18 months is such a huge anniversary for
some reason. I've felt this feeling before. Disbelief, shock, and denial that
Matt is really gone. And then another 6 months passed and I'm still feeling the
same way.
This last month has made me realize, again, how
many great people I have in my life. When Matt first passed, there was an
outpouring of love and support. People came from near and far to be there for
myself and our families. It was humbling. And as time has passed, I still feel
that same love and support. Our wedding anniversary was one of those days. I dreaded
opening my eyes that morning. I can still remember waking up on our wedding day
7 years ago. Living at home still, having a sleepover with my best friends, and
waking up knowing I was finally marrying Matt. This year the feelings were
obviously incredibly different. My heart was heavy. I decided to keep my normal
Monday schedule and go to the gym where I was surprised right away by
thoughtfulness from some friends from my MOPS group. Girls at the gym that I don't
know well, went out of their comfort zones to acknowledge my pain but let me
know they think of me and support me. And as the day continued on, I was
showered with gifts and messages of love. These gestures from my friends and
family showed me that Matt is not forgotten. It showed me that people recognize
that grief never goes away. It meant so much to be thought of by so many.
One thing I've learned this last month
is just how much this has affected my body. I've struggled with losing the baby
weight since having Rylan. And while many people tell me I look great, I'm not
where I want to be. I have goals and they aren't being reached no matter what I
do. It's been frustrating. I decided to see a new doctor. In short, she
confirmed that stress and hormones are playing a huge role in my inability to
lose this weight. It was eye opening to talk to her. I've said before that
losing Matt has impacted every area of my life. But what shocked me the most is
when my doctor checked how my eyes dilate and looked inside my ears. She could
tell by the flicker in my eyes and the color inside my ears that I have a lot
of stress. I sat in the exam room sobbing. While I feel like I manage my stress
well, my body is still fighting hard to get through this. My blood pressure
when I was sitting vs standing was another indicator that I'm stressed. My body
is in defense mode. Wondering when the next attack will come. At Matt's
graveside service, Pastor talked about giving ourselves grace during this
process. Once again, I was reminded of this message. My body is a work in
progress and it deserves grace. It's been through a lot in the last 18 months.
I don't feel like I have anything profound to write about this month. Nothing has been weighing on me more than normal. I guess that's a good thing. Grief is like that. It has highs, lows, and is sometimes flat. And lately it's been flat. I leave for New York this coming week with my mom and aunt to go visit my cousin, Meg. I am so excited for a change of scenery. I look forward to having adult time with these wonderful women. There is also an element of fear and anxiety with leaving my kids as I travel across the country. Matt's parents will be with them and I know they will have a fun, and exhausting, time. I know my fears and anxieties would be the same even if Matt was here. Figuring out what are normal feelings compared to feelings that are specific to losing Matt is a constant battle.
Another holiday is on the horizon. Another gathering of family that Matt won't be a part of. We push through, keeping the traditions and celebrate with aching hearts. Matt loved his time with family. I know he would love Easter this year. Olivia and Rylan are at an age where we can start doing things that impact their memories of these occasions. Olivia is running around the house right now with a little basket talking about the Easter bunny. We will color eggs tonight, go to church tomorrow, look for eggs, and be in the presence of those we love the most. And once again, there will be a void in our hearts and at our table because Matt isn't here to share it with us.
