As I begin to write, it is January 8th and not even 6:00 AM. I shouldn’t be up yet I have been awake since 2:15 this morning. My brain just won’t let me go back to sleep. I finally gave in, got some coffee, and am sitting in bed watching Ellen. Writing is such a release for me. It helps me get some of what’s on my mind, out into words, allowing a release of sorts. This often leads to some mental space allowing me to sleep better.
I can’t help but spend time thinking about Olivia. January 9th was her birthday. When the New Year rolls in, I find myself ready to get my house back in order and reorganized. My internal “nesting” kicks into high gear. I start cleaning, purging, organizing, and planning. I have lists galore of the things I want to get done for her birthday party.
If you don’t know this about me, I am a planner. I am a do-er. I am Type A personality and hate when I don’t accomplish things I am supposed to do or things I want to do. This trait was highly beneficial for me when Matt passed. On one hand, I isolated myself and shut myself off from the world. I struggled with going out in public and doing anything I used to do. But I also had my long lists of things that needed to be done and places that needed to be called.
I remember one of my first meetings with my financial adviser after losing Matt. Jeff sat with me in my mom and dad’s kitchen and had a list of people he wanted me to call before our next meeting. Calls like to Matt’s HR department, the garbage company, the credit union where Matt’s Jeep was financed, etc. Our next meeting wasn’t scheduled for weeks but by the next morning, I had checked everything off my list. Jeff laughed when I emailed him with the information I had gathered. At our next meeting, he handed me a binder to keep important documents in. He gave it to all his clients but he said I am the only one who had it color-coordinated, 3-hole punched, labeled, and brought it with to every appointment.
Planning Olivia’s birthday party is so fun for me. I enjoy searching Pinterest for ideas on the theme she chooses. This girl loves tigers so when she said “Mom, I want a tiger party,” I quickly started brainstorming ways to turn our house into a jungle. I enjoy the busyness that planning events provide. It is a welcomed distraction to keep my mind off the bigger issues that are constantly circling in my head.
Olivia’s and Rylan’s birthdays weigh heavy on my heart. Despite my best efforts to plan the perfect days for them, I can’t ignore the huge piece missing. I have said before, and I will say it again, Olivia and Rylan are my heart and my joy. I was born to be a mom and I love motherhood. I do. It is tiring, hard, draining, messy, and wonderful. What makes my motherhood even better is that Olivia and Rylan are Matt’s babies. He chose me to raise his kids. He saw in me the ability to be a good mom and entrusted me with a huge and very important task. Obviously, we didn’t know his life would end so suddenly. But I am thankful every day to Matt for making me a mom.
With this thankfulness, there’s also pain. I am a mom because of Matt. I think about the moments when I shared the news with Matt that we were pregnant. Four different times we were elated. Twice we were heartbroken when we miscarried. I think of when Matt first heard their heartbeats or saw Olivia on the ultrasound for the first time. I think about when he first felt her kick and how he was sure it was me just messing with him. I remember him recording me in the middle of the night when I was really pregnant because my snoring was keeping him awake. And then I think about my labor and delivery. Our moments together during that life-changing event were so beautiful. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since Olivia was born when I looked at Matt and said to him, “I want to do that again.” He thought I was absolutely nuts. But my heart was bursting with love for this little girl, for Matt as my husband, for Matt as a dad, and for the journey we had been on to become parents.
Matt was only with Olivia for 21 months of her life. I strongly believe that he will remain an important role in her life. I believe she will have a connection and relationship with Matt because of the diligent effort I make to ensure she knows him. But that connection and relationship also come from Matt. He adored being a dad. Every so often, Olivia will bring up a memory of Matt that surprises me and catches me off guard. If she’s eating something new or sweet, she will say “Mom, Daddy liked this. Mom, did Daddy like gumballs? Gumballs were Daddy’s faaaavvvorite.” Did he like gumballs? Maybe at some point but I wouldn’t add them to his list of favorites. I just love that she connects things she loves, to her Daddy. I love that she has genuine real memories of him. I love that she talks about him and remembers him.
Olivia and I were recently driving home one night. She said to me “Mom, I want a Daddy. I have a Daddy. Daddy is in Heaven. Everyone else has a Daddy. I want a Daddy.” Despite my best efforts, I still wonder if I failed her. I wonder if my response was enough. I wonder if telling her that Daddy is always with her and that he can hear her and she can talk to her is sufficient. Of course it’s not. This little girl should have a Daddy here. Not in Heaven. Not visiting him at a cemetery. He should be here to celebrate her and her birthday and all the changes life brought her this last year.
Olivia’s birthday and the day of her party were just as they should be for a four-year-old. We ate donuts and “Old MacDonalds” and opened presents. We had dance parties and Olivia told everyone that would listen that she is now FOUR! We went to visit Matt on her birthday. We toasted her dad and acknowledged him in our celebrations. I decorated our house all week leading up to her party and did my best to make sure Olivia felt incredibly special.
Like any other event I have in our home, there is always a letdown when everyone leaves for the night. The house quickly becomes quiet and dark and reality sets in that Matt wasn’t part of another very important day. It happens every time. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, family gatherings, and birthdays. Everyone leaves and suddenly I am left feeling nauseous and consumed with the heaviness of my grief. The part that still surprises me, and probably always will, is how heavy the grief still feels. I feel like I prep myself for these big days. I do everything I can. I talk to Matt, I attend therapy, I reach out to those I'm closest with, but inevitably, there is still a huge letdown. There is still a major feeling of loss and sadness.
I have celebrated more of Olivia's without Matt than I have with him. I never thought about that until right now. Matt was only alive to celebrate ONE birthday with our sweet girl. ONE. A shift I have seen though is my ability to hold things together. I am able to get through most situations without being caught off guard by my grief. I have come to expect that the night will bring my pain. These milestones and parties are also a beautiful reminder of those in our corner. It shows me how blessed we are by the ones who walk through life with me. My children are loved by so many. I am thankful for outreach from those who thought of her and wished her a happy birthday. Each acknowledgment of her day makes me thankful with Matt that we have such loving and supportive people in our lives.
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| Olivia's birthday interview |
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| Party favors for Olivia's friends |
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| Decorated all week long |
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| Tiger paw cupcakes |
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| Decorated and ready for her party |
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| Included her favorite snacks |
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| Olivia's "boyfriend" |
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| Joey, Christie, & Stella. Thankful for this friendship. |
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| Joey, Christie, & Stella. Thankful for this friendship. |
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| Auntie Well and Uncle Andy |
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| GG & Papa Cot |
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| GG & Papa Cot |
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| Grandma Val & Papa Larry |
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| Olivia & Sienna |
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| This sums up the three of us so well. Olivia thinking she's being sweet when really bugging Rylan, Rylan wanting to move, and me just wanting to capture the sweet moments. |
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| Uncle Josh, Kash, & Auntie Katie |
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| Uncle Josh, Kash, & Auntie Katie |
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| Tuckered out after a full, fun, and busy day |
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| We realized after she had fallen asleep that Grandma and Papa Mark didn't get their picture with her so we improvised. |
