This summer has been busy already.
Vegas, Chicago, family coming to visit, birthdays, ball games, the list goes
on. It's all been so fun. And it's all brought pain.
Vacations are always fun. It's a
chance to escape reality, see new things, and make memories. I'd been planning
my trip to Vegas with Matt's cousin, Alyssa, for over 5 months. We talked
everyday about it. What we would do, what we would wear, and how much fun we
were going to have. And we had a blast. However, the morning we were
leaving, I ached with grief. This is a feeling I've had in the past when coming
home from vacations. The planning is over, the anticipation gone, the
excitement left only in our memories, and time to return to normal life. I
missed my kids so much. I was ready to actually sleep. But I also wanted to go
home to Matt and tell him all about our amazing time. I wanted to sit on the
couch with him, show him pictures, and share with him that hilarity of our
stories.
Nine days in Chicago was fulfilling
and exhausting at the same time. Traveling with kids is a lot of work. I keep
Olivia and Rylan on a pretty regimented schedule. Vacation means that schedule
is gone, sleep is minimal, and patience is thin. Both kids did great. I was
proud of how they handled everything. But so often, I often felt like I needed
extra arms. I'm always grateful for my parents and all they do to help with
them. And during our trip, daily, my extended family saw where help was needed
and stepped in to provide.
I think I will go the rest of my life
doing things like vacations and baseball games and think to myself "Matt
should be here." He should have been part of our 4th of July. He should
have been at Wrigley watching the Cubs. He should have been swimming every
morning with Olivia, Rylan, and me. He would have loved seeing Olivia become braver
by the day as she loved jumping into the pool. There are so many memories
with Matt that I cherish. There's 15 years of history that I am thankful for.
But there's also so much heartache in the things Matt should be a
part of. The song "You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindell comes to mind
so often. Matt should be here today as Olivia plays in her first tball game. He
should be here when Rylan has learned to climb on the kitchen counter. He
should be here for his mom's birthday. There is something everyday that makes me think Matt should be here.
There is also the constant battle with "why Matt?" I struggle with being able to find peace with such a huge question. I will never have the answer as to why Matt was taken from us at such a young age in such an abrupt and tragic way. In just a few days, Matt would have been 35 years old. We will celebrate his birthday much like we did last year. Leading up to his birthday was so overwhelming for myself and our families. We were so afraid of the pain that would come with his day. But we were pleasantly surprised by how things went. Not only did I get keys for my new house that day, a physical sign that Matt was coming with me on a new journey, but our moods were light. Of course there was the constant ache that followed us. That never leaves. But Matt's birthday was truly a celebration. We gathered and laughed and remembered the beautiful life he had. We didn't focus on his passing or the tragedy that goes along with it. We chose not to. And this year will be the same.
