Happy 1st Birthday, Angel Baby!

April 17th...our first baby would be turning one.

I'm blessed to have carried that baby even if it was for a short time. My heart still hurts thinking about losing him/her. I think of that baby often and how drastically my life was impacted by someone that never breathed a breath on Earth. I am sometimes saddened by the loss. But I am also so thankful. Without that loss, I wouldn't be holding Olivia right now. And now, Olivia has a special Gurdian Angel watching over her.

Yesterday I overheard Matt and Olivia having a "conversation." I wish I could have captured it on video. Those are the moments I want to cherish forever. My two loves getting to know each other...so sweet.

Olivia is the light of my life. Her gummy smile makes my heart soar. Yesterday she rolled for the first time! She needed a little help getting her arm in the right position but she's close to figuring it out on her own. When she was first born, I wanted her to stay little forever. People told me every stage gets better and better. And boy were thery right. She's starting to show her personality and it's so fun watching her figure out this great big world.

Olivia learning to play-discovering colors, patterns, animals, and music

Laying in Mom and Dad's bed.

I think Maci really loves "her" baby.

Matt's favorite time of day. Coming home from work and snuggling with his little girl.

There's no better way to wake up in the morning. 

So even though today is sad because of the loss of our first baby, I am so full of joy because it brought me here...a life with Olivia.

Happy 1st Birthday to my special Angel!

Being a mom...life's greatest blessing

As I have said before, I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have always loved kids and I felt fairly confident that I would be pretty good at it. But I never knew how being a mom would make me feel complete. I also feel like motherly insticts play a big role. When I first thought about bringing Olivia home, I wondered how I would know what she needed but I am amazed that I just know. Of course there have been times when she is fussy and I can't get her to stop. But in general, it just takes me picking her up and holding her or filling her hungry tummy. It brings me so much happiness knowing that she relies on me and I CAN provide what she needs. (Matt too).

I am one of those women that LOVED being pregnant. I loved knowing life was growing inside me. I even loved giving birth. I have already told Matt that I can't wait to be pregnant again and that I would give birth everyday if I could (ok, maybe I'm just nuts-and no, we aren't having another anytime soon). I just feel like God created me to be a mom. I think that's why my two miscarriages were so tough. Looking back at the pain I felt from them, it makes more sense than it ever did. I knew I wanted this in my life but I didn't know how truly satisified I would feel until I met Olivia. And now, her little self holds an extra special place in my heart. When I am tired, not showered, and the house is a mess, I have been brought to tears looking at her. I cry because she is exactly what Matt and I fought so hard for. She is the reason we didn't give up on having a family.

Prior to having Olivia, I heard from many people that having a baby would change my world and that life would never be the same. And those people were right! However, it changed in good ways. I think when a lot of people say those things, they make it out to be bad or negative. Or maybe that's just my misunderstanding. Having a baby has brought more joy into my heart. Olivia has taught me so much in her short (almost) 6 weeks in my life. She has shown me how deep my love is. She has taught me that I don't need sleep like I thought I did and that sometimes waking up 7 times in the night is truly wonderful. She has made me slow down and let the house get messy. She's made me smile when she smiles and cry when she cries. She has also made my relationships with God, Matt, family, and friends stronger.

I try not to say "I can't wait for..." because I know someday I will miss this part. Instead, I try to say "I look forward to..." I look forward to Olivia sleeping through the night but I CAN wait for it to happen. I know time will move too quickly and I will miss the nighttime feedings between just her and me. And I will miss the times when all it takes to comfort her is the sound of my voice or the feeling of my skin.

Now it's time for me to go lay on the floor with her and see her smile as I tell her how much Matt and I love her.

17 hours of labor...totally worth it.

January 11, 2014

It's currently 7:15AM. And while it isn't that early, I know I should be sleeping because we fell asleep around 5:00. But here I am, wide awake. In awe of all that surrounds me. Running off love and adrenaline. Matt, Olivia, and I are still at the hospital and should be able to go home today.

I think back to just a few days ago. I was still working, running, errands, and walking my neighborhood trying to help Olivia get here faster. I wasn't incredibly uncomfortable or in dire need to have her. I just wanted to meet her. I wanted to start being her mom with her in my arms instead of my belly. That very night, things started to change.

I started noticing contractions around 8:00 Wednesday night. Nothing major. In fact, I wasn't even sure they were contractions. I went to bed and kept having them while I slept but still noticed them. By midnight, I started timing them and by 1:00 AM, I had woken Matt to tell him that my contractions were five minutes apart. I called the nurse in Labor and Delivery to give her an update and see what I should do. She suggested a warm bath and to keep timing them and when they got a little closer and more intense, to come in. Matt and I got to the hospital around 4:30 AM with my contractions holding steady at about 5 minutes apart. The only problem, I was only dilated to 2cm.

