First of all, I am not sure how to say it...today should have been my due date...today is my due date...today was my due date...I think it changes every time I talk about it. No matter how I say it, today was the due date for the first baby I miscarried.
It's hard to believe that almost 8 months have passed since I was given the hardest news of my life...that I had miscarried. And it's also hard to believe that 7 weeks later it happened again. Both miscarriages brought a tremendous amount of pain and heartache, but today's was the only one I carried long enough to get a due date for. I fell so deeply in love with that baby for the 10 weeks I carried it. And it blows my mind how much impact s/he had on so many lives, especially mine, when it never breathed a breath on Earth. I thought Matt and I would be in a different place by now. I thought I would be pregnant by the time my due date rolled around. But that proves to me, again, that is isn't MY time...it's God's time.
I don't know how to feel today. My heart is full of sadness that we aren't about to welcome our baby into the world. But I am also full of hope and joy. I am proud of myself for getting through such a difficult time. No one ever imagines they will miscarry. And I never dreamed I would be strong enough to endure it. But I am. And I can't take the credit for it. I got through all of this because of faith. I prayed because I didn't have answers. I prayed when all I could do was cry. And I prayed that God would get me through this. And He has done exactly that. God also put an incredible man by my side to walk through this journey with me. He also gave me friends and family that held me up, prayed for me, and cried with me.
About a month ago we were given the "green light" to start trying to get pregnant again. We didn't have success the first month but I am optimistic that our time is coming soon. It's exciting to know that my doctor feels my body is ready to start trying again. But it is also very scary going into this again after everything we have been through.
I recently held a 1-week-old baby. I thought I would melt into a puddle of tears after holding him. His due date was just a few weeks before mine so I thought it would be really hard meeting him. But, I felt like he helped in my healing process. I felt so blessed to hold this little miracle. And when I left, I realized why this journey is so important. A small (in size) miracle and such a new life is why Matt and I keep fighting and going through this process.
It's been a long and difficult year and 4 months for Matt and me (from when we started trying). I know that everything that we have been through is leading us to a point where we will one day be holding OUR newborn baby. The healing hasn't been easy and I know I will always have a special place in my heart for those two babies we lost. And I will continue to let myself grieve when my heart needs it.
The future is unknown and sometimes scary. But I try to live my life focusing on NOW. Thinking about the past makes me fearful of the future. But living my life in the moment can only make me happy.
