead, Matt spread peanut butter and jelly on a whole piece of bread and stuck it open-faced in a Ziplock bag. I laughed so hard when finding his attempts. I loved knowing I could tease him about it and it wouldn't hurt his feelings or make him feel inadequate. He kept saying "you told me to make half a sandwich so I did." Which, he was right. He had made half.

Another time Matt had me cracking up was when we went to Point Defiance for a walk and took Maci to the dog park. When we were unloading the car, I asked him if Olivia needed her diaper changed. He stuck a couple fingers in her diaper "to check" and quickly realized that his hand was covered in poop. I laughed as I tried to help him clean up his hand and explain there are better ways to check if a diaper is dirty.

All in all, Matt was a really great dad. He saw when I needed a break. He knew how to make Olivia laugh. He danced with her often and always pointed out the moon. I never felt like I was parenting alone. We were a team before we had kids and an even stronger team after.

I wanted kids for a really long time and our road to have them wasn't the easiest. I say this because I never want to complain about being a mom.. I know how many people struggle and are never successful. I know there are many people who never get to experience parenthood or who have great loss and heartache because of kids. But it's also easy to see just how hard raising kids really is. I think the phase I'm in with Olivia and Rylan is particularly hard. The other day I had just enough time to clean the kitchen and put away toys while they napped. My hope was to have the floors picked up so I could run the vacuum when they woke up. Instead, they woke up while I was still putting away laundry. And by the time I was done, I came to realize all the work had been undone and I couldn't vacuum until things were picked up again. It's a constant song of "Mom, watch" (Olivia) and "ooook!" (look-Rylan)... It's the never ending request for snacks and the feeling of always standing in the kitchen. It's the constant diapers that need changing and the bottoms that need wiping-both seem to happen at the same time. I try and tell myself that someday I'll miss this phase. Someday I'll wish they were this young...but right now, it's incredibly hard.

I hear quite often, "I don't know how you do it." I take this as a compliment because I hope it appears as though I've got it together. The reality is, I have no other choice. I have no time to think about all that's involved with raising Olivia and Rylan by myself. It's certainly exhausting and incredibly hard. But it's also rewarding and fun. Being a mom is what I was born to do. They need me as much as I need them. I want them to look back someday and be proud that I'm their mom.. I want them to tell me someday that they know Matt would be pleased at the job I've done. I want them to know their dad because of how readily and how often we talk about him. And I want them to confidently feel the love he has for both of them.

I've officially been a single parent longer than I parented with Matt. This milestone is hard for me. I didn't have Matt here long as a dad. But the time that I did have him, I immediately saw how amazing he was at it. Part of me doesn't know any different. I still confide in Matt with all my parenting decisions. I talked to him about where and when to send Olivia for preschool. I have sat in Rylan's room late in the night, rocking him to sleep, and asking Matt to please help Rylan calm down so we can go to bed. I have gone weekly to the cemetery and shared stories with Matt about the kids and cried to him when it has been overwhelming. But I have also never been a co-parent with both kids. Matt never met Rylan. A reality that feels like a punch to the stomach every time I think about it. Much of me knows that I've done this on my own. But I long for Matt to walk through the door and say "go take a shower. I'll finish feeding them dinner." Or, "go have an evening with your friends. I'll get the kids to bed." Looking through pictures to add to this blog is therapeutic and painful at the same time. I have so many pictures of Matt and Olivia. But those memories abruptly end. I have tons of pictures but they will never be enough.