Have the Tough Conversations

I've touched on this subject a little bit before. But with the dust being settled and probate being over, I think it is important to write again about the importance of a plan and having tough conversations.

At the time of Matt's passing, I was 29 and he was 33. We never talked about things like a will or life insurance. I remember standing in Matt's hospital room and thinking to myself that I will never be able to figure it all out. I didn't think I would be able to navigate all the decisions and stress that comes with adulthood and raising a family. I never had to. I went from living with my mom and dad to being married to Matt. He paid the bills, did our taxes, made sure our health insurance policies were current, invested in stocks, and set up retirement funds. He never kept me in the dark but I also didn't focus on these topics because I didn't have to. With his passing, I quickly started learning so much about so many areas that I never thought I would.

One of these unfamiliar territories was probate. If you don't know, as I didn't, probate is the process of making sure a person's estate is given to the appropriate beneficiaries. This is the case when there isn't a will or if beneficiaries aren't assigned. (That's my basic understanding of it anyway). When Matt passed, I wasn't immediately entitled to everything "we" owned because the reality of it was that we weren't on everything together. I had to hire a probate attorney to sort through Matt's estate: our rental house, different accounts, stocks, bank accounts, etc. I had to attend meetings with my attorney and try and give them information that I just didn't have. I started this process and was told it would take 3-4 months to complete it. I was told it would cost a certain amount. In actuality, it took nearly 18 months and over double the estimated cost to get everything in order. Because of Olivia and Rylan, a guardian ad litem had to be involved to make sure that their deserved portions were accounted for and given to them in a way that met requirements.

I also had to decide how Matt would be buried and what type of service we would have for him. This was a team effort as Matt's family and I navigated some really tough decisions. I remember the funeral home asking me if I knew what Matt's wishes were. And I didn't. We never talked about cremation versus burial. We never talked about our preference of cemeteries or songs we would want played at our memorial service. Why would we?

Matt and I didn't have a will or supplemental life insurance. I wasn't assigned as his beneficiary on everything. Why would he think he should call his HR department and make sure things were as they should be? Of course he didn't give much thought to the importance of life insurance. Of course we didn't talk about how we wanted to be buried. These conversations are hard to even imagine. But they are even harder to live.

I have learned so much that I never thought I would need to. I'm certainly not an expert but I have had to navigate through some really hard topics and unfamiliar territories. All of this meant added stress. It meant phone calls and meetings that I had to stumble through because most of the time I didn't know what I was talking about. Grieving the loss of Matt is hard enough but adding in the stress from unfamiliarity, finances, and health care was incredibly daunting. Getting everything settled took so much time, money, and organization.

I know this sounds like a topic written for people of my age and maybe younger. But I can't tell you how many people I have talked to who are twice my age, even older, and still haven't had these discussions. My parents had "Will" written on their white board in their kitchen for longer than I can even believe. It was their reminder to finalize their will. That reminder stayed there so long that it wasn't even looked at anymore. When we lost Matt, it was the push they needed to get their will finalized. It was the push they needed to get life insurance.

Losing Matt has opened doors to conversations that families don't want to have. It has allowed us to talk about what we want when we pass. It has allowed us to talk about life support, organ donations, and memorial services. The easy thing to do is not have these conversations. But the stress that comes from losing someone who doesn't have everything planned, is unimaginable. I don't fault Matt at all for not having these things together. Like I said, why would he? He would've been in the same boat as me had I been the one to pass. We, as a team, as husband and wife, didn't have a grasp on the importance of what would happen should one of us pass. Unfortunately, it has meant me having to figure it all out.

My urge, my plea, is to have these tough conversations. Even if you're not married or in a relationship, do it for your loved ones that would have to piece everything together should something terrible happen. Life is fleeting. At some point, we will all need a plan. Do it now. Have a plan. Tell someone where your plan is. Even if its simply scribbled down on a napkin, make it clear what your wishes are. Get the supplemental life insurance. Assign beneficiaries. Get a will. It might mean an added bill each month to pay for life insurance and it might mean paying a few hundred dollars for a will, but the importance of these are priceless.