It's been 3 weeks since this nightmare started. And every bit of my body aches the same, if not more, as it did when it all began. While I can't adequately express my feelings right now, I do want to acknowledge the kindness I see around me. Someday I'll be able to blog about this whole ordeal. But right now all that would come out would be anger, bitterness, heartache, and loss.
Over the last three weeks, I've heard from people that I haven't talked to in years. I've been contacted by complete strangers. From the minute people found out we were in the hospital, kindness started to come our way. I wish I could thank each of you individually but the task would be close to impossible.
People have stepped up and cared for Olivia when I simply can't. They've made it so she remains unaware of the life changing around her. They keep it so Olivia doesn't see me crying as that just upsets her. They've fed her, bathed her, played with her, and continued to make her world go round.
I've received so many cards, phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, and posts. While I may not be able to respond to each one, I have appreciated each and every one of them. Every word that has been spoken, written, prayed, or thought of have meant something special to me. I know everyone's lives continue to move forward and for you to take even just a moment to send a card or text, is so meaningful.
I've received flowers, care packages, and baskets full of treats. I've had neighbors and family taking care of our yard, cleaning our house, taking out our garbage, and tending the cat while I continue to stay with my mom and dad because I can't seem to make it home yet.
And every single day, even while we were in the hospital, people have stepped up and provided meals for my family. We are grateful each and everyday. The last thing any of us want to do is cook or run to the grocery store and for everyone to remove that stress has been so wonderful.
I don't know that I'll be able to express my gratitude for the financial donations everyone has contributed. When Eli first told me he wanted to set up an account, I was apprehensive. Within 3 hours, the initial goal on the website had been met. Because of the generosity from so many of you, I was able to put Matt to rest in a way that I feel he would have been pleased with. At 33 and 29, we never talked about our wishes for when we passed. I had to think of what Matt would've wanted. Because of the fund, I didn't have to worry about where the money would come from to do so. I try my best to not look too far ahead, or to stress about finances, but it's a very real part of all of this. Prior to Matt passing, I didn't work much at all. Matt worked hard to provide a life so I could stay home with our babies. I know that someday I'll be returning to work, but I have so much to process before I am ready. Because of the You Caring website and the kindness from so many, I am able to greive in my own space without having to work right now.
I also recognize that people have put their lives on hold, cancelled things of importance to them, and come to be with myself and family during this time. They've flown in from other states, missed work, and come to provide a distraction and a shoulder to cry on.
I carry a huge amount of pain right now. So much so that my body physically shows the grief. I see it in my pale skin, dark circles under my eyes, and slumped shoulders. There's a pain in my heart that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I believe though, that Matt is continuing to take take care of Olivia, Baby, and me. And he's doing so because of the village that surrounds me. I feel him every time someone reaches out in any way. He wants his family cared for. And you're all doing that since he can't anymore.
Thank you for your support. Not just now, but in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. I know I'm surrounded by love and care. And I know I wouldn't be able to do any of this without all of you.
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