Time needs to slow down

My cell phone often runs out of storage. I take too many pictures. And 99% of them are Olivia. When I get that dreaded message that I am almost out of storage, I am forced to sit at the computer and delete pictures from my phone once I know they are safely stored on the computer. Precious pictures. Precious memories.

As I sit here now, I realize how much Olivia has changed lately. I sit here with tears in my eyes. Lately I  have had a strange struggle with missing her being in my belly, missing her being so tiny, but loving how much fun she is lately. How did she become almost 7 months old? How is possible that my little baby is scooting her way all over the house? How does she have two teeth?

I would say in the last two months I have seen the biggest changes in her. She laughs at things she finds funny. She used to laugh at people being overly silly. Now she finds Maci's craziness hilarious. Or certain interactions with Mom and Dad she gets good belly giggles out of. She can sit unsupported, she can play independently, she eats more and more solid foods, and she SCOOTS!

I don't know how I am going to keep watching her grow without missing so many things. I miss being pregnant. I miss those nights where I just laid in bed and thought about what she would be like. I miss feeling her hiccups and her kicks. I miss the evenings sitting on the couch with Matt and watching my belly move and contort. We would sit and watch it and wonder what she was doing and which limb it was.

I also miss when she was just a squishy newborn. When she would just be content to sleep on my chest (she still is but I know it is important for her to be in her crib). I miss the 6 weeks after she was born when I was forced to take it easy. When I didn't have to worry about her morning nap and making sure I got my workout in while she sleeps.

And while I miss so much that has happened in the last 7 months, I also love everything that has happened. I have loved seeing her change from that squishy newborn into a plump baby. Into a truly happy and content baby. A baby that can sit on the floor and watch Maci play all day and be perfectly entertained. 

I dreaded the day I would have to introduce solids because I thought it would mean she didn't need me anymore. But it has been hilarious and fulfilling to see her experience new flavors and textures through food. She hates apples and bananas. She loves sweet potatoes and peas. 

Everyone says your kids grow up too fast. Every time I hear that, I make a mental note to soak it all in. Even the moments when there is so much poop everywhere that you can't imagine her ever being clean, the nights when she just wants to be awake (even though she's happy), the moments when you know she won't have clean pajamas unless you finally do laundry, or the moments when she only wants mom. It is easy to find frustration during those times. But I quickly remind myself that I will long for those times again-and often I do! And yes, time does go too quickly. I wish she was a baby longer. But I know she is transforming into a little girl that I will be so proud of. A little girl that has the heart of so many and is loved more than she will ever know.

Kash helping babysit. Covered Olivia with all her toys.

Sitting like a big girl. I love her little neck and big head.

Her great-grandpa

Her Papa. She is so blessed to have amazing grandparents on both sides of the family. 

With her Daddy on his birthday. 

The face of a rested baby! She slept 11 hours straight!

Happy 1st Birthday, Angel Baby!

April 17th...our first baby would be turning one.

I'm blessed to have carried that baby even if it was for a short time. My heart still hurts thinking about losing him/her. I think of that baby often and how drastically my life was impacted by someone that never breathed a breath on Earth. I am sometimes saddened by the loss. But I am also so thankful. Without that loss, I wouldn't be holding Olivia right now. And now, Olivia has a special Gurdian Angel watching over her.

Yesterday I overheard Matt and Olivia having a "conversation." I wish I could have captured it on video. Those are the moments I want to cherish forever. My two loves getting to know each other...so sweet.

Olivia is the light of my life. Her gummy smile makes my heart soar. Yesterday she rolled for the first time! She needed a little help getting her arm in the right position but she's close to figuring it out on her own. When she was first born, I wanted her to stay little forever. People told me every stage gets better and better. And boy were thery right. She's starting to show her personality and it's so fun watching her figure out this great big world.

Olivia learning to play-discovering colors, patterns, animals, and music

Laying in Mom and Dad's bed.

I think Maci really loves "her" baby.

Matt's favorite time of day. Coming home from work and snuggling with his little girl.

There's no better way to wake up in the morning. 

So even though today is sad because of the loss of our first baby, I am so full of joy because it brought me here...a life with Olivia.

Happy 1st Birthday to my special Angel!

Being a mom...life's greatest blessing

As I have said before, I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved kids and I felt fairly confident that I would be pretty good at it. But I never knew how being a mom would make me feel complete. I also feel like motherly insticts play a big role. When I first thought about bringing Olivia home, I wondered how I would know what she needed but I am amazed that I just know. Of course there have been times when she is fussy and I can't get her to stop. But in general, it just takes me picking her up and holding her or filling her hungry tummy. It brings me so much happiness knowing that she relies on me and I CAN provide what she needs. (Matt too).

I am one of those women that LOVED being pregnant. I loved knowing life was growing inside me. I even loved giving birth. I have already told Matt that I can't wait to be pregnant again and that I would give birth everyday if I could (ok, maybe I'm just nuts-and no, we aren't having another anytime soon). I just feel like God created me to be a mom. I think that's why my two miscarriages were so tough. Looking back at the pain I felt from them, it makes more sense than it ever did. I knew I wanted this in my life but I didn't know how truly satisified I would feel until I met Olivia. And now, her little self holds an extra special place in my heart. When I am tired, not showered, and the house is a mess, I have been brought to tears looking at her. I cry because she is exactly what Matt and I fought so hard for. She is the reason we didn't give up on having a family.

