2 weeks later...

Today I had my 2 week post-op appointment with my doctor. It was an appointment I was both dreading and looking forward to. I was dreading it because today should have been the start of my 2nd trimester and instead I was going to see him for a follow-up from my miscarriage. I was also looking forward to it because I was hoping to gain closure from the last two weeks. I wanted to hear something positive from the office and have a better memory than what I left with last time.

Today when I got to the doctor, right away he asked if we had talked about seeing a specialist. Right away, I started to freak out. I tried to remain calm because I wanted to hear him out and see what my options were. My doctor explained to me, that unlike before, my problem isn't GETTING pregnant, it is STAYING pregnant. He said I had two options: 1-continue what I've been doing or 2-see a specialist for further testing as to why I am not staying pregnant. He told me that if it was his wife, he felt it was too early to see a specialist. However, I am not 100% guaranteed that I will stay pregnant when I do get pregnant again (nothing in life is guaranteed, is it?) I opted to keep trying what we have been doing; the Provera and the Clomid. We will see how that goes for a few months and if I don't get pregnant, Matt and I will consider seeing a specialist. My doctor isn't worried about me getting pregnant. If I do miscarry again, which the odds are in my favor that I won't, then Matt and I would discuss a specialist at that point as well. 

So what does this all mean? We try, we wait, and we pray. 

Right now my prayer is for peace with my miscarriage. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never understand why I had a miscarriage but I do pray that someday I will be at peace with the fact that I did. I also pray that I get pregnant and that I don't miscarry again. I pray that I don't have to see a specialist. 

Since finding out about my miscarriage I have been overwhelmed with emotions. Today I cry less than I was crying last week. I know I am healing physically AND emotionally. However, I still wake up every morning thinking "I'm not pregnant." It's been really hard. Sometimes I feel like my smiles and laughter are forced. And other times, I break down in tears because I know it's part of my healing and grieving process. I keep in mind that a lot of people have it a lot worse. I am grateful that my doctor was who found out about my miscarriage and that I didn't miscarry on my own. 

I can't begin to explain the amount of love and support I have seen since posting my last blog. People have come to me with such open hearts and shared with me their own losses and struggles and have encouraged me in so many ways. It has been humbling and wonderful to know the amount of friends and family we have loving and supporting us during this time.

I've learned a lot in the last two weeks. I have learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. And I have learned that the people Matt and I are surrounded with are amazing people. When we do finally bring a baby into this world, it will without a doubt be loved by SO MANY people. 

I know I have a long road ahead of me to grieve the loss of our baby. I know there are going to be days that are easier than others. But I keep reminding myself that everyday I get through is one day closer to when we get to hold a baby in our arms.

Our life lately...

September 26th, 2012...

The blog below was written over a month ago and looking back it is amazing how so much has changed...

Last Wednesday, I went to the doctor for my 10 week pregnancy appointment. Matt and I were both extremely anxious and excited for this appointment. We knew we would get a more accurate due date, hear the baby's heartbeat and see the beginnings of our baby on the ultrasound. We also knew we could start sharing the news with our family and friends.

We got to the office and when brought to the exam room, the nurse congratulated us. She knew our fertility struggles (see below) and teased me how far we had come since then. When my doctor came in, he also congratulated us. He then had us move to the ultrasound room. We were SO excited for that moment. 

I laid on the table and anxiously waited for that screen to be turned my way so I could see the baby. After what seemed like hours of him looking and after using two different ultrasound methods, he finally turned the screen. He showed me the empty gestational sac and started to explain that there was nothing there. He started explaining that my placenta and everything was developing like it should but that he wasn't seeing anything. I kept waiting for him to say "but come back in a week and I am sure we will have an easier time." Then Matt stood up and took my hand and I knew I wouldn't hear what I wanted. My doctor explained that this is very common and that I could either miscarry on my own or have a surgery to remove it. After that everything became a big blur. I couldn't believe what I was hearing...there was no baby. I had a miscarriage...

Needless to say, that was a day full of tears. The next morning I was scheduled to have  a surgery (D&C) to remove the placenta and gestational sac. It was one of the hardest days I have ever faced. Not so much physically but emotionally for sure. The procedure wasn't a problem but when I woke up from it, I cried and cried to my mom. I kept telling her "they took my baby...I am supposed to be having a baby." I cried, my mom cried, my dad cried, even the nurses cried. It was a terrible time in my life and one I know that will impact me forever.

Today it is still extremely hard and I know tomorrow it will be as well. I should be pregnant. Matt and I should be preparing for April 17th for when that baby should be coming. But instead, we are on a road of recovery. I am recovering physically and we are both recovering emotionally. It is so hard to know how to cope, how to grieve and how to smile when everything inside hurts so badly. I keep reminding myself it has only been a week. That this is going to take time to process and move on from.

