New Grief

I wouldn't be a mom without Matt. Mother's Day this year left a bitter taste in my mouth. I didn't want to celebrate. Didn't want to face the day. It's a day that Matt would've made sure was special for me. He wouldn't have let me cook or clean or do anything that I normally do. He would have made his mom feel special too. And he would have made sure we both know how much he appreciates us both.

I felt anger yesterday. Anger that as a mom, I have to experience life without my husband and the father of my children. But I also felt anger for Matt’s mom that I haven’t experienced. I drove to the cemetery to visit Matt yesterday and I as I pulled in, there was a physical ache in my heart. I know how I feel with this void. And I know how I feel about my two babies. What I won’t pretend to understand is what Val (and Larry) must be feeling. They had 33 years with him. 33 Mother’s Days. And while Val will always be Matt’s mom, and while we celebrate her motherhood to both Matt and Justin, having him gone must be excruciating and painful.

Lately I've been spending time grieving our house that I sold in Graham. When Matt passed, I knew right away I couldn't live there without him. I knew being 20 minutes from family would leave me lonely and isolated. I knew it would never feel right to be in that house without him there. I don’t regret selling the house or moving back to Puyallup. I love it here. I love our house and I love the location. But I do ­­miss so much about our house in Graham. I miss the neighborhood and the neighbors, I miss that it was ours, I miss a thousand different things. But lately, as summer is coming, I miss our yard. We had an acre of land, a pond with such amazing wildlife, we had an unobstructed view of Mt. Rainier, and we were slowly making our yard our dream. Matt worked incredibly hard to make it beautiful. He put in a fire pit area that we loved. Mowed it every weekend. He fertilized, watered religiously in the summer, and suffered through his allergies to make sure it was impeccable. 

Fire pit area

The hardest part of selling was leaving behind unfinished dreams. When Matt and I bought our house, he knew right away what he wanted to do in our yard. We talked about “the deck” from day one. And the summer before he passed, that dream started to take shape. I had to leave it unfinished when I moved. I think of what it would be like to have the deck and the yard now. I know the yard would be too much to manage, a huge deciding factor when I contemplated moving. I wish I could have seen it finished. I wish I could have completed our visions.

Our "deck" before

After-we didn't finish the railing we wanted or the stone and fireplace. 

I am constantly amazed at grief. Just when I think I have faced all there is to face, something new surfaces and I am brought back to the beginning and figuring out ways to process the loss of Matt. I had to see my OBGYN recently for a physical. Dr. Majors is a man I trust and admire for many reasons. He has certainly seen me through a lot over the last 7 years. I thought the appointment would be simple without triggers but I quickly discovered how wrong I was. I went into the office and soon realized that the reasons I had seen Dr. Majors before were because of Matt and because of our desires to have a family. I cried when his nurse asked me how I was. And I didn't stop crying until I pulled out of the parking lot. Being there also made me realize how much my heart longs for more children. I didn't get to decide whether or not Matt and I had more babies. It was just taken from me. Along with so much more. I struggled with these same feelings as I packed up baby items to give to Matt's cousin. I want her to have these things that I have found so helpful and useful with my kids. But it also hurts knowing that my baby days are behind me. 

I've talked about the waves, the highs, the lows, that come with grief. Some days it is easier to manage. Other days it feels as heavy as the day Matt passed. But all days have a way of showing me how blessed I am. Mother's Day was no exception. Being with the incredible women in my life and thanking Matt for making me a mom.