They kept me at the hospital for about 4 hours while they decided if they wanted to admit me or not. Matt and I walked the halls, I sat on the birth ball, and I took a long bath. They finally decided to send me home with an injection in my butt and instructions to "try and sleep and come back when my labor got worse." I was bummed. Fortunately, the injection knocked me out and I was able to get a little bit of sleep at home before labor really started.

I think it was around 10:30 AM when things really made a change. My contractions were closer and much more intense. I didn't want to go back to the hospital in fear that they would just send me home again. But I also knew the time was coming. After a while of contracting at home, taking another bath, and vomiting from the pain, Matt told me to get back in the truck. The drive back to the hospital was like something you would see in the movies. My seat reclined, feet on the dash, holding onto the handle in back, contractions barely over 2 minutes apart while Matt drove like a maniac to get me to the hospital.

Throughout my pregnancy, I kept saying I wanted to try and have Olivia naturally and without an epidural. But my mind was changed as we drove to the hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it without one. When we checked into the hospital, I was in so much pain that Matt tells me the woman trying to check me in was yelling down the hall to get me a room right away. I was already dilated to 6cm!

We got into my Labor and Delivery room and that's when things for me moved in slow motion. I kept having contractions every 2.5-3 minutes and had to wait for the anesthesiologist to come out of a C-section so I could get my epidural. Finally, she came. Matt was forced to hold me still while I continued to contract so that I wouldn't move while she gave me the epidural. Once I had it, I was checked again...8cm.

Family came to see us, I continued to have contractions (now without pain), they broke my water, and we just waited for the nurse to say when my doctor wanted me to start pushing. Around 5:30 PM, I was told it was time.

I thought the epidural would mean I couldn't feel anything and that they would have to tell me to push. Luckily, I was able to tell when I had the urge and I was able to feel the pressure as Olivia made her way into this world.

Roughly 45 minutes after I started pushing, at 6:16 PM, I heard everyone's excitement start to peak. I opened my eyes and for the first time I was seeing my baby. The one we have waited to meet for so long. She was so beautiful. I never knew I could love so much until that moment. I thought my pregnancy was incredible. I thought I knew how much I loved her while she was in my tummy, but I really had no idea until I laid eyes on her for the first time.

The last 30+ hours have been amazing. I've seen moments of such beautiful, heartfelt, and wonderful love. Olivia has an amazing family and friends. I've fallen so in love with Matt. Seeing him as the father of my daughter is such a beautiful thing. And learning to be her mom is the greatest blessing.

36 weeks and 6 days...

Counting down the days...my due date is 21 days away. And yet that doesn't really mean much. Planning for a baby's arrival is really a strange thing for me. Just because they say "January 15th is your due date," that doesn't mean she is coming January 15th. She could come today or a week after her due date. That's a very strange concept to grasp for someone who likes having everything planned and in order. I often try and guess where I will be and what I will be doing when "it's time." Will my water break? Will I be at home with Matt? Will I be out running errands? Only God knows.

I have truly loved being pregnant. Each and every minute. Even the painful, uncomfortable, and hormonal minutes. But I think I am finally at the point of my pregnancy where a lot of women get. Ready to be done. Most of my reasoning is because I just cannot wait to see what Olivia looks like. I can't wait to hug her, kiss her, change a million stinky diapers, the list goes on and on.

I feel like this time of year there is so much anticipation around Christmas. And I can't wait to get beyond it just so I can meet my baby girl. I feel like I am missing the true meaning and spirit of Christmas this year because I am looking past it.

I have come to realize that being pregnant isn't easy. My pregnancy has been really smooth. And whenever people ask me how it is going or how I have been feeling, I can honestly say "great!" But there are times when you wonder if you will ever feel normal again. I wonder what it will be like to put shoes and socks on without my face turning bright red. I wonder what it will be like to wear pants that don't have elastic at the top. I wonder what it will be like to go up a flight of stairs without having to stop from being out of breath! And yet, I would do it all again (and plan to!)

Oh the joys of pregnancy. The miracle of it all. God sure crafted it well.

I am as ready as I can be. The nursery is together and organized. So well organized that my family laugh because I am sure it won't stay that way. I have Olivia's diaper bag packed and in my car. My suitcase is on the floor in our room so that when I go into labor, I can hopefully finish packing it. Every time I see that suitcase, I get more and more excited.