Prior to having Olivia, I heard from many people that having a baby would change my world and that life would never be the same. And those people were right! However, it changed in good ways. I think when a lot of people say those things, they make it out to be bad or negative. Or maybe that's just my misunderstanding. Having a baby has brought more joy into my heart. Olivia has taught me so much in her short (almost) 6 weeks in my life. She has shown me how deep my love is. She has taught me that I don't need sleep like I thought I did and that sometimes waking up 7 times in the night is truly wonderful. She has made me slow down and let the house get messy. She's made me smile when she smiles and cry when she cries. She has also made my relationships with God, Matt, family, and friends stronger.

I try not to say "I can't wait for..." because I know someday I will miss this part. Instead, I try to say "I look forward to..." I look forward to Olivia sleeping through the night but I CAN wait for it to happen. I know time will move too quickly and I will miss the nighttime feedings between just her and me. And I will miss the times when all it takes to comfort her is the sound of my voice or the feeling of my skin.

Now it's time for me to go lay on the floor with her and see her smile as I tell her how much Matt and I love her.

17 hours of labor...totally worth it.

January 11, 2014

It's currently 7:15AM. And while it isn't that early, I know I should be sleeping because we fell asleep around 5:00. But here I am, wide awake. In awe of all that surrounds me. Running off love and adrenaline. Matt, Olivia, and I are still at the hospital and should be able to go home today.

I think back to just a few days ago. I was still working, running, errands, and walking my neighborhood trying to help Olivia get here faster. I wasn't incredibly uncomfortable or in dire need to have her. I just wanted to meet her. I wanted to start being her mom with her in my arms instead of my belly. That very night, things started to change.

I started noticing contractions around 8:00 Wednesday night. Nothing major. In fact, I wasn't even sure they were contractions. I went to bed and kept having them while I slept but still noticed them. By midnight, I started timing them and by 1:00 AM, I had woken Matt to tell him that my contractions were five minutes apart. I called the nurse in Labor and Delivery to give her an update and see what I should do. She suggested a warm bath and to keep timing them and when they got a little closer and more intense, to come in. Matt and I got to the hospital around 4:30 AM with my contractions holding steady at about 5 minutes apart. The only problem, I was only dilated to 2cm.

They kept me at the hospital for about 4 hours while they decided if they wanted to admit me or not. Matt and I walked the halls, I sat on the birth ball, and I took a long bath. They finally decided to send me home with an injection in my butt and instructions to "try and sleep and come back when my labor got worse." I was bummed. Fortunately, the injection knocked me out and I was able to get a little bit of sleep at home before labor really started.

I think it was around 10:30 AM when things really made a change. My contractions were closer and much more intense. I didn't want to go back to the hospital in fear that they would just send me home again. But I also knew the time was coming. After a while of contracting at home, taking another bath, and vomiting from the pain, Matt told me to get back in the truck. The drive back to the hospital was like something you would see in the movies. My seat reclined, feet on the dash, holding onto the handle in back, contractions barely over 2 minutes apart while Matt drove like a maniac to get me to the hospital.

Throughout my pregnancy, I kept saying I wanted to try and have Olivia naturally and without an epidural. But my mind was changed as we drove to the hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it without one. When we checked into the hospital, I was in so much pain that Matt tells me the woman trying to check me in was yelling down the hall to get me a room right away. I was already dilated to 6cm!

We got into my Labor and Delivery room and that's when things for me moved in slow motion. I kept having contractions every 2.5-3 minutes and had to wait for the anesthesiologist to come out of a C-section so I could get my epidural. Finally, she came. Matt was forced to hold me still while I continued to contract so that I wouldn't move while she gave me the epidural. Once I had it, I was checked again...8cm.

Family came to see us, I continued to have contractions (now without pain), they broke my water, and we just waited for the nurse to say when my doctor wanted me to start pushing. Around 5:30 PM, I was told it was time.

I thought the epidural would mean I couldn't feel anything and that they would have to tell me to push. Luckily, I was able to tell when I had the urge and I was able to feel the pressure as Olivia made her way into this world.

Roughly 45 minutes after I started pushing, at 6:16 PM, I heard everyone's excitement start to peak. I opened my eyes and for the first time I was seeing my baby. The one we have waited to meet for so long. She was so beautiful. I never knew I could love so much until that moment. I thought my pregnancy was incredible. I thought I knew how much I loved her while she was in my tummy, but I really had no idea until I laid eyes on her for the first time.

The last 30+ hours have been amazing. I've seen moments of such beautiful, heartfelt, and wonderful love. Olivia has an amazing family and friends. I've fallen so in love with Matt. Seeing him as the father of my daughter is such a beautiful thing. And learning to be her mom is the greatest blessing.