The Anniversary

I have talked with quite a few people lately that have felt heavy, drained, worn down, etc. A lot say they can't understand why. They are sleeping well, the sunshine feels great, and they feel healthy. They say they are looking forward to spring coming, warmer days, more chances to be outdoors. But they can't make sense of the feeling of being bogged down. I have seen this touched on in a few different places but I wanted to take the opportunity to write about it in a longer fashion. 

A year ago each and every one of us had our lives changed. Whether we began working remotely, suddenly had our kids home full time, or simply had to wear a mask everywhere we went, every single person was affected by COVID-19. Some of us lost jobs and some of us lost loved ones. But we all lost the sense of normalcy that we once knew.

I am familiar with anniversaries of this sort. I know how it feels when October rolls around and I am sluggish and drained no matter what I do. Even after 5 years of experiencing Matt's passing anniversary, I am always caught off guard by how my body physically reacts to time. We don't often associate loss and change as manifesting itself in a physical way but it absolutely does. I noticed that a lot of us started feeling this way when March was suddenly on our calendars. A year ago at this time, there was so much fear and uncertainty. Talk of our lives changing forever was everywhere we went. It consumed us. And then it happened. Our world got shut down to give us the opportunity to "flatten the curve" for a couple weeks. Weeks turned to months, months turned into a year. Where have we gotten in a year? What has changed?

The point of my writing isn't to highlight all that has evolved in research related to COVID-19. I'm not here to talk numbers or tell you which rules to follow. The point of my writing is to simply share a reminder that anniversaries can be hard. Whether we have thought much about it or not, our minds and bodies remember. The type of life-altering change that we all went through a year ago can weigh us down. I don't have the knowledge behind why this happens. What I do have is the (unfortunate) experience with grief anniversaries and how hard they can be. I am using my own experience and my own knowledge to label this March as a grief anniversary. I think it is safe to say that a lot of us are navigating grief related to the pandemic we are currently living in. We are grieving life as we once knew it. Maybe we are looking ahead and not feeling hopeful. Maybe we are still living in fear. Or maybe we haven't given it any thought and are simply trying to figure out why we don't feel ourselves. 

I think it is important to remind ourselves, and each other, about grace. Many of us are struggling emotionally right now. Many of us are shouldering burdens that don't only include this pandemic. It is important to be mindful for each other but also for ourselves. Take breaks where you can. Maybe that means the load of laundry needing to get folded gets put on hold so you can take a nap or read a book. Maybe it means lifting lighter at the gym or slowing your pace. Maybe it means saying no to commitments and saying yes to yourself. 

What I have learned through losing Matt and the life I once had planned for myself is that change is really hard. Whether things change in a positive way or a negative, it is often hard to navigate. We feel like our feet aren't on solid ground. And it is times like this when others need our patience, grace, and understanding. It is times like this when we need to allow that for ourselves. We need to remind ourselves that it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to go to bed early and turn off the news. It is ok to slow down and rest. It is ok struggle.

We are all in this change together. We are all adjusting and adapting. We are all looking at the calendar with some sort of shock and disbelief that a year has passed since the first word of COVID-19 hit our ears. Be patient. Be mindful. Be kind. To each other and to yourself.