My due date

First of all, I am not sure how to say it...today should have been my due date...today is my due date...today was my due date...I think it changes every time I talk about it. No matter how I say it, today was the due date for the first baby I miscarried.

It's hard to believe that almost 8 months have passed since I was given the hardest news of my life...that I had miscarried. And it's also hard to believe that 7 weeks later it happened again. Both miscarriages brought a tremendous amount of pain and heartache, but today's was the only one I carried long enough to get a due date for. I fell so deeply in love with that baby for the 10 weeks I carried it. And it blows my mind how much impact s/he had on so many lives, especially mine, when it never breathed a breath on Earth. I thought Matt and I would be in a different place by now. I thought I would be pregnant by the time my due date rolled around. But that proves to me, again, that is isn't MY time...it's God's time.

I don't know how to feel today. My heart is full of sadness that we aren't about to welcome our baby into the world. But I am also full of hope and joy. I am proud of myself for getting through such a difficult time. No one ever imagines they will miscarry. And I never dreamed I would be strong enough to endure it. But I am. And I can't take the credit for it. I got through all of this because of faith. I prayed because I didn't have answers. I prayed when all I could do was cry. And I prayed that God would get me through this. And He has done exactly that. God also put an incredible man by my side to walk through this journey with me. He also gave me friends and family that held me up, prayed for me, and cried with me.

About a month ago we were given the "green light" to start trying to get pregnant again. We didn't have success the first month but I am optimistic that our time is coming soon. It's exciting to know that my doctor feels my body is ready to start trying again. But it is also very scary going into this again after everything we have been through.

I recently held a 1-week-old baby. I thought I would melt into a puddle of tears after holding him. His due date was just a few weeks before mine so I thought it would be really hard meeting him. But, I felt like he helped in my healing process. I felt so blessed to hold this little miracle. And when I left, I realized why this journey is so important. A small (in size) miracle and such a new life is why Matt and I keep fighting and going through this process.  

It's been a long and difficult year and 4 months for Matt and me (from when we started trying). I know that everything that we have been through is leading us to a point where we will one day be holding OUR newborn baby. The healing hasn't been easy and I know I will always have a special place in my heart for those two babies we lost. And I will continue to let myself grieve when my heart needs it.

The future is unknown and sometimes scary. But I try to live my life focusing on NOW. Thinking about the past makes me fearful of the future. But living my life in the moment can only make me happy.

A few months to just relax!

It finally happened! My hCG levels finally reached zero! It didn't take as long as I expected but it feels good knowing that now all we do is wait. No appointments, no medication, no calling every week to find out results. Simply NOT get pregnant and go once a month for a blood draw. Three months from now we should get the approval to start trying again. Until then, we just breathe and trust that God is working His plan through all of this.

Another exciting thing to note, I got a call from the specialist recently. He called after he spent some time looking over my chart and wanted to let me know what he saw. He said that my body responds well to the Clomid and he would like me to continue that route when we start trying again. He also said that he sees no reason why we won't get pregnant and why we would have another miscarriage. It was great to know that after the three months of waiting, our odds are pretty good that things will turn out a lot better than they have been.

It's a good feeling to have the last few months behind us. It's exciting to go into 2013 knowing that we are starting fresh. Knowing that we are healed, healthy, and that the odds are in our favor for a healthy pregnancy is a great feeling.

Sleepless night...

Last night was one of the worst nights sleep I've had in a long time. I laid awake stressing and praying about the outcome of my doctor appointment today. A year ago when we started on this journey to start a family we never dreamed we would be up against so much.

This past week has been stressful. We got word that my hCG levels were starting to rise (never a good thing unless I'm pregnant). Because there's no chance I'm pregnant, we were told there was a risk of having an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I had to wait to find out more until I saw my doctor until today. The last 24 hours were some of the hardest moments of my life. I dreaded and feared the worst. I kept imagining I'd get news that it WAS an ectopic pregnancy and that my Fallopian tube would have to be removed.

Thankfully, I got better news than I ever anticipated. It is NOT a tubal pregnancy. My doctor believes that there was leftover tissue from my last D&C that started to grow back which caused my hCG levels to slowly rise again. He doesn't think surgery is necessary because of how low my levels are. In order to stop the tissue from growing, I had to get two injections to stop the cell growth. I am beyond relieved that my tubes will stay in tact!

The only bad news I left with today is that we will have to wait longer to start trying for a baby again. We will continue to monitor my hCG levels until they reach zero. Once that happens, they will have to stay there for 3 months before we can start trying. I know waiting that time is the best thing for myself, Matt, and our future baby. But waiting is definitely a challenge.

I am grateful that people knew how to pray for me over the last few days. I was feeling discouraged and so frustrated. But I'm feeling better and more optimistic because of the prayers and support from so many.

