Finding Strength

Every month at the gym there is a large chalkboard with a goal it. This month it is about strength. I like this goal because it has given me a chance to reflect on all the reasons I am strong. Countless people have told me they believe I am strong but seeing it for myself is something I am striving to see.

The chalkboard at Vie

During the last 10 months, I have been consumed with grief. I have thought about it and lived it each and every second since losing Matt. I have talked openly and honestly about what it feels like and how it impacts every moment of my days. I have talked about how painful it is to live without my best friend. And I have tried to look at my life and what I have gained from such a tragic loss.

I think this last month has given me the opportunity to sit back and realize all I have accomplished and all the reasons I can say I am proud of myself. It is hard for most of us to be complimentary of ourselves. I know for me, I am often picking myself apart. Looking at my flaws and failures instead of all that I should be proud of.

One of the tools my therapist has asked me to implement into my life is writing down my successes each and everyday. This isn't something I have stuck to daily but it is something I try and do often. She suggests doing this so that a year from now, maybe even a week from now, I can look back and see how I didn't just stay stuck in my grief. She wants me to realize all the ways I have made steps forward in life. She wants me to see that I am doing this and that I am capable. Sometimes my successes are simple. Maybe all I did in a day was feed my kids or get out of bed. Sometimes my successes are huge like facing Matt's birthday or moving into my new house. Regardless of how big or small, they should be noted and celebrated.

I think July and August have been some of the busiest and most accomplished months I have had since losing Matt. July and August have required strength from deep within. Strength I didn't think I had. At the beginning of the month, there was the 4th of July. A holiday that for the last 14 years has been spent with Matt's family. We changed our plans this year and spent it together, but at a different location-my mom and dad's. Then came a trip to Chicago and Iowa City. My first time traveling with both kids (which I couldn't have done without the help from my mom, aunt, and uncle). This likely wasn't a vacation that Matt would have been able to attend because of work. But it did hold a lot of hard moments-moments that I know he would have loved. A Cubs game at Wrigley Field, a wedding, and time spent with family that I haven't seen in a long time.

July also meant celebrating Matt's birthday. I was dreading his birthday. Part of our plans was having a birthday party at the cemetery. As I drove there, I told my parents I didn't want to do it. I envisioned it going similarly to how some of our visits had before. Trying our best to put on a brave face while laughing through tears. But on Matt's birthday, we celebrated him. We sat in the grass, drinking his favorite beers, laughed, cried a little, and felt him through the warm sunshine. Afterwards, we had dinner with the rest of the Larimore family, we swam in Matt's childhood pool, and we sang Happy Birthday to him. When the night was finally over, I was able to sit back and be really proud of how the day went. We wanted his day to be about the life he lived. The laughter he shared with all of us. And the celebration he was having in Heaven.

Olivia, Rylan, Matt, and me. Drinking his one of favorite beers.

Matt's birthday also happened to bring me a gift. I got the keys to our new house. While I didn't actually move in on his birthday, the significance of getting the keys was huge. We spent an entire Saturday moving everything out of storage and into my house. And while it was a huge mess, and actually still is, I'm just so happy that everything is accessible and not stacked and shoved into storage units. The process of unpacking has been tiring and fulfilling all at once. I have had to look at Matt's things again. I have boxes and bags of his clothes that I can't touch yet. I have pictures hidden away because I am not ready to look at them. And my entire upstairs is a huge disaster because I can't sort through the baskets that hold everything from Matt's high school papers to his memorial service. But I go to bed every night feeling accomplished. I am creating a home for our babies. Rylan's room has order, Olivia's room is painted, I have reupholstered an ottoman (while putting a staple into the palm of my hand), I have hung things on the walls, put in dimmer switches, and have even cooked! I have gotten up in the night with the kids and fallen back to sleep without having a panic attack from being alone. I am learning I can be independent and that being alone, and being lonely, isn't always a bad thing.

Getting keys!

A little overwhelmed with the mess

So thankful the help from my family

My kitchen-my favorite place in the house

Most recently, I have been a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. When Ryan proposed to Brittney, it was shortly after Matt had passed. Her emotions were mixed. As my best friend, she was concerned with my feelings but also so happy for this next phase in her life. I was thrilled for her. And honored to stand beside her as her bridesmaid. But I also knew that her wedding would be a challenge for me. I knew that it was a day Matt would have loved to be a part of. During the ceremony, the officiant talked about my friendship with Brittney and how we are more than just friends. He talked about how Ryan knew he wanted to propose to Brittney and that when the tragedy of losing Matt happened, he knew he couldn't wait any longer. Life is short. Moments are precious. And sometimes waiting can't happen anymore.

When I got home from Brittney and Ryan's wedding, the weight of missing Matt was strong. But I was also extremely proud of myself for how I handled the day. I laughed, danced, cried, and had a wonderful time celebrating their new life together. I was overcome with happiness for them. And I was incredibly touched that they included Matt in their special moment. 

Marissa, me, Brittney, Liz

My stunning best friend

Brittney, you are good for my soul

When Matt was passing, I laid with my face on his. I cried over him for many hours. I made promises to him that I will keep forever. But I also asked that he leave me with some of his strength. He is one of the strongest people I have ever known and I knew I would need his help making it without him here. I am thankful for this month's goal at the gym. It has really helped me focus on my successes. So when Vie asks "what makes you feel strong?" I won't answer with "pull-ups or cleans." I will answer with-LIFE. Life makes me feel strong. Because it is hard. And sometimes it REALLY sucks. But deep within is a drive that is bigger than I ever knew I had.