Over the last 3 years, I’ve been told countless times that I’m strong. This is a huge compliment. But what choice do I really have?
I remember being faced with my choice about three weeks after Matt passed. I laid in my parents’ bed, pregnant with a baby, and could hear Olivia downstairs playing. I didn’t want to live. But I also knew I couldn’t die. It wouldn’t be fair to my children to quit on them. It wouldn’t be fair to our families or our friends to force them to face more tragedy. My only choice was to live.
Throughout the last 40 months, I’ve gained a lot of knowledge. I think what I’ve learned the most boils down to two things: faith and perspective. Along with being told I’m strong, I’ve also been told that I often see the positive. I would say this is challenging, and sometimes it is, but I would also say that there is something positive in every situation.
My friend Jeff recently sparked something for me. Growing up in a Christian home, I’ve heard time and time again the Bible verse about a mustard seed. It’s Matthew 17:20 “...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed...nothing will be impossible for you.” Jeff wrote about this verse in a post as he finds himself facing a lot right now. As I read his post, I realized that while I do have faith, it has certainly been tested since losing Matt. Doesn’t the Bible teach us that God performs miracles? So why didn’t He? Why didn’t He heal Matt? Doesn’t the Bible also teach us that God is the ultimate healer? Why didn’t He heal Matt? Why did He let me become widowed at 29? Not only widowed but widowed with two babies?
Some questions I will never have the answers to. These questions anger me. They harden me. They turn me bitter. But that’s where faith comes in. I can question God. I can be really, really angry at Him. He can handle that. But I can also trust that this life isn’t impossible. I can trust, even just the tiniest amount, that God will care for Olivia, Rylan, and me. Not only will He care for me, but He will also bless me in ways I may not see if Matt were still alive. Does this mean I’m at peace with Matt’s passing? Absolutely not. It simply means I can experience all these feelings at once. It also means that because of this faith, I won’t become harsh or hard or bitter. My faith gives me the perspective to always find the positive.
One of my favorite tools that my therapist gave me is finding the gains within my loss. I’ve written about this before but I find it so beneficial for all of us. We’ve all experienced loss before. Death. Illness. Divorce. Being fired from a job. Getting in a car accident. Losing friendships. The list is endless. At the onset of our loss, it’s easy to become consumed with all the ways we are negatively impacted. And for a while, that is ok. It’s even necessary. But as time goes on, as the dust settles, we can choose a new perspective and ask ourselves “what have I gained from this loss?”
I ask myself this question all the time. I lost something huge when Matt passed. I didn’t just lose my husband. I lost my entire life as I had planned. I lost everything I ever knew. I can look back over the last 3 years and see how I have literally had to rebuild my life. And in many ways, I’m still working on it. But I can also see a lot of gains...meaning blessings.
I can't say I am knowledgeable when it comes to God. I don't have a lot of scripture memorized and I would likely be lousy in an argument if asked for facts to prove that God is real. But I think that is why faith is so amazing. We don't need to be skilled at reciting passages from the Bible. We just need the tiniest bit of faith in God...in a power greater than ourselves...and nothing will be impossible. We will find the strength we never knew we had when life gets unbearably difficult. And from that strength, we will slowly see all the ways we are blessed despite the losses we endure.