It's hard to believe that in 3 weeks (give or take), Matt and I will be parents. Our lives will never be the same. Do you know how many times I've heard that? And yet, it is so true. Last night we drove around looking at Christmas lights. I realized, moments like that will never just be moments with the two of us. I envisioned what next year will look like. Olivia almost one, tucked in her carseat, and Matt and I pointing out all the pretty lights.

I truly can't wait for my life to change forever because of Olivia. I can't believe Matt and I are so close to meeting our daughter. I look back a year ago and how my heart was so full of sadness after just losing two precious babies. And how now my heart is so full of love and gratitude.

Olivia, you can come whenever you want. And your mommy and daddy, family, and friends look forward to your arrival with so much anticipation!

Birth classes...not for the faint of heart

Per the suggestion of Matt's best friend and his wife, I enrolled Matt and I in birth classes. Five weeks of birth classes. I think it is safe to say that I am more prepared than Matt for what is going to happen in that delivery room. And since he has very little knowledge, I thought the classes would be good for him. And me.

Let me first start off by saying that Matt is no wimp. He doesn't get grossed out by blood, guts, and gory stuff. He can hunt and gut what he kills, can handle stinky smells, and doesn't often bat an eye when it comes to "icky" stuff. However, when it comes to the female body, he would rather not know certain things. Being raised without sisters, and his mom keeping things of that nature private, it's no wonder he is the way he is. I've tried to bring up things to him like breastfeeding and he would just rather not know. He is also a very calm person. He doesn't get upset quickly and remains cool when things are uncomfortable.

I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. I grew up watching brain surgery on TV while eating dinner, took stitches out of my dad on several occasions, and the more I can learn about medical "stuff," the better (unless it relates to feet and then I am completely grossed out). I will also admit that Matt is a good match for me because he doesn't get upset or stressed quickly. I do that for the both of us. Especially now that I am pregnant because my Type-A personality, along with hormones, have made me VERY anal and easily worked up.

We had our first birth class a couple weeks ago. I don't think either of us knew what to expect. And I certainly don't think either of us expected to jump in so fast! Right away the teacher started showing diagrams of the female body, how the baby is positioned before birth, how the baby affects the bladder, etc. She had a model pelvis and showed how the baby moves through the birth canal (awesome!) and she informed us on how to recognize the signs of labor. Terminology was used that had Matt squirming in his chair and had his face as white as a ghost.

It's a good thing Matt and I sat in the back of the room because he had me giggling like a little girl the whole time. He told me several times that he was going to kill his best friend for recommending this class. During a video we watched, where they showed an actual birth, I thought Matt was going to pass out. He squirmed and wiggled and mumbled things under his breath. I, however, got emotional and started crying while watching the birth. Funny how we reacted so differently to the same exact thing.

After we got home from the birth class, I asked Matt what he thought. And even though it's new and pretty gross for him, he still plans on cutting that umbilical cord, being part of every second, and told me he is really glad we are taking those classes together.

Amazing where a year will take you

Leading up to today has brought on a lot of emotions. A year has passed since Matt and I received the news of our first miscarriage. News that changed our lives forever. I remember that day like it was yesterday. The details are vivid.

We went to the doctor full of excitement, joy, anticipation. It took 8.5 long months to get pregnant and there we were, finally seeing our tiny peanut for the first time. Only that never happened...instead my doctor informed me that the baby stopped growing. Everything else was there except our precious baby.

I remember trying to leave the doctor and feeling like I wanted to yell out crying but needing to be quiet because of the other patients. I remember my legs feeling like jello and wondered how I'd make it to the parking lot. I remember the look on Matt's face. His strength while he hurt so badly.

The days after the appointment didn't get easier. I quickly had surgery and had to figure out how to grieve a major loss. The depression and anxiety for months after was so great. I wanted to run away but knew good things had to come from it. Unfortunately, things got worse before they got better. Seven weeks later I had another miscarriage at home, my hCG levels began rising when they should have been dropping, I faced risk of a tubal pregnancy, and we had to wait 3 months before trying again. The weight of everything Matt and I face was so heavy and so hard to deal with.

Looking back I know there are only a few reasons why I made it through such a trying time. The biggest reason is my faith. I knew I couldn't endure such heartache without turning it over to God. I also have an amazing husband who shared the heartache with me and helped me through it. Sometimes all he had to do was hug me and let me cry. I also have a family who rallied around me. I still remember the way some of them held me and it brings tears to my eyes. I remember how my sister, my mom, and Matt's dad all hugged me like they've never hugged me before. Without saying anything, I knew their hearts were breaking but they were strong when I couldn't be. I also got through it because of my friends. I've always known I have great friends but this experience really showed me who they are.