We finally have SOME answers!

Last week, Matt and I met with the specialist. After a LONG time answering questions, we left with a lab slip for blood work to be done and very little clarity. We did get some good news while at that appointment. First, the doctor told us he didn't see any reason why we couldn't get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. He even mentioned that we might not need his help to do so. Great news, yes, but didn't explain WHY we had two miscarriages. Second, he told us that since I am not "infertile" (since we can get pregnant) it is likely that insurance will cover our visits with him. And lastly, we don't have to wait an extended period of time to start trying again. My current hCG levels are at 100 but once they drop below 2, we have been given the "ok" to start trying. Overall, it was a good appointment. We felt hopeful and excited, yet still nervous that we could have another miscarriage.

After almost a week of waiting for my blood work results, and after several phone calls on my end, I finally heard from the doctor. He said my lab results came back "somewhat normal." He said I have what is called the MTHFR homozygote which is believed to cause miscarriages. From what I understand from the research I have done, this causes blood clotting which prevents vital development early in pregnancy. So what do we do? This is the exciting part...I take a total of 6 prescribed vitamins everyday (4 different kinds). I am on Prenatal Vitamins, Folic Acid, B12, and B6. It is his hope that these vitamins will help with my deficiencies and lead us to a healthy pregnancy.

I never thought I would be so excited that there IS something wrong with me. It would have been great if nothing was found but, it would have left us nervous to start trying again. With this diagnosis, I feel like we can move forward with so much more confidence that our next pregnancy will be a healthy one. It's amazing the amount of weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. I haven't been this relieved and relaxed since September. I feel like I am sleeping better, remembering things better, and all around happier just because we know how to proceed with all of this.

I am still heartbroken over the loss of our two babies. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them and this difficult time that we have had to face. But I am so incredibly faithful that God is working His hand in all of this. He knows exactly what is in store for us. And of course, HIS plan is always so much better than what we imagined for ourselves!

Some reasons to feel hopeful...

Today I feel slightly more at peace and slightly more hopeful...

Last Wednesday I went to see my doctor. My hormone levels weren't dropping fast enough so I was asked to go see him. I prepared myself for what I knew he would say...I would need another D&C and he would want me to see a sub-specialist. I had several questions for him: How could I have gotten pregnant in less than 7 weeks from my last miscarriage? Weren't the odds against me? Couldn't this just be a random thing and not happen again? Do I REALLY need to see someone else??

All answers lead to a specalist. Because of the fact that I have now had two miscarriages, regardless how close together they were, there is too much risk that it could happen again. My doctor has no answers as to WHY I have had two miscarriages and believes a specialist will be able to easily figure it out. I left my appointment feeling more hopeful. The specialist will work with Matt and me until I am 12 weeks pregnant and then I will go back to my regular OBGYN. I am was relieved to hear this because he and I have grown a strong bond together and I wanted him to deliver our baby. I feel by seeing a specialist we have only positives to look forward to. I feel like we won't be risking another miscarriage with his help. Our first appointment is on November 29th. I am actually looking forward to it! Never thought I would say that! The only part that is scary for me is the fact that "infertility specialists" aren't covered by insurance. So we are praying that the tests and the treatment are simple and not TOO expensive. We do know we can GET pregnant so that is in our favor.

I had my second D&C last Thursday. I thank each of you who was praying for me through it. I was worried about the emotions it would bring up. As the nurses put me on the surgical table I said "deja vu" to them. Most of them recognized me from being there only 8 weeks prior. I was surprised at how much stronger I was this time. I think a BIG reason it was emotionally easier was because I hadn't carried the baby for 10 weeks like I had the other one. I wasn't as attached to the fact that we were pregnant. Probably because I found out I was pregnant and began miscarrying all in the same day.

I got a call from my nurse yesterday with my hormone levels. They are currently at 380 which the nurse says is still "significantly high." They want to see the levels below 5. I repeat the blood work next Monday. If they haven't dropped, there is a chance I will have to repeat the D&C. My doctor said that in the 25 years he has been doing this, he has never had to repeat it. So, hopefully by next week my levels have dropped to where they should be. The nurse said the big concern would be if my levels began to rise again.

I am still full of sadness and heartache at the loss of our two babies. But today I definitely feel more hopeful for our future. A couple of weeks ago I wasn't able to say that. I believe the power of prayer has lifted my spirits and I can't begin to thank everyone who has been praying. There were times when it was hard to pray. Hard to believe that God was going to work this out for us. But today, I do believe He is working on it. And I do believe we will have babies in our future!

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse...

The last several weeks have been extremely hard. I've been to the doctor countless times, put on medications, and emotionally on a roller coaster that I can't wait to get off.

