New Seasons

Spring is literally just around the corner. I think there are many that can relate to being ready for warmer weather and longer days. The feelings that come with the new season aren't unfamiliar. The excitement along with the ache in my stomach. It isn't new and yet it still catches me off guard.

The first day of spring also marks Rylan's birthday. He turns 3 next week. I look back and I am baffled that he has been in my life for three years. He is learning to ride a trike, just started swimming lessons, and will soon start t-ball. His birthday, specifically, is a big trigger for me. Olivia's is as well but Matt was there for her birth. Rylan doesn't have memories with Matt. The older he gets, the more I am desperate for Matt to be a part of his life. I can't be both a mom and a dad. Naturally, knowing they only have me, it doesn't feel like enough. I over-exhaust myself trying to be everything for Olivia and Rylan. And I still feel as though I fall short.

Today I started the process of registering Olivia for kindergarten. I cannot believe that come September, we will start a new chapter which involves pickups and drop-offs, making school lunches and going on field trips. She is so ready. I am not. I am excited for her in this new adventure. Olivia and I talk about school quite often. I recently noticed that I have to balance how I talk about it with her. My initial response is to tell her how I am going to miss her and how I don't want her to grow up and go to school. Matt would be my balance by telling Olivia how much fun she is going to have. How she is going to meet so many new friends and how great it is going to be. He would level out my emotions by reassuring Olivia and reminding us both that she is going to do great. Without him here, I find that I have to keep my emotions hidden at times so I don't place fear around the topic of school. I am sure she will do great, meet lots of friends, and have so much fun. Matt would be right by telling her those things. But it is also incredibly bittersweet to see my kids grow and gain independence away from me. It is painful to see her change and grow without Matt beside me to see it as well.

This month I turn 33. Matt was 33 when he passed away. I don't want to have a birthday this year. I don't want to acknowledge my age. I don't want to outlive Matt. I think about how young he was. How he had so many dreams and goals. I think of my own aspirations and how I have a "lifetime ahead of me" to accomplish them. But do I? Do any of us? It's a dark place to allow my thoughts to go. But this birthday, this year ahead is a trigger because of the number tied to it.

There is a lot going on in my life. The kids entering new milestones, my birthday coming up, grieving Matt, and dealing with what life keeps throwing my way. It is hard to juggle it all. It is hard to see the people I love the most in pain. I hurt with our families and my friends as they grieve over loved ones, physically hurt, or emotionally struggle with their own issues. I know we all experience the lows of life. We all end up in dark places and wonder when the light will shine again. We will grow in these painful moments. We will pull together and love with more intention and purpose. We will push ahead to see the new season even though it hurts us.