The reason I kept fighting through all the pain is I knew God wouldn't have given me the deep desire to be a mom without fulfilling that desire. When my due date in April came around, I thought I'd be pregnant. I thought a new baby on the way would ease the pain. Instead I had to mourn the loss of our baby and know that good things were coming my way.

And good things definitely came. We got the green light from my doctor and after just two months of trying, we got a positive pregnancy test. My pregnancy has been nothing but wonderful. Even my doctor told me, "for someone who struggled so hard to get here, you have sure made it look easy."

Now here we are, 23 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Matt and I are so excited and thankful for her. Pregnancy is an amazing miracle. There's a precious little baby growing inside me. She's been carefully made exactly how God wants her to be. And even though there were times when it seemed like we would never be at this point, God knew exactly His plan for Matt, me, and our daughter. 

I find myself welling up with tears sometimes. Different moments throughout my pregnancy are really impactful. Like when I first started working on her nursery, I sat on the floor with tears in my eyes. I envisioned all the late nights, poopy diapers, and hours spent rocking her. Or feeling her kick...it's been one of my favorite things about being pregnant. It's like she's reminding me "Mom, I'm here and I'm healthy." But I especially loved the first time Matt was able to feel her move. And it was just a few days ago. Driving in the car I told him she was really moving and he quickly put his hand on my belly. She didn't take long to show Daddy her moves and he felt her. He was amazed at the fact that it was HER moving and not just me making my stomach jump. 

So despite all the heartache and pain we went through, I wouldn't ask to trade any of it. I know it was all part of God's plan in bringing us our daughter. And I know because of what we went through, it will make Matt and I better parents. I've learned to be so thankful for our journey and all that was involved. Thankful because it brought Matt and I so much closer together, to God, and to our baby.


We look forward with great joy to what January will bring. We can't wait to meet her, hold her, hug her, and tell her to her sweet face just how much we love her!

2nd Trimester

Not a day goes by that I don't feel incredibly special to be this baby's mom. And I'm so thankful that Matt will be by side through it all. Even on the days when I am crying to Matt because I feel fat and none of my clothes fit, I still feel so blessed. Matt is so patient and reassuring. He is always telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and his latest compliment is, "you wear my baby well." 

This picture doesn't show my "belly" very well. This was taken last week (I am ALMOST 14 weeks now). But I just love this picture because of Maci. Every week when Matt takes my pictures, Maci has to be right in the middle of it all. I think she senses that something else is getting my full attention and doesn't like it very much .

12 weeks 4 days

Over the last couple weeks, I've seen a shift in my physical self. I can see changes taking place. To most people, I am sure I just look like I have a tummy. But it's a tummy I've never had before. A tummy that I KNOW is actually my "baby bump." And while I often say "I'm fat," and I am still exhausted, and most food doesn't sound good, I wouldn't trade any of it!

The picture below was shocking to me when I saw it. I knew my tummy was getting bigger but I feel like there is just such a HUGE (literally) difference between my 12 and 13 week pictures. Maybe I ate too much? Or my clothes are showing it more? Oh well...not much I can do about it, right?

13 weeks 3 days

July 5th was the first time we HEARD Baby's heartbeat. I'm so glad Matt was able to be there. The nurse was having a hard time at first finding the heartbeat. I laid there holding my breath, trying not to move  and totally scared. She finally said "did you hear it?" Both Matt and I didn't hear what she did. She kept looking. Then again, "did you hear it?" Still nothing. Finally, it came through so crystal clear and beautiful. I could have laid there and listened to that beating heart all afternoon. Even though we have seen the heartbeat on the ultrasounds, being able to hear it was a beautiful moment. 

Also a couple weeks ago, I had a doctor appointment that was a truly incredible. I went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic to have a Sequential Screen done. The series of tests looks for things like Down syndrome, Trisomy 18, open tube defects, along with other problems that might cause issues during my pregnancy and delivery. We won't know the results for about a month because they will compare the blood test from that appointment with a blood test that I repeat in a few weeks. It's easy to worry about all the potential problems but I choose to trust that God is continuing to work His great plan.

But the reason that appointment was so awesome is because I was able to SEE Baby again. Unfortunately Matt couldn't leave work but I was able to bring Val (his mom) with me to the appointment. The last part of it was a very long ultrasound. Anytime I get to see this miracle, I'm in awe. And this day was no different. The ultrasound tech was extremely nice and kept complimenting him/her. She said "it's so cute" a bunch of times, "it's a beautiful baby" and even said "it's very photogenic and cooperative." She also switched to using a 3D ultrasound and we got to see with much more detail what the baby looks like. And I must say, it's adorable (of course I'm a biased mother)! Every time I see the pictures, it makes my heart smile.