The last round of medicine was supposed to get all my organs working in sync so that we could start trying for a baby again. Once I finished the medication, I was to wait for my period and then go see my doctor. Monday, I thought it had started. By Tuesday morning, it had stopped. I decided to take a pregnancy test because my doctor wanted me to always take one before starting ovulation medication. It came out positive. I thought it was impossible. I thought it was either a false positive, hormones still from my last miscarriage, or another miscarriage.

I went to the doctor yesterday morning for the next round of ovulation medication. I wasn't going to tell him about the positive pregnancy test but at the last minute I decided I should. The nurse left and went to do a test. I sat in the exam room and prayed for God to take control. I said over and over "I'm not worried..." Then my doctor came in with a big smile on his face pointing to a piece of paper that said "positive." I asked him how I could be pregnant if there was bleeding. He explained to me that most women have some sort of bleeding during their pregnancy and without cramping or heaving bleeding, there are more positives than negatives in our favor. He seemed optimistic and excited that this was going to work.

He sent me for blood work to check my hCG levels. I was told to go back within 48 hours to see where they are at. If they haven't doubled, there's chance of miscarriage. Except, I didn't even get to that point before miscarrying on my own. I will spare the details but, last night was one of the most traumatizing and heart breaking moments of my life. I never thought I'd have a miscarriage. And I never DREAMED I'd have two miscarriages in less than two months of each other.

I don't know where we go from here. I have a feeling my doctor will want me to see a specialist. I feel as though the odds were against this baby and me. I don't think my body had completely healed from the last miscarriage when I got pregnant. I don't think my body was strong enough yet to be pregnant. I believe I can get and STAY pregnant with the assistance of my doctor (and with a LOT of faith in God).

I still go tomorrow to see where my hCG levels are. The nurse said some women experience what I did last night and still have healthy pregnancies. But she said it isn't promising.

I'm full of sadness, anger, and fear. All feelings that I know are sinful because I'm not trusting God's plan. I don't know what I need from anyone except I do know I need prayers. Prayers of healing and prayers that lead us to answers.

2 weeks later...

Today I had my 2 week post-op appointment with my doctor. It was an appointment I was both dreading and looking forward to. I was dreading it because today should have been the start of my 2nd trimester and instead I was going to see him for a follow-up from my miscarriage. I was also looking forward to it because I was hoping to gain closure from the last two weeks. I wanted to hear something positive from the office and have a better memory than what I left with last time.

Today when I got to the doctor, right away he asked if we had talked about seeing a specialist. Right away, I started to freak out. I tried to remain calm because I wanted to hear him out and see what my options were. My doctor explained to me, that unlike before, my problem isn't GETTING pregnant, it is STAYING pregnant. He said I had two options: 1-continue what I've been doing or 2-see a specialist for further testing as to why I am not staying pregnant. He told me that if it was his wife, he felt it was too early to see a specialist. However, I am not 100% guaranteed that I will stay pregnant when I do get pregnant again (nothing in life is guaranteed, is it?) I opted to keep trying what we have been doing; the Provera and the Clomid. We will see how that goes for a few months and if I don't get pregnant, Matt and I will consider seeing a specialist. My doctor isn't worried about me getting pregnant. If I do miscarry again, which the odds are in my favor that I won't, then Matt and I would discuss a specialist at that point as well. 

So what does this all mean? We try, we wait, and we pray. 

Right now my prayer is for peace with my miscarriage. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand why I had a miscarriage but I do pray that someday I will be at peace with the fact that I did. I also pray that I get pregnant and that I don't miscarry again. I pray that I don't have to see a specialist. 

Since finding out about my miscarriage I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Today I cry less than I was crying last week. I know I am healing physically AND emotionally. However, I still wake up every morning thinking "I'm not pregnant." It's been really hard. Sometimes I feel like my smiles and laughter are forced. And other times, I break down in tears because I know it's part of my healing and grieving process. I keep in mind that a lot of people have it a lot worse. I am grateful that my doctor was who found out about my miscarriage and that I didn't miscarry on my own. 

I can't begin to explain the amount of love and support I have seen since posting my last blog. People have come to me with such open hearts and shared with me their own losses and struggles and have encouraged me in so many ways. It has been humbling and wonderful to know the amount of friends and family we have loving and supporting us during this time.

I've learned a lot in the last two weeks. I have learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. And I have learned that the people Matt and I are surrounded with are amazing people. When we do finally bring a baby into this world, it will without a doubt be loved by SO MANY people. 

I know I have a long road ahead of me to grieve the loss of our baby. I know there are going to be days that are easier than others. But I keep reminding myself that everyday I get through is one day closer to when we get to hold a baby in our arms.