I try to remind myself in all the ways I am so blessed. I am blessed because this miscarriage happened early in my pregnancy. I am blessed that this probably won't happen again. I am blessed that we can start trying again soon. I am blessed for my family and friends. They have rallied around us and hugged us, cried with us, text us to check on us, brought and sent flowers and prayed for us. I am also extremely blessed that Matt is my strength through all of this. He never makes me feel like my crying is dramatic or uncalled for. He holds me and assures me that everything is all right. 

I write this blog as a therapy for myself. It helps me to get it all out like this. But it also helps because I can keep my friends and family in the loop with what is going on. I don't mind that people know what is going on because I know the more people who do, the more we have praying for us. Unfortunately, this is a huge part of Matt and my life. It will forever be a time in our lives that we had to figure out how to get through. 

I thank each and every one of you who has been praying for us and checking on us. It helps so much knowing that we have support and love coming from all over the nation. I ask that you continue to pray and support us down this long and difficult road. 

August 13, 2012

It's amazing how badly your body and heart can want something. And really hard to want something that I have little control over...

I have always known I want to be a mom. Ever since I was a kid I had a love of babies...anything and everything about them. I was constantly playing with dolls, other people's kids, even my dog was a baby to me.

Matt and I always knew we wanted a family but we were patiently waiting for the right time to start trying. I have been ready for a lot longer than he has (like I said, I always knew I wanted to be a mom). We had always talked about starting to try 1.5-2 years after we had been married. Last Fall (2011), we started talking more and more often about it. I kept saying the earlier the better because it can sometimes take a long time but Matt wanted to wait a little longer. The end of November we were both in agreement that it was time.

But little did we know that we were going to have to wait...more time...

Every month seemed to take forever waiting for that moment when we could test. Waiting for the 2nd pink line. Waiting was hard.

Trusting that God's plan is sometimes hard too. I constantly struggled with letting Satan take over my thoughts. I kept hearing Satan say "there's something wrong with you...you will never be able to have children." He knew exactly what to say. He knew my greatest fear in life. I just kept praying. I said the "Serenity Prayer" countless times. I knew God had a plan and that HIS plan was the best thing for us. Not just for Matt and me, but for the baby that we anxiously waited to bring into this world.

Sometimes trusting that plan left me hurting. I ached for the moment when we could announce that we were expecting. My heart hurt thinking that the time would never come. Every night I would go to bed praying that I would get pregnant soon and every morning I would wake up trying to regain perspective.

After 6 months of trying, I finally decided it was time to see my doctor. I was fearful of what he would tell me. We weren't getting pregnant on our own so I had this terrible feeling that something was wrong. Luckily, I have a doctor who I LOVE. He is so calm, reassuring, and all around wonderful. He told me news I never thought I would hear...that I would need help getting pregnant. Nothing major, but I still needed help. My body doesn't ovulate on it's own making it nearly impossible to get pregnant without medication. He told me I would have to take Clomid and that "soon all this will be a bad memory." (Like I said, I love him). He also told me that my chances of walking out of his office without a baby were slim. He said all the right things to reassure me that this isn't a big deal. Yet, I still struggled. I struggled everyday with the fact that we couldn't do it on our own and that I was the reason for it. I got angry at myself for not going to him sooner. "We could have been pregnant by now if only I had gone to the doctor"-I kept telling myself.

Throughout all of it, I constantly tried to remember this is GOD'S plan for me. Not MY plan for myself. I am thankful to have Matt by my side through it all. He helped keep me grounded and was a constant source of encouragement. He never once made me feel like I was inadequate (even though I always felt like I was).

Then the moment finally came. Eight and a half months after trying for a baby, we finally got the results we had been waiting for...a positive pregnant test! Sunday, August 12th is a day I will never forget. I woke up and knew that it was a day that could potentially change our lives forever. Matt was downstairs and the 3-minute process it takes to get the results seemed to last forever. Right when I saw the first pink line I knew the results. I went downstairs and without saying anything to Matt, I showed him the test. He looked shocked, excited. He simply said, "are you serious?" and immediately hugged me. I've known for close to 10 years that I love him, but after this moment with him, I loved him more than I ever thought I could. This is only something Matt and I created (along with God) and I couldn't imagine anyone else being by my side through it all.

My doctor was right when he said it would soon be a bad memory. I look back at all those months of heartache and tears and am so thankful that God's plan is forever and always greater than mine. He knew the perfect time for us to get pregnant. All along He knew what He wanted for this little baby that we will meet in 9 months.

I am excited for this journey. I am so thankful for the blessing that little baby will be. I know it will change my life forever but I also know it will also change the lives of a lot of people as well.