It's too bad there isn't a limit for how much bad stuff can happen to one person or one family. I want so terribly to say "THIS ISN'T FAIR!" while I stomp my feet in anger. I want to yell at God for giving us too much to handle. Isn't there a quote like that? That God won't give us more than we can handle? I think that was made up by someone who didn't quite get it. Because I know for a fact that over the last 3 1/2 years, I have most certainly been dealt more than I can handle. The truth is, God helps us handle what we have been given.
I've said this before that I will never make sense of why Matt passed at 33 years old. Why his cousin, Joe, died tragically at 33 due to a motorcycle accident. I won't be able to wrap my head around why his uncle has spent 18 days in the hospital from a terrible car accident. And why this family keeps getting dealt so much. These are answers I will never have.
The thing I have learned about life is the same cliche stuff we have all heard time and time again. "Life can change in an instant." "Live each day like it's your last." But grasping a statement like this and fully embodying the meaning is so challenging to do. Even as I held Matt as he took his final breath, it is still hard to truly understand just how quickly life can change. And yet, I live it everyday. It is such an odd juggling act.
The last month has been intense. I haven't felt this type of stress since losing Matt. Even then, it was entirely different. People poured into me simply because I had nothing to give. My goal was surviving. Now, 3 1/2 years later, I find myself pouring into everyone else. I find myself spread thin. I find myelf helping and supporting and loving and healing because of what I am giving to others. And even though I am worn out in so many ways, I am also grateful for the chance to be able to give to others even in a small way. I wholeheartedly believe that there is healing in helping. I believe when you can give to others, you are also giving to yourself.
Matt's uncle was recently in a terrible car accident. Not only is Doug Matt's uncle, his daughter (Alyssa) happens to be one of my truest and best friends. This car accident has brought our family to the forefront of yet another tragedy. And we very recently lost Matt's cousin, Joe, in a motorcycle accident. Yet, here we are.
Then there is my dad. The hardest working man I know. The person who doesn't sit still because he is constantly doing and working. But also the person with the most physical pain I have ever known. This destroys me. Recently, my dad had surgery for a torn rotator cuff. A surgery that will lead to relief but for now, is grueling as he recovers. 6 weeks in a sling, no driving, no sleeping. He can't get comfortable. He can't find peace. Which means my mom can't either.
Everyone has their threshold of what their limit is for stress and exhaustion. It looks different for each individual. Taking on too much will simply make things worse. For me, making sure I go to the gym and to therapy are vital for my mental health. I have to have an outlet for the weight of the world that I am carrying right now. I have to find a way to release my pain of losing Matt while still raising two kids alone, caring for my dad, helping with Alyssa's family when it's possible, and also taking care of me.
I know this is a season. I pray a few weeks from now that life will look and feel a lot different. And I pray it is change that is positive. Right now, what hurts me the most is seeing the ones I love more than anything in pain. I hate watching my family suffer in different ways and not being able to take that away for them. It crushes me to not have answers or remedies for making their stresses and worries go away.
GoFundMe-Doug Ferry
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